Finding The Goddess In Me

The River

His hurried steps started to slow down. The sound of flowing water got stronger with each step he took, so he knew he was getting near. It surprised him that the trail to the river was so familiar, even though it has been some time since he was here last. He felt he could close his eyes and still know every little turn of the winding path that led to his favorite place in the world. He closed his eyes briefly, already seeing it in his head - glistening surface of an ever-changing surge, and suddenly his breath came out in one big gasp.
His sky-blue eyes opened in astonishment as he just realized that he wasn’t really breathing since he left her sitting in the lobby of her hotel. No, it was not the time yet to think about it all. He stopped in his tracks, filling the lungs with much needed air. The cool morning breeze made him shiver, even though it was early September and the light peaking through the dense leaves of the forest around him promised yet another sunny day of summer passing. Only a few small clouds hung in the sky. Knowing he could stand under a warm open sky if he would just reach the river bank, his hesitant legs started to move again and his original hurried pace returned.
The trees seemed to be further and further apart with each step he took, as if a curtain was opening on a stage in front of him to a most desired play. At last, his blue eyes exploded with light, as trees were no more, and a wide clearing of green grass led to running water. He closed his eyes once more, and let the light wash over him, warming even some far forgotten corners of his broken heart.
It was definitely easy to breathe then. The flowing river demanded it. He almost wished for the view and serenity of a stagnant lake – then it would be easy to keep everything that wanted to come out now locked up, but being in the presence of the unceasing current, the flood gates were about to fly open. The wall he had built in his heart, behind which he had hid his love for her, showed cracks and he knew he could no longer hold it.
Realizing he could not bear to hold his weight any more, he walked over to a pile of laid out tree trunks in the clearing, by the water’s edge. His hands touched the tree below him. Its crust was rough, but warm from lying in the sun. The sudden warmth shivered his body from pleasure and provided comfort. Memories were inevitable.
Eight years ago, he had given her his whole heart. She had returned his love, and he kept her wrapped in a cocoon of his worship, even though she had to leave their city and live far away. Distance had not bothered him, and he told her so, many times. She had lit his whole world with thousands of stars, and the fact that they had to be away from each other for some time was nothing compared to a lifetime. He had always known he would find her, his one true love, and the miles between them would not stop him dreaming of their future. Only, he had not predicted that she would never be so strong. She had decided to give her new life a try, “so she could be happy”, she said.
His devotion had turned against him. Thousands of stars had ceased to shine, and he was left in complete darkness, to fend for himself. It had taken years for him to even think of loving anybody again, knowing that it would never be the same. Epiphany has struck him some time ago, when he comforted himself with sudden realization that the fact that he had had one true love in his life did not mean that he should never let anybody in his heart again. After all, didn’t having one true love serve to teach you about life? He’d been taught for sure, he thought. However, in order to ready his heart to accept anybody ever again, he had built a wall. Behind that wall he has hidden all adoration and love he held for her, his old self, because if that part ever continued to live, he would not survive.
The river knew all this. He had been here almost every day since that time, working hard on building the wall. The river challenged him. Just as it has easily crumbled his gates now, then he worked against it to close them, making him stronger with each day he successfully put on the next layer of the wall.
How it easily flowed now. No barrier would ever stop the persistent rush of that beautiful stream. He inhaled deeply, and he could taste the water’s victory. A smile broke on his full lips, congratulating it. The river’s wavy and always moving surface glistened, mocking him with almost giddy expectation to tell it what has happened that he was here again.
He let the sound of the rolling waves probe him and feel for the truth. He knew there was no point to holding secrets from the river.
“She is back,” he told it, “and she wants me back.”
He listened for the response. The water was humming in his ears.
“I told her she was too late, and she cried,” he continued. “I even told her about the wall, and that I will never let her behind again….”
He didn’t know if he imagined it, but the hum of the water was stronger now, louder, confused. The breeze picked up into a wind.
“Yes, I know I let you break the wall now,” he lowered his eyes to the ground in front of him, defeated. “But she didn’t see it, and that is what’s most important. That part is over. She will never come back again.”
The light suddenly dimmed, and he looked to the sky for an answer. The only gray cloud has hid his source of warmth, and he shivered again. The river’s usually persistent blue surface has become gray reflecting the cloud above. His hands instinctively touched the tree’s crust below him again – it was still warm, and he clung to it to keep himself afloat.
“You are very perceptive,” he mused to the river, acknowledging its power to match his moods.
The grey cloud in the sky was persistent, as it clung to its captor, the sun. The wind picked up again, and he dug his hands deeper into the warm crust of the tree on which he was sitting. His grip broke the piece of the crust and he brought it in front of his eyes. He observed the dark brown piece in his hands and gasped at recognition of its colour. The rough piece bore the exact colour of her eyes, and they were piercing.
“The whole nature is mocking me,” he thought, and threw the piece into the flowing water.
Catching the dark brown piece of the crust, the river’s small and still grey waves played with it. He watched her dark brown eyes float away, wet, just as he left them a couple of hours ago.
His heart burned as pieces of the wall lay broken, and his love emerged triumphant. He loved her, he knew that, but he was not strong enough to trust her again. He thanked the skies above that he was strong enough to hold the wall up enough, so as not to give her a chance to see him as he once was. He let his face fall into his hands then, and the smell from them brought the warm comfort of the warm tree below again.
He exhaled and got up to the water’s edge. He stood there for a while, absorbing the river’s exuberant energy. The cloud must have moved again, because the water’s surface glistened again, matching his blue eyes. He nodded towards the river in agreement, and turned to leave. The water hummed in his ears and the yellow warmth encouraged. They will try to do it again, the river and him. They will try and build the wall again.

Daily matters seem to escape my interest these days...

The Devil recruiting a new servant
His dark figure has been standing over me, expecting me to be afraid. As if fear could reach me now. I almost wanted to laugh at his confident posture. What he was proposing was more like sanctuary compared to this constant state of anguish I was in for so long.
“I don’t suppose you could imagine breaking into thousand upon thousand little pieces, day in and day out?” I proposed, however, it was more of a statement. “You, ‘my friend’ are not offering anything that may hurt me more.” I simply stated.
“You seem awfully sure for a human.” He said the last word, as if in disgust.
“But you need me, no?” At this point I could afford to be smug.
“That, I do,” he hissed.
It was almost uncomfortable. Shouldn’t the roles be reversed? Shouldn’t this ‘creature’ be the one who was convincing me to sell him my soul? However, I don’t suppose there are any experts on the matter.
Whatever this creature may be, he has chosen a form of a man, or rather a “male”. Maybe it would be wise to tell him what someone like myself could do for him, for after all – “hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned.” I almost laughed out loud at my sudden memory of Congreve’s clever insight into a woman’s nature. How it perfectly fit this odd arrangement.
As if he has read my mind, he grinned darkly “You, my dear, are perfect for the role.”
Intrigued as I may be, I could not afford the time it would take to explain the details of how he got such deep insight into his choice, or the details of the role he proposed. I wanted to escape my living hell and trade it for a real thing, at least, since I was already ‘there’. Why fake it?
I just wanted to know one thing and one thing only, “And you promise that in return I will feel NOTHING. Nothing at all?”
Sensing my resolve and an easy catch at this point, he has come inches close to me, so I could appreciate the full glory of his empty face, “You undermine my promises, human. I do not play games, nor are such childish nuances needed in my world.”
“I like your world” I whispered, letting the pain spill freely now through my words, and probably my whole being.
His stance has started to falter. I was amazed. Could my underworld kingpin be any MORE human? Although his intentional movements were a blur of grace and nobleness, indicating that he could not be a product of the real world as I knew it, glimpses into his unintentional gestures were utterly mindboggling.
“Before we seal our deal, I cannot help but be intrigued as to why you are giving me yourself so freely.” He moved slightly away, as to appreciate the full picture of myself. “I expected at least some form of challenge in my conquest,” disappointment radiated from his last words.
“I have lived enough to know there is nothing more to expect from the world to offer me,” I offered. Pretense was not needed in this situation, I thought. “In fact, what I have been left with for quite some time is just pain….pain of ignorance of the person I trusted the most.” I finished, trying to decide what effect my words had on this creature. His figure has just been standing there in front of me, as if he were a statue, unmoving.
“I don’t suppose that you know what love is or what it may feel like?” I grinned getting a little irritated, waiting for a response.
“Are you serious?” the statue responded uninterested. “Only such weak souls as yourselves could give into such a foolish emotion.” He paused briefly, “I find it quite amusing that you are all searching for what eventually always ends in some form of disappointment. As if any creature born to a man, can fulfill what you all expect out of love,” he concluded.
“Aren’t you observant,” I was annoyed already, but his answer did not disappoint. Only then have I realized that I had asked that question to test what his world is like, because if he knew what love was - I would not enter such world as freely as I had originally planned.
He motioned with his hand to continue what I wanted to say, before I had asked such a stupid question.
“Unfortunately, I have to disappoint you in a sense, because I had not expected much of love in this case. I only expected some form of…ANY form of emotion in return. However, I have gotten something much worse. Ignorance. Not hate! Hate would be a welcome, almost desired solution to my pain. My love has decided to just not care of my existence, and I am afraid that if the time runs its course, it may turn to nothing but a pity for myself.” I cringed. “Having him pity me, is much worse than this impending death of my soul, you propose.”
He was silent, and the silence was deafening to my ears. “And didn’t you so confidently assure me that I am perfect for this role? You must have known something of the situation or myself to give you an idea of how hard, or easy your conquest would be?”
His laugh sounded more like shattering of a rock. “You will be an interesting companion to myself. I am rather glad of my choice.”
“That does not answer my question.” I forced.
“You, my dear, have nothing to lose. That’s what makes you a perfect candidate. I just didn’t know how that came to be.” He was still laughing. “I suppose I can let the details be trivial in the matter.”
Moving towards complete darkness now, he turned, “Shall we?”
I was standing already.
“Yes, Master.” I let the darkness fold.

First of all, I apologize for not writing sooner, but in my defense, I've really had nothing to write. Actually, the truth is, I didn't feel like writing - at least not in the same drone out way that I've been writing last year. This blog, although reflective of what was going on in my head at times, has truly bugged me, for the simple fact that it now stands as a witness in front of the whole world to say that in the last year alone, I have done NOTHING to get to where I wanted to be...what the whole purpose of this blog was. I have not lost a pound..have not "found" myself in a way to set me onto bigger (or smaller actually) and better things!
...But should I really be bothered by it? At least it's a collection of my whole year...the evidence that at least I was trying and never gave up, really...
Consequently, I have no 'resolutions' for this year, as just thinking about the term sends me into a fear of failure, where I would probably end up, if I set myself up for one like that. No, I am giving myself NO expectations this year, except that I definitely am looking to myself to stick with some kind of determination to get happier and healthier.
I am happy to say that as of January 5th, I have had incredible strength and resolution (ironic, isnt' it?), to not look at food as something I run to whenever I need....either hunger, or any emotional need that may strike me. I have decided to treat food as necessary evil which all humans need to nourish their body, for that purpose alone and no other. This frame of mind has worked miracles, so far...I have managed to lose 5 lbs since the Holidays, and I already feel GREAT! I hope that things will not change, so that I can keep this new-found determination to succeed once and for all in losing this dreaded weight, that is keeping me a prisoner.
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I am also starting a new college course today - the last in the series before I can claim my "Project Management Certificate" - so I am very happy about that!
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So..onto new ways we go...