Finding The Goddess In Me

That white $#@& is falling. AGAIN!

I give up.

So, apparently, I was wrong! I have not let go of ONE thing that was bothering me.
Last night I had a dream SO VIVID that I can't seem to shake off the whole day today. I will not describe it, as it is too personal...but I seem to be breaking down whenever I think about it. Darn it! How can something that happened 7 years ago bug me so much, to the point of immobility!..so bad...I don't even think about this consciously, I really don't!
Can my EGO really be that big to keep onto something like this??? I wish I could just let go...This is nothing but pure pain! *sigh*
Excuse me for not being clear about this - I am just dumping it here in hopes it will pass!

On a better note - saw my PT again! I feel tired now sitting here at my desk at work - but GOOD tired! He tells me I constantly surprise him of how good I am doing...meaning - he shows me the exercise once, and I do it without mistakes (dying! but no mistakes people!) :) Proper posture and everything..So I guess that is something I should be proud of?? ...He repeatedly challenges me to do more, and I have to say I am good at taking those challenges! One of these days, I will kick HIS butt! LOL It's funny, when we get to stretching, he can't do anything to challeng me, as I am quite "bendy and stretchy" let's say, so he's quite boggled with that one! tee hee I guess that Ballet long ago, and Yoga recently, has done SOMETHING right! LOL
All in all, good stuff!

Work is treating me good - but it's getting *CRAZY* with meetings a bit! I am wondering when do I actually have time to do some WORK?! So...that has led me to conclude that you really have to be careful of what you wish for! :> I have wanted variety in my work day for so long, but now it's getting RIDICULOUS!!!!

I also have to say I've gotten some good comments about my work up to now, so I hope I can continue with that pace and get even better!

Ok...so writing all this has made me feel a LITTLE better than at the start of this message....but still, I obviously have a lot to work on. And, as I've concluded in my tag-line on MSN Messenger - dreaming really SUCKS for me lately!...Yes, I am releasing stress, but some things I wish I didn't know...SERIOUSLY!

p.s. Can't wait for "Grey's Anatomy" to come back! :>

Uummmm, how many times can you have sore muscles in a week???
I thought I already went through this the first time I had a session with my PT, when I couldn't walk for like 3 days! Yesterday I had another session with him, and now I am in pain all over again!!! WOW! He is kicking my butt! (I can say "butt" on here....can I??? lol)
Well...you should all be proud of me! I definitely am! I am sticking to this one, getting myself to the gym for most of my lunches...and then seeing PT 2 times a week...not bad at all!
I definitely feel different about everything this time...so, we'll see if it sticks!

Since starting meditation on a regular basis, I have had even more weird dreams than usual...Not weird in a sense that I am dreaming about aliens or something...just weird about the situations and people I am dreaming about..I was told during a meditation course that when dreaming we're just releasing all the stress we accumulated, and sometimes what you dream about can pinpoint what you have been unknowingly stressing about! I can honestly say I feel a lot better about some things in my past, as I've let go of so many "why's"? in my dreams....I feel like I can finally go on.
As one of my favourite quote said once "I have given up hope of having a better past"...so have I let go of some things that were bothering me...
Just one thing, though - no, it doesn't mean that you forget things. As my meditation teacher has wisely said - situations don't change, it is YOU who changes and your relationship to that situation...You let go! It is out of your hands...Yet once more, you become a compassionate observer...and THAT my friends, is what it is all about! :)

So, I am in the washroom today at work and I am washing my hands...I look in the mirror in front of me and give myself a full body scan. Disgustingly I throw a look at myself and whisper "fat pig" under my breath, and I turn and walk away.
...
..
.
WTF??? Would I ever treat my friends like this?? ANYBODY I care about??? Would I even think "fat pig" if I saw an overweight person passing by??? NO! So, why do I treat myself like that???
After I got out of the bathroom, it hit me like a ton of bricks - I really do not LIKE myself - not to mention LOVE! No wonder I am in shape that I am, and in STATE that I am....
So, I gave myself a good talking to, and promised myself I won't do it anymore! This is the first time I am dealing with this. I have done it for so long - it was even UNDERSTANDABLE for me to hate how I look...to hate all the little things that are not just *perfect*...What the heck was I thinking?
I think that people in general have this problem, because if we all loved ourselves - we would all be the healthiest we can be! We would all eat right, walk right, behave right...We would be like pampered babies! None of us would have any doubts; our self-esteem would soar and nobody would be able to bring us down...We would be our own best friends, and life would just be great!
So, do you know a person like that???? I can honestly say I've NEVER in my life met a person that truly loved themselves...
Yes, you can meet people who are self-confident when they talk to you...who you think nothing can touch...but then those people go home and fuss about something they hate about themselves...
How in the world do we approach this??

Ok...I am on it!

Note to myself: Learn how to love yourself, Mirela! Truly, madly, deeply!

Yes..I know I am quite late with "New Year's Resolutions"...but so much has happened since the last time I've written anything, that I simply do not know where to begin!
First of all, now I am free to write what REALLY was the problem of my deep melancholy and frantic search for "that something" that could explain my life. It was my darn old job! While it was a great company and good people that I worked with, I just didn't like the JOB! Mechanical Design? Are you kidding me? 8 hours in front of the computer staring at the same screen the whole day - I was just wasting away (and I do not mean physically - I wish!)...
That said, I didn't know if I had it in me to find the new job and start anew.
I started looking at job search websites and have sent a few resumes out expecting nothing really, but then I got THE call! Actually - I got THE e-mail LOL....It was for the position of a Project Lead at RIM, and they were interested in having me for the interview...To make the long story short - I GOT THE JOB!...And I am basically on cloud 9, ever since... :)
This new turn of getting to do something I actually like every day, has given me newfound strength to really attack my weight and do it right this time.
While I still follow everything I've learned in nutrition, I have turned now to what I think I lacked, and that is excersise! That was one part of it all that I have struggled to begin again, after so many years....Starting to work at RIM has really pushed me to do that, because they pay a considerable amount of my gym memebership, but then I went even a step further and got myself a Personal Trainer! ;) (whome I'll call PT from now on...) Now that is a TREAT! Expensive treat!..but a treat non-the-less :)...
I have only had one session with him by now, but after it, I couldn't walk for 3 days straight! HA! Muscles hurt that I didn't even know I had! So, I guess that was a good sign! :>

So...I am working on this:

• Eating as per WW points plan and nutritional guide I had from before
• Working out with the PT 2 times per week
• Working out by myself in the gym 3 times per week
• Being kind to myself
• Meditating and finding inner peace for it all

Not bad...

I have NEVER been fatter, and not pregnant..so I can't say enough how sick I am of all of this - of draging around this extra weight that has now put me in the OBESE range (according to my BMI)...I do not recognize myself anymore...I have become this "fat girl" in the group...people around me do not know me as I was before...they do not know that I've been slim once, so I have established this perception in my environment which is just not right, and I feel cheated of everytihng that I deserve! That I can BE!

But I am getting there...Just watch me!

Well, it's almost Christmas!
Days are really flying by, as I try to figure out my future! More and more I feel that this is really it - the "turn of the century" for me...that big things are going to happen...and some possibly worse to be able to get better!..but it's going..it's moving...and I think I am just holding my breath!

I have been studying like crazy! Finished my two courses for project management - enrolled into a thrid one starting January..Also, now that my nutrition books are here - I have written a paper on "Shiatsu Therapy", finished a test on "How to give nutrition advice legally"...and am dug deep into Biology, as well as Holistic Approach to Nutrition! HA!..See, I am not just sitting on my behind doing nothing ;)...

Don't ask me about my weight! While I want to get there and get skinny and beautiful, and healthy...I am really not in a position to concentrate on it right now. Who has time for weight loss when your life is changing?? Jokes on the side though, I just don't have the strength to do it now...To give it the attention it deserves...I think I am mostly just not ready to love myself yet!..That is all it really comes down to. It is *that* simple! And I will not love myself until I bring my life to order by figuring out who I really am and what I want to do with my life. It is scary that it all boils down to my profession (pretty much), but isn't it what I spend my time doing the most in my life?? An average person spends about 8.5 hours at work every day!...Out of 16 wake hourse, we spend more than half of it working!...and don't forget the drive to and from work, which takes at least an hour of my day also...So, basically about 60% of my life is just work!..and 40% has to spread on family, friends, hobbies, WHATEVER! No wonder...

One other thing...
Isn't it amazing how when you open one door, other doors appear?... Nooks and nieches you've never seen before, suddenly appear, as if out of nowhere! Again, I really believe it is the Law of Attraction at work...Once you start to show an intrest in something, the life just presents more of the same, and you're drawn into it more and more...
Be it some new area of study, your new hobby, the book you've read and loved, so you just suddenly start finding more and more of the same theme everywhere...I believe that that is exactly what's been happening to me. I have shown an intrest in nutrition, and not just "nutrition" - but a HOLISTIC approach to it...a whole other realm on some higher frequency, which ecnompasses our bodies into one whole being...Where the body is treated overall, and not just a particular organ or "disease"...All the while, while I am studying the analytical side of it, I feel the presence of this higher energy, which lays undiscovered, but by a few...and it's scary, yet fascinating, and I think I belong!

...

Well, the books for module 1 of my nutrition studies have arrived! I can hardly wait every night, after my kids have gone to bed, to start studying and working on my tests! I hope this enthusiasm lasts! LOL For now, it's going great!
Yesterday was such a happy day too! I took a vacation day off work, and went into my nutritionist's office and worked with her for the entire day! Just calling the clients to reschedule appointments, taking inventory of different homeopathic remedies, and pricing them, has made my day. Throughout the whole day though, I have talked to R. (which is how I will refer to my nutritionist from now on) about nutrition, and business! I took in so much, and have felt a great energy around myself the whole day! It's amazing how such things as changing what you do in a day can make or break your whole feeling of happiness! It then hit me how doing something you dread every day can make you SO SICK! I guess my only solution for now would be to try and convince myself that I have to do my job in order for me to be able to enjoy "nutrition". That's what it really falls down to - at least for now.
I have also talked to R. about food and how I had not been able to concentrate on losing weight, and she has completely understood my problem.
I have told her, it's not about the food anymore at all! It's all mental and connected to our emotions. I have understood the reasons of why I eat what I eat and how much - it's because I feel so "unwell" all the time! Be it anxiety, or just plain "not great" feeling, I have tried to bring myself up to par by eating, thinking it will give me "energy"..."fuel to continue with my duties"...."fuel to be a mom....a wife...a good employee..." Yet, I have been failing miserably, totally aware of the fact that the more I disregard my diet, I will continue to feel unwell, and will probably then continue to gain weight too...
The "compassionate observer" in me has also reminded me that I am on medication! I mean, it's amazing that I am even holding steady at a certain weight, considering that I am taking medication which completely slows down my metabolism and works against everything in my body to lose weight.
The simple fact is - I need to somehow maintain my focus, and I NEED EXERCISE! Now we just have to find the time for me to actually *do* it!

On a completely different topic - I am enjoying this Christmas season. Although I have not yet put up my tree, nor bought any presents - I am excited to start! This coming weekend will all be dedicated to starting off a Christmas season in my home! :) Can't wait!