Finding The Goddess In Me

Hello there…
I have not posted for a while, because to tell you the truth, there’s nothing to post about! I don’t feel like writing when I feel “blue”, even though I may need it the most at those times – but since this is a public forum really – I am disgusted to “make” anybody read negative things…but, here I am today, trying to “explain” it all – but not really…I just wanted to update my blog, because I am tired of looking at that piggy stuffing its face!
Anyways – what’s new? Nothing really…my last WI was a disaster again, as I gained another 1.6 lbs…although in my mind that was “stayed-the-same” because I missed the WI before that, where I already gained that weight…so I am 0.2 lbs shy of my STARTING weight of 210.6 lbs…which disgusts me :( Granted I was sick most of those weeks, and my body was just trying to cooperate with keeping up with my weight loss attempts at eating better food, drinking more water, less calories, etc….and then also being sick at the same time and trying to hold on to whatever it could…Yeah, yeah..blah, blah..I understand it all, but I still believe I could have done better. Could have tried harder….
It’s not even about the scale anymore, I am just so sad when I look at the mirror now…I have LITERALLY been crying for the past 2 days whenever I would come home from work and look at myself in the mirror…I am constantly surprised at how big I’ve gotten…at how big I look on the outside, because on the inside I don’t feel that way, darn it! My mind cannot connect with this physical apparition of myself. I have started to hate my clothes, to hate my CLOSET, hate getting up, hate being intimate, hate walking around like that..just HATE everything! What drives me even more nuts is that you would think that this “hate” would now make me do better things and maybe even want to STARVE (not that I would ever do that) in order to not look like that any more…but I am just NOT doing what I need to be doing! Would ANYBODY explain to me why that is??? How in the world can you want something so much, but do everything NOT to get what you want???? I have tried so many times to explain that to myself…trying to dig deep, blah, blah…but I don’t think my logical mind can comprehend such an absurdity! Who would???

Of course, it hasn't helped when my ex boyfriend contacted me after a very long time, couple of days ago, and has seen some pictures of me and said: "When were these pictures taken? Cause you look like a little fatty (and then he put in the smiley there). What have you been doing these years? Eating everything in sight? (insert "lol lol" here)"..and then he brilliantly added, when I was silent in disbelief: "just joking...you know you'll always be beautiful to me"...yeah right buddy, ef-off!

Anyways…that’s where I am at…
I have not given up…every day I start my day eating right, and taking my portioned lunches, and counting and counting…but I get hungry…I start craving…sometimes I can succeed in not succumbing to those, but sometimes I do…and of course I feel guilty and disgusted, and I cry again because “it’s not fair”…but it’s ridiculous really!
I keep watching those shows like “Biggest Loser” and “X-Weighted” and what-not…and they’re even making me more frustrated, because why wouldn’t “I” do those things! Why can’t I be successful ONCE in my life at this!?! At least KEEP AT IT for longer than a week!
I just don’t get it…not even a bit…