Finding The Goddess In Me

As you can see – lost 2 lbs this week!
Total of 3.6 lbs lost in 5 weeks…I won’t lie…I feel a little “meh, whatever”….I mean, come on…first week I was on WW EVER (in 2004), I lost 4 lbs ! So, now to have a loss of “only” 3.6 lbs in 5 FREAKIN' WEEKS is a little discouraging…but I will try not to think about that, and think about the goals which I accomplished this week, and there are definitely some to talk about! FINALLY!

So…last week’s WW meeting was about “voting for yourself”…so, choosing something to do only for yourself and actually DOING IT!
So..I voted for myself to do 2 things:

- Earn 3 Activity Points for the week (this seems “little”, but for somebody who hasn’t ‘moved’ in a while – this is HUGE!)
- Go to a yoga class!

I am happy to say that YESTERDAY (the last day of my week), I accomplished both! I went to a “Yoga Fever” class at my gym (doing yoga in a very hot/heated room and sweating like crazy!). That class alone would earn you anywhere from 3-4 AP’s. And also while waiting for the class to start, I had 15 minutes, which I spent on the gym bike!! Earned 1 AP right there also!
AND, for 5 straight days, I’ve been taking stairs instead of elevator, to go to a 3rd floor of the building (and down whenever I needed to) I work in! As my leader Jacqui would say: “That is exactly why you had such a wonderful loss of 2lbs this week!”…so I am a little proud..and happy!

I am very determined to kick this weight to the curb…which brings me to another tale…


Yesterday was a little weird day for me (to say the least)…I was very determined to go to the gym straight from work, which I did. However, when I got there and waited for my yoga class, sitting on the gym bike and biking for 15 minutes – there were mirrors “there”…and I could see myself and my body in full “spandex glory”…I will not lie – I was SHOCKED! Shocked of how fat I look…but more shocked that I have allowed myself to come to “this”, and to even THINK that “I don’t look that bad really….”…I couldn’t shake that shock and that picture of my 2,3-fold belly and huge thighs! :( Disappointment and sadness was all over my face! Even while doing Yoga later, and seeing myself doing all the poses as they should be done and feeling “comfortable” in that body, I was still disgusted….the feeling was so strong, that I didn’t really enjoy and give myself to relaxation that Yoga is supposed to bring…and as soon as it was done and I was exiting the gym, I started feeling physically SICK! I don’t know if it was because I was doing some activity after some time, or if my sugars crashed (they shouldn’t have…I ate…), or the change in temperature (from going from a hot room to cold outside), I just felt plain sick and very shaky! With me, it escalated to anxiety and panic very quickly, and by the time I got home, I was “done”! Anxiety started to subside as soon as I got home, but the shaky feeling continued and it transferred to my whole night being shot as far as my mood went! I was very grumpy, barking at kids and my husband….The little voice in my head said: “you are behaving like a real b*tch”..but I still did it anyways…I went and took a shower, came back..still felt the same….gone to bed..watched “Ugly Betty” and “Grey’s Anatomy”…still felt the same...Anxiety, at this point, was coming in waves…But I don’t know if I can certainly call it anxiety, I just felt like I was completely LOSING IT! Not like I was “dying” (which panic usually feels like), but more like: “I am having a nervous breakdown, and I am going to lose it and they will have to put me in a mental institution”….
Isn’t that awful?
I started to cry out of sheer frustration….I so desperately wanted for somebody to understand, not that I have shared this with anybody really….but this feeling of how I am just somebody who I don’t know at this point, and I know that I don’t like….It’s driving me NUTS! And this is the first time that I am going to write/say this, but both, my husband, and my kids are suffering because of it! :(
The most stable place that I feel in is currently my work – this is where I get things done, and so far I think I am doing it well…..everywhere else, as soon as I step out – I am so uncomfortable, and so unsure of myself…I am questioning everything about myself – who I am..what I want…if I am a good person, or “bad”…I can only see bad qualities in me…the side of me I hate…and my whole demeanor changes as soon as I am faced with duties of a mother…and a wife….I am drowning in hatred toward myself and how I present myself in those roles, and I don’t know how to fix it?! The thing that drives me crazy is that I am aware of it, and still doing it….isn’t that awful???

Don’t know what to tell you….Wish I ended it with a “happy” note, since I had such a good WI today…but I am not sure if WI and all that is “enough” right now….I need more! I definitely need more…