I am feeling blue a LOT these days...Which is so ironic, seeing that I have spent numerous blog entries talking about being positive, turning the page, "Loving Yourself" lessons...
I just don't get it! I am so desperately trying to see past that number on the scale which, for me, is getting uglier by the day! :( Am I in some kind of denial, that I am eating way too much and thinking I am OK??? Because to me it seems I am just gaining weight and have no reason to justify it at all! :( I am not eating *that much*, am I???
Tracking in WW has weaned off after the first week when I have lost a pound...afterwards I seemed to "know" what I was eating and "know" that I was being "on plan", without having to track it...but it seems it doesn't really work that way! I even went to the gym numerous times since then...sweating my butt off, thinking I am seeing results...only to step on a scale and see an even bigger number than last time!?!
I am clueless, and I feel like crying this whole morning today!
The road seems so long and the end unreachable...and I am getting tired! :(
I feel so guilty for dumping this "negativity" again on here, because this seems to not be a "happy" blog I wanted it to be...the one where I would mark and track my successes in finding that beautiful person inside - both physically and psychologically!...but I just can't hold it in anymore!
This life is turning out to really not be so "peachy and rosy" as I thought it would be! This journey particularly is just plain HARD! And it's full of let-downs...I am sick of how this has an effect on my self-confidence...of the GUILT I feel for failing over and over again...for disappointing not just myself, but everybody around me!
But how long can I live with such a guilt and succeed in this??? I don't think those two can go together...
Yes, I KNOW I am the one who has control! But it is *ME* who is disappointing ME over and over again....and I am just full of fear....fear of staying this way..fear of getting worse....fear of losing myself completely, because I don't even recognize myself any more - I have no idea who this girl is with all this fat around her...and I am not sure how to deal with her, at all!
Le BIG *sigh*...
..sorry...
Day 47 - It's raining...
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8 comments:
Oh I totally get it, not that it helps but I relate 100%.
Hopefully things will turn for the better soon. Hugs
Tanya
Hon,
Sometimes in order to heal to move on you need to blurt, blat, rant and let out the negative. As long as you know that that is what you are doing, that those are "feelings" that that is really NOT your reality. I think of it akin to lancing a boil. Sometimes ya gotta let out all the puss (ew) so that you can begin to heal.
I agree that if you are chronically negative(guilty) then that is just a pattern and not a healthy one. But to completely deny and "fight" against the negative is to give it strength and more importance then it deserves.
You told me that talk of the compassionate observer helped. So use that.. notice the negativity, its there, that's fine. Notice that you are noticing it. Don't try and fight it. It is just your feeling it is NOT who you are.
Now take a notice to scan your being either your soul or your physical self, find something that isn't negative.. maybe its your wrist.. maybe your wrist feels strong and elegant. Notice that for a while and just breath.
What helped me recently was someone said the two basic emotions where love and fear and at our base we have to choose love or fear daily. Are you loving your negative self as part of your whole self or are you fearing your negative self as part of your whole self and as such giving it more power then it deserves?
Maybe this will make sense.. maybe it won't. Whichever just know I'm sending you lots of love to your WHOLE self.
xoxo G
wow... you and I seem to be on the same page! Does it help at all to know.. that you are not alone in your feelings, and they are in fact quite normal?? I wish they weren't. :)
I think that G's right.. getting it down on "paper" really helps... and maybe it will be the start of your 'paradigm shift'
ha ha.. i almost wrote paradigm shit...
loving you...
Amos
Well.. isn't it really.. paradigm shit?
I think that was appropriate :-D and completely cracking up here!
You gals are hilarious LOL
Thanks, G! That makes perfect sense...thanks for reminding me of the compassionate observer! ;)
Love you all! xoxoxo
Angel...the goddess within you is powerful...let her out.
G is a very wise woman. Liten to her words an take babysteps towards them. You are beautiful on the inside and the outside...you're just blinded by that nasty 'ole wall of doubt. I'll send you a hammer and we'll knock down that wall together...
Draga moja evo sad citam zadnja tri posta i nemogu da vjerujem koliko te dugo nisam citala.
Nemoj mi zamjeriti sto cu ti sad reci, ali mislim da te moram trznuti, makar zvucalo grubo. Jednostavno prestani jesti taj visak mimo obroka! Kad krenes staviti neki zabranjeni zalogaj u usta reci jednostavno: Necu! Vrati ga nazad i gotovo! Nije to nikakva mudrost. Neznam kakav ti je inace plan dijete .. koliko obroka dnevno i sl .. ali pomisli kad se odreknes tog zalogaja da ces i tako u neko skorije vrijeme jesti .. ali ono sto je zdravo i sto se uklapa u dijetu. Time neces eliminirati glad, ali ces automatski biti zadovoljna sama sobom .. a glad ces, sigurna sam, uspjeti savladati na par sati. Nakon nekog vremena (meni je trebalo nekih 7 dana) polako ce nestati ta medjuobrocna kriza i sve ce biti puno lakse. Kad uspjes fizicki prevladati tu potrebu za hranom i psihicki ces se bolje osjecati i biti spremna za novi rad na sebi. To sto ides u teretanu ce ti pomoci da sve ide brze, ali budi svjesna da ako ides u teretanu to neznaci da se mozes pretrpavati hranom u nadi da ces iznojiti visak kalorija .. to vodi samo ka stagnaciji. Ali ako budes uporedo smanjila jelo i nastavila vjezbati NEMA SANSE da rezultati izostanu!
Sorry na direktnosti i ostrom tonu, nadam se da se ne ljutis .. ali stvarno je sve toliko jednostavno, a ti si ta, jedina koja moze sve ovo gore primjeniti. Nece samo, treba truda, ali dobit ces i nagradu za taj trud ;)
I nemoj se opterecivati s tim da si nekog razocarala. Blog sluzi za to da izbacis sve iz sebe, i liojepo i ruzno. U svakom slucaju mene nisi razocarala! Jesmo sad "odrasle" :))) ali ti si za mene uvijek ona ista moja stara draga Miki. Nisi se bas promijenila toliko koliko se tebi to cini ;)
Pusa
Maja
Hvala draga moja..na svemu! I ne zamjeram ti na direktnosti UOPSTE :)...
Ljubim te ja! xoxoxo
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