Finding The Goddess In Me

Well..it's been a while! However, all these days have completely been filled with "food for thought" findings and new things I've learned about myself. I think that in the past month I have learned more about myself than ever before! Results? I am not sure if I am surprised or not, but it has truly been eye-opening to find out how negative I've been and how that has not only influenced me, but my family too. I hope that these new lessons are now learned, and that I am now set to start this journey anew...Well, not really "anew" - I am not going to say "Day 1" all over again, but in a way, I have reached that moment where I was ready to begin implementing a lot of "basic steps" into getting to a healthier me!
First off - I joined Weight Watchers Online, again! I was journaling what I was eating in my Excel file I made for myself, but it didn't really work on keeping me accountable...it just wasn't that appealing - plus I didn't have any limits to control what I have been eating. Second of all, I think I finally understand that without more movement, I will do NOTHING!...So, this week alone, I have been to the gym 3 times already! Last night I even went to a spinning class for the first time! HA! Let me tell you - I just about died 2 or 3 times; but I didn't give up! I finished it, and what's even more weird - I think I will return to do it again! I may even make it a habit! :) So..we'll see...I am not making any commitments, as commitments just put a lot of unnecessary pressure on me - expectations I never live up to...so I'll just take it slowly...one moment at a time... Something I've learned about myself days ago ;)

I hope, no, I KNOW! that this time is different...that this time I have more resolve..this time I am approaching this in a more holistic way - viewing myself from every aspect of life - spiritual, physical, as well as emotional....I am digging inside and I swear I can almost touch her...that Goddess in me!!!

These days are flying by!
No, it does not mean that I have been perfectly "good" for 23 days, or that I have any results to show for it....but for 23 days I have compassionately observed myself and have learned a TON! I am still learning to be disciplined, as I've learned recently:

"Discipline is remembering what you want."

You would think I KNOW what I want already and am remembering all the time! Yet..It seems I keep forgetting, as I am in no way ready to say or show that I am truly disciplined! I have also learned that we ALL have discipline! It is not something, as I previously believed, that you either HAVE or NOT HAVE...like some genetic trait...I used to say: "I just don't have any self-control!", as if it is an excuse for anything! Discipline is in us all - we just need to practice using it! The more we use it, the better we become at it!
So, here I am, practicing!

You can't motivate someone who can't hear you, so here I am, YELLING at myself to be who I want to be!...as "every decision we make - EVERY DECISION - is not a decision about what to do. It's a decision about Who You Are." (quote by Neal Donald Walsch).

To tell you the truth, it is not easy to take all these findings and just use them. You know - "practice what you preach" and such, as these are really deep and serious findings! Everything sounds easy enough - but it is NOT!...
It is HARD being positive! It is hard retraining your thoughts, your being, to get the best out of yourself, when for so long you thought that you just had 'bad luck'...HA! I have just caught myself being negative again! I should actually say: "it is easy being positive! It is easy to retrain your thoughts, your being, and to get the best out of yourself...just do it!" :)...

From the "100 Ways to Motivate Others" book:

Understanding the "thought" in life:

A. I'm depressed.
B: You just think you're depressed.
A: Same thing...it feels like the same thing.
B: It feels like the same thing, because it IS the same thing.
A: What if I thought I was really happy?
B: I think that would make you feel really happy.

Hmmmmmmm....

Don't you notice the similarities between all these different books and the famous "Secret" practice? "Secret" was never something new ...basically it wasn't a secret..Other writers have just not made such a big hype about it!..
But yes, thought, my friends, is a powerful thing!

I am definitely getting there! ;)

So, I am looking at this page, and I sense the negativity coming from it. The guilt..retelling of the failures...no true motivation...knowledge that I am not really happy about it all - all in all, I am NEGATIVE in my expression to you, and I generally do feel like a "negative person"...
So this morning I asked myself - what does it take to be positive??? Can I BE positive all of a sudden? How can I make that happen?
So, as usual, I am thinking and researching...AND doing a lots of reading!
First words I stumble upon:

"You are what you think. You feel what you want."

WHOA! These words hit me hard! Imagine that. Feeling what you WANT to feel???
Next glance, I find these words:

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
-Abraham Lincoln-

I am really getting close now!
So, our present attitudes are like habits! We built them based on the feedback from our parents, from friends, teachers, priests, society in general!
To be happy, and be "positive" we have to build our self-esteem that exists in all of us and promote positive thinking!
To do this, we do 3 things:

1.Commit
2.Control
3.Challenge

These 3 words are pretty self explanatory. People who do these are successfull people - HAPPY people!

So, this change from negative to positive has to come from inside! It is much easier to affect change internally because we are dealing with an aspect of the universe that we have some control over! These 'inner conversations' we have with ourselves day to day have to change! I mean, it's nothing new to think that any person who has a weight problem has self-esteem issues also. And although we let it built to its present pathetic existence, in order to be happy and CHANGE that, we have to rebuild our inner circuit! Our thoughts...our perceptions! Because guess what - PERCEPTIONS ARE REALITY! YOUR reality!
We have to learn to act as if the life we visualized is already here! The only thing between you and your desire to be happy is one single fact: You are not happy because of how you think! This little known fact keeps many from reaching their goal of happiness...
You create your thoughts, your thoughts create your intentions, your intentions create your reality!

So, I am turning the page...
I am becoming positive! To build this habit of positive thinking, I will wake up each morning and thank the universe for my existence - whatever it is...and get on with the day as it were my happiest day in my life! Even though I may not feel like it - you LITERALLY HAVE TO PRACTICE FEELING GOOD! Make yourself smile when you do not want to smile! Go meet someone new when you absolutely feel like being alone!...We have to go against ourselves to build this new habit...and I truly hope that one day I will wake up and not have to make myself smile, or remind myself to think positive...I will just "be"!

SATC movie outing with the girls was GREAT! I couldn't believe the movie crowd! All women (actually - we found 2 men in the crowd!!! LOL) were dressed in their top fashion! The colourful array of flowy dresses, and sexy heels! It was just AMAZING! Excitement was definitely in the air throughout the whole movie, as we laughed and *sniffed* through a few scenes of the movie! All in all - I loved it! Yeah, it may not have been as "raunchy" as the series, but definitely worth it, as I missed the girls so much!

Now, me? I don't know what to tell you. I am soooo trying to be on the right track! Yes, I am still giving into small temptations, but I have mostly come to a point where a lot of things just disgust me! I don't know if it's my sensitive tummy these days, but I have found a lot of things just plain revolting to me that I used to eat all the time, and even crave! I am still missing a lot of activity in my life, as my sessions with the PT have stalled a little due to my hectic work schedule. I still feel guilty of all kind of things I am doing - and so guilty of asking for more "me" time from the family...so I have to do with the time that I have - which is "work time" - which doesn't allow for much anymore...hence, my difficulties.
Darn guilt!
I don't know if it's my hormones again, but I have been all over the place over the weekend. Even throughout the movie, I have experienced a "mild" panic-attack...which has left me shaky the rest of the night! I hate the fact that panic attacks have that "after effect"...It's so hard to shake off...
Then I got furious and so irritated with the fact that I am STILL experiencing these, even though I am on "medication" for almost a frigging year! I thought I would come to a point where I would feel like I no longer need it - and not feel like I need something STRONGER! :( This has also led me to think that I may need to find someone professional to talk to once again about this....
How do we truly get better? How do we get cured from any psychological disorder? Do we ever???
I am confused. And in the meantime I do feel "the guilt"....it is everywhere...and damn it if I know how to deal with it! *sigh*

I can't wait until 6:50 tonight, when all the lights in the movie theatre will dim down and that well known theme of the series starts! *big grin*
Sex & The City movie is finally out - and I am going to see it with 5 of my girlfriends!! 6 of us are going for the first show at Galaxy Cinemas, followed by Cosmos at Wildcraft, after the movie! wooohooo!!!! I am sooo excited!
I may even dare to put on my new heels and some "extra" makeup! LOL
Just joking...but yeah - I am DEFINITELY in the mood for this tonight!
Food wise, I am doing just "ok"...not overly cautious, but not overeating at all! I am still watching what I eat and all, I just wish there was some more activity included. Oh well....
Days are so hectic though - how am I supposed to do it all??? Seriously! I wonder, how do we do it all??? Work, home, kids, friends, and keeping our sanity in check?! I am so overwhelmed by all the responsibilities I have on my shoulders these days - and guilt is the *worst* you can feel when you have a *slight* problem with "disorderly eating"! Guilt makes us do some very bad things and does a number on our sanity! It is the worst of the feelings, because it lingers for so long, and it's hard to get rid of....If you find the way - let me know!

Meanwhile, you know where to find me! I'll be the one in black peep-toe heels! ;)

Lost 2 lbs in a week!
Not a big "woohooo" - but very good for a change! I am finally LOSING!
As always - that first day when you weigh in - you give yourself freedom to eat a bit more - so I have had a crazy day...I still tried to eat well - but it was the "going out with people from work" that did me in! However, I am hoping that won't have a huge influence on my next week! Onward we go! ;)

I gotta say - I am proud of myself!
I don't know how I did it, but somehow I have reached that point where "enough is enough" and I have really started to pay attention! And believe it or not - that is all that is needed!!!
So, my parents were visiting for the weekend, and that is usually the time where I just pig out, because mom is cooking home made meals, and our whole socilizing concentrates around food! We had a "seafood bbq" on Saturday with some friends, then we were invited to another BBQ on Sunday...all in all - I had plenty of opportunity to pig out - BUT I DIDN'T! I ate just enough to not be hungry, and didn't snack all the time like I usually do when we are all together, because someone is eating AT ALL TIMES! But let me tell you, it wasn't so easy! I had to really think of my every step, every minute...I had to remind myself what I want, why I am not taking that cookie, or picking up an extra serving of something delicious we had on the table...It is WORK! ..and at some point I am probably going to get sick of it and will wonder how one is supposed to live like that their whole life...but at this point, that is what I have to do! I told you that for me, this is not going to be one day at a time - but one SECOND at a time! And it is exactly that! Watching and reminding myself all the time!
I saw my PT again today - first time in 2 weeks (he was on vacation), and told him that I have taken things into my own hands this time. Told him how I stepped on the scale and saw that I was 10 lbs. over my initial weight, when I first joined the gym!..and how that is just NOT ok! He gave me all of his support, so I have exactly 17 sessions more with him, to make some difference!! I hope that with this new plan I do something....that I finally see some results!
And one more small "victory" if you please - after the workout I usually get a "Berry Blitz" from the little cafe that is RIGHT THERE by the gym - which is just a protein smoothie - berries, non-fat yogurt and a spoonful of protein powder...but this time I didn't! First of all - it's darn EXPENSIVE! (almost $6 for a medium shake!), and second of all - I DIDN'T NEED IT! I already had some non-fat yogurt at my desk that I brought from home to have for snack..so I just had that and some almonds - and I am not hungry!!! so, YAY! :)

All in all - expecting to see some results on Wednesday - that would be exactly a week since I started this little "diet plan"...which I wouldn't even call a diet - because I am eating really well - but just watching portions and eliminating junk and processed sugars.

Thankfully, I only had headache for that one day - all other days - pain free! Actually, ask me tomorrow, after all of this exercising from today kicks in! ;)