Finding The Goddess In Me

This truly sucks!
I got sick. AGAIN! For fluck's sakes!!!
Stomach bug again..6 lbs gone in a day...4 lbs came back this morning...Oh well - at least I am feeling better!
Oh..and I am COUGHING again! I have no idea what's up with this season??? Is it because the winter was/is so long, or what???? I am officially sick of winter and am DEMANDING for spring to come. SOON! Thank you very much.

Other than all that...Everything else pretty much continues to be the same...I am getting my exercise in with PT 2 times a week..but I am starting to think that's not enough. Not enough exercise, and certainly not enough work to lose any weight, by itself! Yes, I feel stronger and stuff..but really, nothing has changed! I have to SERIOUSLY rethink my eating and all that...although if I think, I really, honestly, do not eat that much...but I guess I eat enough not to lose..or my body has just gotten really FINE with the way I eat and won't budge! I need some DRASTIC measures to get me moving! Of course..being on metabolism-slowing-pills doesn't help :(

*sigh*

Work is going great and I am truly loving every minute of it! I just hope I can continue at the same pace! Boss tells me he got great feedback on me, so my fingers are crossed...although, what's coming won't be so easy on me - 11 projects and all on me!!! Oh well, one step at a time!

On another note..I am still trying to figure myself out...Things I've noticed by now?
- I am really scared of life...of everything!...
- I do not "do" lonely well..
- I am so self-suggestive...it's driving me nuts!
- For some reason or another, life has thrown a real curve ball at me, and I am trying to figure it all out...
- I need a mental vacation! Seriously.
- I am thinking about death...a lot...No, I am not suicidal, but I am thinking of what if I die? I am getting this sensation that death is for some reason close to me these days..and I know that it may seem crazy to anybody reading this...but I need to get it out there...
I do not WANT to die...but for some reason subject of death seems to come up for me these days...a friend that's in the hospital who just had a stroke, to remembering people that already died...to thinking of what if I die? How does it feel?...I think I am mostly dealing with the FEAR of death because of my anxiety...I mean - why do I get anxious in the first place? Because the physical sensations I get make me think that some kind of a disaster is coming, and I am dying...so to overcome that, I think I am trying to deal with the subject of death, so that I can get "over it"...And somehow I am finding peace with it....Although, to tell you the truth, I don't think we are ever really "over it"...It's human nature to fight for the survival and so be afraid of death...but if I could just win over the anxiety of it all - it would be great...am I asking too much? Am I making any sense at all?? LOL

I should probably just go and take a shower, quit whining, and start living! (no pun intended) ;)