Finding The Goddess In Me

Feeling very embarrassed and foolish the past couple of days. Yes, I am still dizzy and feeling very “blah” as the day progresses, but I am hanging on and plowing through whatever anxiety, panic, or confusion I am feeling…however, I am dealing with all of it mostly through EATING! And here my friends is where we get to the bottom of all of my problems! I have been literally FEEDING my anxiety, for it to not escalate to anything more…Just as if you would feed and stuff the hungry lion, so you can then enter his cage and do whatever you have to do with him, so he doesn’t eat *you*! To me, this has not been a secret…but this week it has literally SLAPPED me in the face, as in the past 2 days I have been STUFFING my face with little things here and there. “Why, oh WHY!”, I would ask myself whilst chewing some crap I’ve given in to, and the answers come as clear as day:

“You’ve never had a panic attack on a full stomach!”


How enlightening…

Bah...

Anyways, it is true - the more you go “off plan”, you feel like you already messed up enough, and now you give yourself even more freedom to stuff your face, since you’re writing off this week anyways….Darn it…the worst is, I know how it goes..yet I still do it! I have even contemplated NOT going to the WW meeting tomorrow, and not weighing in, because I KNOW I have gained….My little loss of “3.2 lbs” over 2 weeks will crumble to even smaller numbers, as I weigh in tomorrow and admit my “out of control” behavior….I am DEFINITELY not proud. However, I will go. I have to. They say that this would be the time that you actually need the WW meeting the most! So, let’s see if what they say is true…

What a day yesterday! If I were to have written this post last night, I would have probably been a mess! But, let me start from the beginning…
So yesterday was my first day back at work after being off for a week, due to being sick, etc. Being that I am also going through a rollercoaster ride since completely going off my medication, I was still very dizzy and a “weak” feeling was over me whole day, with some ups and downs. The understanding between my husband and I was that he was going to pick up both kids from school and daycare, respectively, and I will go home and start dinner. By the time I got home I was very shaky and felt worse than the whole day….I changed into my pajamas and started heating up a soup we made and also frying up some sausages…I couldn’t wait to finish and sit down. In the midst of me standing over the oven and cooking, the phone rings at 5:10 p.m. – it’s my dear husband. He informs me that he has just locked his keys in his office, so he can’t leave, and could I please RUSH OUT and pick up both kids, because it’s already 5:10 and school/daycare close at 6:00 p.m.! I don’t think I comprehended the full message until I hung up with him and realized what I need to do now! The panic starts creeping in me…insecurity of how well I am feeling to rush out now and pick up 2 kids from school….It’s dark out now, cars are literally crawling on the main street due to rush hour….and I am starting to shake from panic! I will not go through all the details of the next hour….but I have gone through a “little” hell and back while picking up the kids and coming back home! It is enough to tell you that my hands were starting to deform and clench from all the panic that struck me. But…as my husband would say, after I told him all this, I did it….I went…got the kids…came back….and lost about 10 years of my life in one hour!
After I have stepped into the house after all that, my eyes started swelling up with tears! “Oh, look at you now!!! Panic all gone, is it??? You damn fool!!! When are you going to start to believe yourself and trust yourself that YOU ARE GOING TO BE JUST FINE!”….(this was my inner dialogue with myself that has transpired).
Thousand and one thought went through my mind that night….What did that mean??? Am I NOT supposed to go off medication?? Are the panic attacks back? Is this what my life will be like again after a whole year??? Am I not DONE with this already??
I was feeling so helpless…so sad…so desperate to get the clear answer from someone….from somewhere….that I am doing the right thing! …that I am on the right track with all this!
I do NOT want to go back to medication! NO! Meds in the case of anxiety are only masking the symptoms, they are not HEALING, and are certainly not hitting the source! I have to do this on my own – with my own mind!
….
Today I am feeling better…New day always brings another perspective into things. I am now thinking that last night wasn’t really THAT bad…I’ve had worse! It doesn’t mean anything, for sure, to tell me that I am going in the wrong direction with all this. On top of it all – this morning I have also gotten my period, so we all know that we are all susceptible to “incoherent” behavior during PMS..right? Yes, I am dizzy again this morning, but going on as if I am not even noticing it. It’s going to go away! It has to….
Tonight I also have to do the presentation of my project for the class I am taking at the local college, so one more thing I just have to go through today! There is no TIME to think about stupid things, such as anxiety, panic, going off of meds, etc…..Life goes on! It doesn’t wait…

Through it all (and being that I have been going through PMS all week), I have had a huge desire to stuff my face with any food at all. Last night was absolutely the worst time, since I started WW, that I have felt this way! I’ve been literally standing over the Halloween candy last night and CLAWING at the kitchen counter, so as not to reach for ANY chocolate. Going back and forth multiple times to take it…then coming back….then I finally had that little conversation with myself that they are teaching us about in WW meetings: “Why do you want that chocolate? Are you hungry? What are you REALLY “hungry” for? Peace? Calm?...is that chocolate going to help? Are you going to feel better?”….Then I finally started to trust myself when that little voice said: “nope…you’re not going to feel better, TRUST ME! You will open that little two-bite chocolate and gulf it down in literally a SECOND. You’re not even going to feel any satisfaction of having that chocolate in your mouth! You’re not even going to taste it! The “pleasure” will be over in 2 seconds, and you’re just going to be left feeling “hungry” again, with addition of feeling guilty for caving in….Trust me…you don’t want this crap!”…..so I did…I trusted….and I didn’t take it…
But boy, was it hard!



In the end, after the whole day, I was left with a little pride in myself again…another day over….here we go again! New day, new chance to make it all even better!

I feel as though I am floating...somewhere in between stable ground and vast skies...This feeling is not comfortable or enjoyable, since this is how I can describe the "SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome" ride that I have been on since 10 days ago, when I completely stopped taking my anti-depressants. I feel as though I am starting to sound crazy to people when trying to explain to them that I am ready to go off of them. They don't trust me - especially now when they see me so "spaced out" and going through vast majority of withdrawal symptoms all the books write about. But no! I am determined to continue on! Post-partum cannot be called post-partum anymore! My son is 2! As these pounds that I've gained during second pregnancy are not "pregnancy weight" any more - so is my anxiety not "post-partum" any more, and I am ready...I am SOOOOO ready!
I will probably sound a little "masochist" now, but even though I have felt horrible with all the dizziness and nausea and lightheadedness, feeling of being spaced out and as though my brain is shutting off and rebooting every so often - I have felt FREEDOM at the same time! Freedom that I haven't felt for a long time! I am finally in control of all of my moods and feelings and actions...I am taking control!

Weird...based on how I've been feeling for the past week, I thought this post would be extremely negative and sad...but with every letter I type, I feel stronger! More determined! :)

As I've said...weird... :)

WW? Meh...I have dipped pretty deep into my allowance points already (since starting my new week on Friday), so I am not very proud of that, but I think I've had a nice little "non-scale-victory" today! We decided to order Swiss Chalet for dinner tonight, and instead of ordering my fave quarter chicken dinner (dark meat) with FRIES, I actually ordered chicken breast with rotisserie vegetables and garden salad on the side!!! Not only that! When the order came and all the other members of my family opened their fries filled portions, I didn't take ANY from them to "sneak a taste"! I was amazed at my self! Soooo proud! I think I am finally reaching that place in myself when I recognize the choices that I need to make in order to make this happen!! In order to find myself again underneath all this "fat"...

I hope tomorrow brings a little more of stable ground, rather than vast skies...

Well...
HAPPY HALLOWEEN to all! :)



I just came back from my 3rd WI, and I lost another pound!!! That is totalling a 3.2 lb loss in the past two weeks! I won't lie, I was a bit disappointed when I saw just "one" pound show up on the scale, but then when I thought about it - it made sense! Even though I was perfectly OP and everything, I *didn't move* for the past 5 days! I am home sick a whole week now..on antibiotics...and lying in bed most of the time! It's a wonder I lost that pound!!! So, I am happy!

Now..the big question is - how will I avoid the chocolate that's all around me tonight?! I guess I'll just find a way to "trick" myself, instead of "treat"! Bwaaahahahaha I kill me... ;)

I haven't even noticed until just now that all this week I am just waiting for that next weigh in! This thought hasn't even occurred to me, since I've been sick all week, battling with some low-grade fever and general awful feeling. I have finally found out that I have strep throat, and now I am on antibiotics and home for the rest of the week...however, I still plan on making that WI at work tomorrow! I wouldn't miss it for the world!!!
This has become an obsession, I am starting to think. I have faithfully tracked points all week, and now I am ready to face the scale again tomorrow. When I step on my scale at home, it shows such varying numbers throughout the day, that I don't know what to believe any more! Sometimes it's a loss, sometimes it's a gain...but I have been so good, that I can't imagine not seeing another victory on the scale tomorrow...We'll see...til' then, we're waiting.
..
I am amazed that I would rather talk about this and not about the fact that as of last Thursday, I am OFF MEDS completely! Yes, my friends...I have been off for a week now! I guess I am hesitant to talk about that because I feel the pull to go back to what once was...my anxiety filled days...It is so hard to resist the pull, but I am battling every day. I have not had a panic attack yet, but I have had a couple of episodes of dizziness and fear starting to creep in...not to mention the constant anticipatory thoughts of "is it coming yet?? is this it???"...I know I shouldn't be doing this to myself, and I am trying not to. The only reason why I haven't had a panic attack yet again is because this time "I know better"...I know that I have that control, and let me tell you - I am practicing it every week!
I will not lie and say that I am still not afraid - I am! I am terrified of falling into "old ways" - but I can't go back to meds. Not because they didn't work for me, or because I had some horrible side effects from them - I haven't had none..but because taking meds to me is just giving up...giving up on faith in myself. Panic attacks ARE mind over matter...mind over mood! And until I face these fears head on - I will NEVER be free! Meds are just prolonging the inevitable...

I am feeling very vulnerable these days...Some form of melancholy coming over me and rocking me into this state of wanting to be "alone" and "with myself"...and I know that I will have to "wake up" soon..but for now I am enjoying it...I am trusting it, that it is exactly what I need right now.

Here's to tomorrow...for MANY! reasons...

Oh, I am sooo happy! :)
Finally a loss! But hey, I expected that! I was sooo good this week! Really!
Although, this morning when I weighed in, I was down 5 lbs on MY scale..but yeah, I weighed in just wearing my bra and panties...
I think I finally understand the craziness people go through when somebody else will weigh them! I actually took my jeans that I wanted to wear today and WEIGHED them! Do you know how much a pair of jeans weighs???? Anywhere between 2-3 lbs!!!!! MY DOD!!! Needless to say, I wore a "light" pair of grey work pants..man!..

I am leaving with the quote that slapped me in the face this week quite hard, and which our WW leader showed on the board today:

"If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution."

shocking..isn't it?...hmmmmm....

It’s been a while..but a lot has happened!
Truthfully, I can’t even begin to remember what happened in the past month, but the main “change” in my life is that I have finally FULLY committed to following the Weight Watchers program. Mainly, I have joined “WW at Work” program, where every Friday, a bunch of people (all women, btw) from my company are getting together in one of our meeting rooms and with the Weight Watchers leader and having a regular WW meeting, complete with a weigh in! I have welcomed this “change” in my life, because I think that I so desperately need that accountability toward somebody! I mean – somebody else weighing you – if that will not do it, what will???
So..I have had my first meeting 2 weeks ago when I have had a first WI (weigh in), and 210.6 lbs started back at me from the scale…..
I was *NOT* impressed…But I was not surprised either. I am weighing myself almost daily for the past 2 years, so I KNOW where I am at…but just “sharing” that number with somebody else makes you want to throw up…Here I was, admitting it to the world my exact number from the scale…AND fully dressed, might I add?! Blasphemy! LOL
Anyways…the first WI after that I weighed in with the same number! I was so happy, because that was the week of the long weekend and Canadian Thanksgiving, so I was VERY thankful that I have not gained! This week however, I am in the “GAME ON!”mode, and so far, so good! I am trying not to peak at my scale on the home, so I am not getting discouraged if I am not seeing a loss right away…but I know that I have changed so many things in my diet. I *KNOW* how excruciating it was to pass up all the goodies showing up here at work at all times in order to be “on points” and faithful to the program…so I better SEE the darn loss this Friday…I will report of the results, of course!

In other news? Tomorrow marks the day when I will take my last ¼ of my medication, which will begin my last round of “getting of the meds” process – taking ¼ of the pill every other day….
I am so proud of myself on how I have handled this process! I have basically taken my own approach to this and have gone off these pills even slower than my doctor has suggested, in hopes of lowering any withdrawal side effects one might have. And I have DONE IT! I have not had *ANY* side effects since starting this withdrawal process in August (I can’t even believe I have stuck to this so long…). It’s been slow..but the end is coming! Thoughts were showing up of “how will I take it?”..and “will I get panic attacks again??”…but I am so pleased to report, that I have never felt better! Somehow everything I’ve read about anxiety and panic attacks in the past 2 years has crystallized in my mind, and I have finally taken that “mind over mood” approach and am gaining more and more confidence in myself that it is I who is in control of myself and my moods and emotions, and hence anxiety and panic, which used to grip me.

So..here I am…finding myself once more…in good, in bad…no turning back!