Finding The Goddess In Me

What a weekend!
So Friday was a “shot” day for me…I gave myself permission to rebel and eat what I want, thinking “why not? It doesn’t make a difference if I do or don’t!” Unfortunately, it didn’t end at the end of day Friday! My parents came Friday night (from another town) to stay for the weekend, and there is something about my parents being “here” that sends me running to stuff myself with whatever I can find! I honestly do NOT know what that is! I have tried to think about it – is it because I am nervous? Or maybe because my parents are people who use food for everything in their life: to celebrate, to mourn, to distress, to..whatever! They always bring some sweets into the house, AND they bring a lot of guests over too! When they come, we love to have people around and coming to the house to just “get together”….There is always food, and the food is not low on points! But the biggest reason, I think, of why I stuff my face when my parents are here, is because I feel inadequate! I don’t think this blog is the “place” for what would come out of me if I tried to explain the relationship between my mother and me, but let’s just say that my mom is my biggest critic! It is NOT easy to satisfy that woman! That is all I am going to say about that…(at least for now LOL)…
All in all…a very VERY “bad” weekend, as far as being “on plan” is concerned! I did it very consciously, and it didn’t bother me one bit. The only thing I do hate is that I still look the way I look..and am almost frustrated with “the world” of why I look like this….Never asking myself: “well how did you get here?”….So dumb…yet it just happens!

I have always been fascinated with psychology! And if I could have one wish, I would wish to have means and opportunity to go back to school and get a psychology degree this time….I would be the one to go ALL THE WAY – to get a PhD and be a full- fledged clinical psychologist! Our minds are sooooo powerful, yet so “unknown”…what we are able to do with our minds, is just incredible! Physiological stuff is just a byproduct of what our mind does! What it makes us do….
To reach my body…. I will first have to reach my mind! …and so, the journey continues!

What does one need to do to lose weight??? Because *apparently* eating right and exercising will NOT do it! :(
I can't believe I actually GAINED this week! I have been perfectly OP, and even went to the gym 2 times to meet with PT! He KICKED MY BUTT and I worked out as hard as ever!
Yeah..I got the spiel from my WW leader how that is "normal" after you start exercising and introducing more activity in your life - how the sclae suddenly shows a gain...they have no clue why! Please don't tell me I actually built muscle because I've been in the gym 2 times this week..PFFT!!!
Amazingly enough, I don't feel like quitting...What I *am*, is sick of being fat...and it's bothering me more and more each passing day. I can't stand it anymore...can't stand my look in the mirror, and can't stand the way I feel! This fat has GOT TO GO!

That's all I gotta say about THAT!

Days are going by so fast, that it constantly amazes me when I look at the date on the calendar and see that a year has gone by since I started this blog…Yet, I am in such a different place right now! So much has happened…so many thoughts had run through my head..emotions expressed and ‘secrets’ revealed…And I conclude that at this time, I am content!
Based on my previous post, you would maybe wonder how that is possible, but don’t we all expect “ups” and “downs” in our life all the time? Yes, I have been dealing with a lot of stuff lately, stuff that has made me question my sanity and ability to go through a lot of things ….However, I can’t help but feel victorious in a way. I have accomplished some HUGE things that I set out to do in the last year!

• I have gotten a new job – and not just “any” new job – but the exact job that I WANTED! I have switched my career from being a Mechanical Engineer, to a career in Project Management! I am slowly climbing my way to exactly where I want to be…
• I have gotten OFF medication, and even though that has been a roller coaster ride with my emotions and physical being, I have done it, and I feel really good about that achievement!
• And even though I have started many, many times, I have finally been consistent on the path to losing this extra weight I have piled on over the years and in my last pregnancy – and that has to be good for something! :)

Since the last time I wrote, I have felt nothing but peace with myself. No… “problems” and challenges have not suddenly disappeared, but they really never will – as I have recently realized, it is not situations that ever change, it is how we behave towards those situations and take them on, that determines if we are happy or not…if we are content or not…And ever since the last time I dumped my frustrations and fears on this blog, I have slowly taken that turn for the better. Just writing the “insanity” down, has opened my eyes and helped me realize that only *I* can make that happen. Yes, having a therapist can always help, but as my first ever therapist (a lady I’ve dealt with just after my second pregnancy when I first started feeling anxious) told me – “I do not hold all the answers for you, nor will I tell you ever what to do….I am just here to be your sounding board, so you can actually HEAR yourself through me…”….So, instead of paying some crazy money to get my sounding board, I have decided that I really do have the ability to realize how and what needs to change….if I ever get to the point where I find myself struggling, I will definitely ask for help (I am not the one to run from obvious and logic). Friends can also help greatly in this situation – serve as our sounding boards…but, as with everything, you need a friend that you can trust, and I don’t mean trust in a sense that they won’t run off with that information and blabber it to someone else…but trust in a sense where you feel comfortable enough to open up – to trust your sanity with that other person, that they can intelligently provide you with feedback and give you that picture of yourself that you are drawing! That is not easy to find…but I think I have been blessed in many ways, and that is one of them….I have a whole network of ladies that are my sounding board and my support…as well as a few people around me that I trust in this way also.

To finalize, I had a little chat with my husband also :) We’ve talked about how we both lose tempers very often lately, and 90% of our interaction becomes frustration and literally “yelling” around the house at different things that need to be done, or about things that are lost, kids, etc…thankfully, no denials here….So, we decided that we will have a “code” word for when one of us starts “losing it”, to “yell” it out and so alert the other one that it’s time to “chill” and maybe change the approach! My brilliant husband decides that we should use the word “orange” LOL for the code word….Don’t know why – he was talking about “amber alerts” and stuff…not sure how this is really “orange” – but we both liked the sound of it…:)
Let me tell you – I have never heard the word “orange” MORE in my life than over the last weekend! LOL But amazingly enough, IT WORKED!!!! Not only have we corrected our manners every time that one would yell out “orange” when another starts “yelling”, but we would also start laughing, as that word is just cracking us up, no matter what mood we were in at that particular moment!

Haha….jokes on the side though….I feel such an unbelievable difference from being off the medication…I don’t know if it’s just me “wanting” it to be different (cause mind can do amazing things like that), but I feel free! It’s as though I have been carrying over a mask and bandaid to cover every emotion that I have been feeling! When I told you last time that I cried, it was SUCH AN AMAZING FEELING! Because I had realized then that I haven’t been “able” to cry for sooooooo long!!!! There were many times when “old me” would have cried…but I just didn’t….I was secretly terrified that I had “hardened” into this “robot” that cannot express any emotions….but I hadn’t! It was just the medication masking and not letting me feel anything! Yeah..it didn’t let me feel anxiety…but the meds can’t chose that particular emotion…they didn’t let me feel ANYTHING!....And so now, I feel free….Free to laugh AND cry when I want to….I was worried that I was losing myself and didn’t know anymore who I was…wondering if I’ll ever know again…..and I think I am starting to get glimpses of my old self…of what once was….and so I am always getting back to this analogy of “finding the goddess in me”…but boy is it nice to get those peeks and “see”….

As you can see – lost 2 lbs this week!
Total of 3.6 lbs lost in 5 weeks…I won’t lie…I feel a little “meh, whatever”….I mean, come on…first week I was on WW EVER (in 2004), I lost 4 lbs ! So, now to have a loss of “only” 3.6 lbs in 5 FREAKIN' WEEKS is a little discouraging…but I will try not to think about that, and think about the goals which I accomplished this week, and there are definitely some to talk about! FINALLY!

So…last week’s WW meeting was about “voting for yourself”…so, choosing something to do only for yourself and actually DOING IT!
So..I voted for myself to do 2 things:

- Earn 3 Activity Points for the week (this seems “little”, but for somebody who hasn’t ‘moved’ in a while – this is HUGE!)
- Go to a yoga class!

I am happy to say that YESTERDAY (the last day of my week), I accomplished both! I went to a “Yoga Fever” class at my gym (doing yoga in a very hot/heated room and sweating like crazy!). That class alone would earn you anywhere from 3-4 AP’s. And also while waiting for the class to start, I had 15 minutes, which I spent on the gym bike!! Earned 1 AP right there also!
AND, for 5 straight days, I’ve been taking stairs instead of elevator, to go to a 3rd floor of the building (and down whenever I needed to) I work in! As my leader Jacqui would say: “That is exactly why you had such a wonderful loss of 2lbs this week!”…so I am a little proud..and happy!

I am very determined to kick this weight to the curb…which brings me to another tale…


Yesterday was a little weird day for me (to say the least)…I was very determined to go to the gym straight from work, which I did. However, when I got there and waited for my yoga class, sitting on the gym bike and biking for 15 minutes – there were mirrors “there”…and I could see myself and my body in full “spandex glory”…I will not lie – I was SHOCKED! Shocked of how fat I look…but more shocked that I have allowed myself to come to “this”, and to even THINK that “I don’t look that bad really….”…I couldn’t shake that shock and that picture of my 2,3-fold belly and huge thighs! :( Disappointment and sadness was all over my face! Even while doing Yoga later, and seeing myself doing all the poses as they should be done and feeling “comfortable” in that body, I was still disgusted….the feeling was so strong, that I didn’t really enjoy and give myself to relaxation that Yoga is supposed to bring…and as soon as it was done and I was exiting the gym, I started feeling physically SICK! I don’t know if it was because I was doing some activity after some time, or if my sugars crashed (they shouldn’t have…I ate…), or the change in temperature (from going from a hot room to cold outside), I just felt plain sick and very shaky! With me, it escalated to anxiety and panic very quickly, and by the time I got home, I was “done”! Anxiety started to subside as soon as I got home, but the shaky feeling continued and it transferred to my whole night being shot as far as my mood went! I was very grumpy, barking at kids and my husband….The little voice in my head said: “you are behaving like a real b*tch”..but I still did it anyways…I went and took a shower, came back..still felt the same….gone to bed..watched “Ugly Betty” and “Grey’s Anatomy”…still felt the same...Anxiety, at this point, was coming in waves…But I don’t know if I can certainly call it anxiety, I just felt like I was completely LOSING IT! Not like I was “dying” (which panic usually feels like), but more like: “I am having a nervous breakdown, and I am going to lose it and they will have to put me in a mental institution”….
Isn’t that awful?
I started to cry out of sheer frustration….I so desperately wanted for somebody to understand, not that I have shared this with anybody really….but this feeling of how I am just somebody who I don’t know at this point, and I know that I don’t like….It’s driving me NUTS! And this is the first time that I am going to write/say this, but both, my husband, and my kids are suffering because of it! :(
The most stable place that I feel in is currently my work – this is where I get things done, and so far I think I am doing it well…..everywhere else, as soon as I step out – I am so uncomfortable, and so unsure of myself…I am questioning everything about myself – who I am..what I want…if I am a good person, or “bad”…I can only see bad qualities in me…the side of me I hate…and my whole demeanor changes as soon as I am faced with duties of a mother…and a wife….I am drowning in hatred toward myself and how I present myself in those roles, and I don’t know how to fix it?! The thing that drives me crazy is that I am aware of it, and still doing it….isn’t that awful???

Don’t know what to tell you….Wish I ended it with a “happy” note, since I had such a good WI today…but I am not sure if WI and all that is “enough” right now….I need more! I definitely need more…

Found this recipe last night before going for a weekly grocery shopping! I also made the recipe last night (double amount) and am taking it for my launches this week!!!
IT'S DELISH!


Black Bean Couscous Salad



Makes 4 servings

This salad is very portable and is great for lunch. It is also a good source of whole grains and beans, a healthy alternative to meat.

Ingredients

¾ cup (175 mL) sodium reduced chicken stock or water
¾ cup (175 mL) whole-wheat couscous
½ cup (125 mL) no added salt canned corn or thawed frozen corn
½ cup (125 mL) diced green pepper
½ cup (125 mL) cherry tomatoes, cut in 4
1 cup (250 mL) canned black beans, drained and rinsed
¼ cup (50 mL) green onion, chopped
1 tbsp (15 mL) finely diced cilantro, packed
Juice of 1 lime
1 tbsp (15 mL) olive oil
1 tsp (5 mL) cumin
½ tsp (2 mL) black pepper
Directions

In a small pot, bring the chicken stock or water to a boil. Turn off the heat and add the couscous. Let it sit for 5 minutes and then fluff with a fork and transfer it to a large bowl.
Add the rest of the ingredients and toss.
Chill for 1 hour and up to 2 days.


Nutritional information per serving
(1 cup/250 mL)

Calories: 256
Protein: 10 g
Total fat: 4 g
Saturated fat: 1 g
Dietary cholesterol: 0 mg
Carbohydrate: 47 g
Dietary fibre: 9 g
Sodium: 209 mg
Potassium: 451 mg

4 POINTS PER 1 CUP! :)

I hate this roller coaster ride..It’s not like I was surprised; but I was still disappointed when I saw it…half of my weight loss to date cut! It sucks…but it does kind of kick my butt into “let’s get it on” mode for next week!
*sigh* Why does this have to be such a slow and agonizing process???

This week I also got a box of those “WW Peanut Butter Mini Bars”..mmmmmmm…so delish for 1pt! I also got their 2pt. pretzel packs. We’ll see what they are like later in the week!
I am keeping all these snacks here at work, for when the “2:00p.m. munchies” strike!
So..let’s get it on for Week #5!!!!

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On the “anxiety and dizziness” front…you won’t believe it…Last night it was time to take my antibiotic (which I got for my strep throat last week)…I’ve been taking it for 8 days now – and had 2 more days of 3 pills per day…So anyways….I am all dizzy again, and it’s time for another doze, and I am thinking: ‘what if I don’t take this one?..could it be….???”…
So, I don’t take the pill I was supposed to take last night…and I wake up and don’t take the pill I was supposed to take in the morning….and GUESS WHAT!!! I AM NOT DIZZY, NOR ANXIOUS, NOR ANYTHING!!!!
Could it be???? Antibiotics??? REALLY? I mean, I knew there were all kinds of antibiotics out there with all the “routine” side-effects, but I’ve never had any before! I was always doing great with antibiotics..especially pure penicillin, which I got this time too!...But there you go….dizziness, GONE…and so my anxiety about it all and insecurities..GONE! I am feeling so good today, it’s not even funny! Just when I imagine what I went through for a whole week thinking that I was going through “SSRI discontinuation syndrome”, and that my panic attacks were coming back because I got off the meds….MAN! The timing of everything is just freaky!

Anyways…I am just glad it’s “over”.

As I said..LET’S GET IT OOOOON!

Feeling very embarrassed and foolish the past couple of days. Yes, I am still dizzy and feeling very “blah” as the day progresses, but I am hanging on and plowing through whatever anxiety, panic, or confusion I am feeling…however, I am dealing with all of it mostly through EATING! And here my friends is where we get to the bottom of all of my problems! I have been literally FEEDING my anxiety, for it to not escalate to anything more…Just as if you would feed and stuff the hungry lion, so you can then enter his cage and do whatever you have to do with him, so he doesn’t eat *you*! To me, this has not been a secret…but this week it has literally SLAPPED me in the face, as in the past 2 days I have been STUFFING my face with little things here and there. “Why, oh WHY!”, I would ask myself whilst chewing some crap I’ve given in to, and the answers come as clear as day:

“You’ve never had a panic attack on a full stomach!”


How enlightening…

Bah...

Anyways, it is true - the more you go “off plan”, you feel like you already messed up enough, and now you give yourself even more freedom to stuff your face, since you’re writing off this week anyways….Darn it…the worst is, I know how it goes..yet I still do it! I have even contemplated NOT going to the WW meeting tomorrow, and not weighing in, because I KNOW I have gained….My little loss of “3.2 lbs” over 2 weeks will crumble to even smaller numbers, as I weigh in tomorrow and admit my “out of control” behavior….I am DEFINITELY not proud. However, I will go. I have to. They say that this would be the time that you actually need the WW meeting the most! So, let’s see if what they say is true…

What a day yesterday! If I were to have written this post last night, I would have probably been a mess! But, let me start from the beginning…
So yesterday was my first day back at work after being off for a week, due to being sick, etc. Being that I am also going through a rollercoaster ride since completely going off my medication, I was still very dizzy and a “weak” feeling was over me whole day, with some ups and downs. The understanding between my husband and I was that he was going to pick up both kids from school and daycare, respectively, and I will go home and start dinner. By the time I got home I was very shaky and felt worse than the whole day….I changed into my pajamas and started heating up a soup we made and also frying up some sausages…I couldn’t wait to finish and sit down. In the midst of me standing over the oven and cooking, the phone rings at 5:10 p.m. – it’s my dear husband. He informs me that he has just locked his keys in his office, so he can’t leave, and could I please RUSH OUT and pick up both kids, because it’s already 5:10 and school/daycare close at 6:00 p.m.! I don’t think I comprehended the full message until I hung up with him and realized what I need to do now! The panic starts creeping in me…insecurity of how well I am feeling to rush out now and pick up 2 kids from school….It’s dark out now, cars are literally crawling on the main street due to rush hour….and I am starting to shake from panic! I will not go through all the details of the next hour….but I have gone through a “little” hell and back while picking up the kids and coming back home! It is enough to tell you that my hands were starting to deform and clench from all the panic that struck me. But…as my husband would say, after I told him all this, I did it….I went…got the kids…came back….and lost about 10 years of my life in one hour!
After I have stepped into the house after all that, my eyes started swelling up with tears! “Oh, look at you now!!! Panic all gone, is it??? You damn fool!!! When are you going to start to believe yourself and trust yourself that YOU ARE GOING TO BE JUST FINE!”….(this was my inner dialogue with myself that has transpired).
Thousand and one thought went through my mind that night….What did that mean??? Am I NOT supposed to go off medication?? Are the panic attacks back? Is this what my life will be like again after a whole year??? Am I not DONE with this already??
I was feeling so helpless…so sad…so desperate to get the clear answer from someone….from somewhere….that I am doing the right thing! …that I am on the right track with all this!
I do NOT want to go back to medication! NO! Meds in the case of anxiety are only masking the symptoms, they are not HEALING, and are certainly not hitting the source! I have to do this on my own – with my own mind!
….
Today I am feeling better…New day always brings another perspective into things. I am now thinking that last night wasn’t really THAT bad…I’ve had worse! It doesn’t mean anything, for sure, to tell me that I am going in the wrong direction with all this. On top of it all – this morning I have also gotten my period, so we all know that we are all susceptible to “incoherent” behavior during PMS..right? Yes, I am dizzy again this morning, but going on as if I am not even noticing it. It’s going to go away! It has to….
Tonight I also have to do the presentation of my project for the class I am taking at the local college, so one more thing I just have to go through today! There is no TIME to think about stupid things, such as anxiety, panic, going off of meds, etc…..Life goes on! It doesn’t wait…

Through it all (and being that I have been going through PMS all week), I have had a huge desire to stuff my face with any food at all. Last night was absolutely the worst time, since I started WW, that I have felt this way! I’ve been literally standing over the Halloween candy last night and CLAWING at the kitchen counter, so as not to reach for ANY chocolate. Going back and forth multiple times to take it…then coming back….then I finally had that little conversation with myself that they are teaching us about in WW meetings: “Why do you want that chocolate? Are you hungry? What are you REALLY “hungry” for? Peace? Calm?...is that chocolate going to help? Are you going to feel better?”….Then I finally started to trust myself when that little voice said: “nope…you’re not going to feel better, TRUST ME! You will open that little two-bite chocolate and gulf it down in literally a SECOND. You’re not even going to feel any satisfaction of having that chocolate in your mouth! You’re not even going to taste it! The “pleasure” will be over in 2 seconds, and you’re just going to be left feeling “hungry” again, with addition of feeling guilty for caving in….Trust me…you don’t want this crap!”…..so I did…I trusted….and I didn’t take it…
But boy, was it hard!



In the end, after the whole day, I was left with a little pride in myself again…another day over….here we go again! New day, new chance to make it all even better!

I feel as though I am floating...somewhere in between stable ground and vast skies...This feeling is not comfortable or enjoyable, since this is how I can describe the "SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome" ride that I have been on since 10 days ago, when I completely stopped taking my anti-depressants. I feel as though I am starting to sound crazy to people when trying to explain to them that I am ready to go off of them. They don't trust me - especially now when they see me so "spaced out" and going through vast majority of withdrawal symptoms all the books write about. But no! I am determined to continue on! Post-partum cannot be called post-partum anymore! My son is 2! As these pounds that I've gained during second pregnancy are not "pregnancy weight" any more - so is my anxiety not "post-partum" any more, and I am ready...I am SOOOOO ready!
I will probably sound a little "masochist" now, but even though I have felt horrible with all the dizziness and nausea and lightheadedness, feeling of being spaced out and as though my brain is shutting off and rebooting every so often - I have felt FREEDOM at the same time! Freedom that I haven't felt for a long time! I am finally in control of all of my moods and feelings and actions...I am taking control!

Weird...based on how I've been feeling for the past week, I thought this post would be extremely negative and sad...but with every letter I type, I feel stronger! More determined! :)

As I've said...weird... :)

WW? Meh...I have dipped pretty deep into my allowance points already (since starting my new week on Friday), so I am not very proud of that, but I think I've had a nice little "non-scale-victory" today! We decided to order Swiss Chalet for dinner tonight, and instead of ordering my fave quarter chicken dinner (dark meat) with FRIES, I actually ordered chicken breast with rotisserie vegetables and garden salad on the side!!! Not only that! When the order came and all the other members of my family opened their fries filled portions, I didn't take ANY from them to "sneak a taste"! I was amazed at my self! Soooo proud! I think I am finally reaching that place in myself when I recognize the choices that I need to make in order to make this happen!! In order to find myself again underneath all this "fat"...

I hope tomorrow brings a little more of stable ground, rather than vast skies...