Finding The Goddess In Me

Well, it's almost Christmas!
Days are really flying by, as I try to figure out my future! More and more I feel that this is really it - the "turn of the century" for me...that big things are going to happen...and some possibly worse to be able to get better!..but it's going..it's moving...and I think I am just holding my breath!

I have been studying like crazy! Finished my two courses for project management - enrolled into a thrid one starting January..Also, now that my nutrition books are here - I have written a paper on "Shiatsu Therapy", finished a test on "How to give nutrition advice legally"...and am dug deep into Biology, as well as Holistic Approach to Nutrition! HA!..See, I am not just sitting on my behind doing nothing ;)...

Don't ask me about my weight! While I want to get there and get skinny and beautiful, and healthy...I am really not in a position to concentrate on it right now. Who has time for weight loss when your life is changing?? Jokes on the side though, I just don't have the strength to do it now...To give it the attention it deserves...I think I am mostly just not ready to love myself yet!..That is all it really comes down to. It is *that* simple! And I will not love myself until I bring my life to order by figuring out who I really am and what I want to do with my life. It is scary that it all boils down to my profession (pretty much), but isn't it what I spend my time doing the most in my life?? An average person spends about 8.5 hours at work every day!...Out of 16 wake hourse, we spend more than half of it working!...and don't forget the drive to and from work, which takes at least an hour of my day also...So, basically about 60% of my life is just work!..and 40% has to spread on family, friends, hobbies, WHATEVER! No wonder...

One other thing...
Isn't it amazing how when you open one door, other doors appear?... Nooks and nieches you've never seen before, suddenly appear, as if out of nowhere! Again, I really believe it is the Law of Attraction at work...Once you start to show an intrest in something, the life just presents more of the same, and you're drawn into it more and more...
Be it some new area of study, your new hobby, the book you've read and loved, so you just suddenly start finding more and more of the same theme everywhere...I believe that that is exactly what's been happening to me. I have shown an intrest in nutrition, and not just "nutrition" - but a HOLISTIC approach to it...a whole other realm on some higher frequency, which ecnompasses our bodies into one whole being...Where the body is treated overall, and not just a particular organ or "disease"...All the while, while I am studying the analytical side of it, I feel the presence of this higher energy, which lays undiscovered, but by a few...and it's scary, yet fascinating, and I think I belong!

...

Well, the books for module 1 of my nutrition studies have arrived! I can hardly wait every night, after my kids have gone to bed, to start studying and working on my tests! I hope this enthusiasm lasts! LOL For now, it's going great!
Yesterday was such a happy day too! I took a vacation day off work, and went into my nutritionist's office and worked with her for the entire day! Just calling the clients to reschedule appointments, taking inventory of different homeopathic remedies, and pricing them, has made my day. Throughout the whole day though, I have talked to R. (which is how I will refer to my nutritionist from now on) about nutrition, and business! I took in so much, and have felt a great energy around myself the whole day! It's amazing how such things as changing what you do in a day can make or break your whole feeling of happiness! It then hit me how doing something you dread every day can make you SO SICK! I guess my only solution for now would be to try and convince myself that I have to do my job in order for me to be able to enjoy "nutrition". That's what it really falls down to - at least for now.
I have also talked to R. about food and how I had not been able to concentrate on losing weight, and she has completely understood my problem.
I have told her, it's not about the food anymore at all! It's all mental and connected to our emotions. I have understood the reasons of why I eat what I eat and how much - it's because I feel so "unwell" all the time! Be it anxiety, or just plain "not great" feeling, I have tried to bring myself up to par by eating, thinking it will give me "energy"..."fuel to continue with my duties"...."fuel to be a mom....a wife...a good employee..." Yet, I have been failing miserably, totally aware of the fact that the more I disregard my diet, I will continue to feel unwell, and will probably then continue to gain weight too...
The "compassionate observer" in me has also reminded me that I am on medication! I mean, it's amazing that I am even holding steady at a certain weight, considering that I am taking medication which completely slows down my metabolism and works against everything in my body to lose weight.
The simple fact is - I need to somehow maintain my focus, and I NEED EXERCISE! Now we just have to find the time for me to actually *do* it!

On a completely different topic - I am enjoying this Christmas season. Although I have not yet put up my tree, nor bought any presents - I am excited to start! This coming weekend will all be dedicated to starting off a Christmas season in my home! :) Can't wait!