Finding The Goddess In Me

The boss sent us home today at noon because of yet another snow storm in the area...
So, here's what I've done with my time:

Shortbread Cookies with Toblerone Tops



The Cathedral Windows



Hope the kids enjoy it!!!! :)

It's December 22nd, and only a couple of more days until Christmas! I cannot face another mall or ANY store for that matter any more! I am DONE as far as shopping is concerned..well, minus the groceries part - which I still have to get for my planned Family Christmas Dinner at my place with my parents and my brother...I can't wait :)...
I am not going to ruin this post by my negative feelings, or how I have had some hard time during the past few days...it's enough to know that I am holding VERY high hopes for 2009, where I hope to trully find that Goddess, and not just get some glimpses here and there....
I can't help but chuckle as I remember the Seinfeld episode where George proudly announced that that summer was going to be "Summer of George" LOL....because that is what I keep telling myself in my head - 2009 is going to be "The Year of Mirela"...I am sure many of us are telling that to ourselves, how next year is going to be "our" year...but I am actually believing it this time - that things are REALLY going to be different for some reason...if not for anything else, but for a fact that I just can't go on like this! Anxiety, negativity, stress, helplessness, etc. all have to go - because that is no way to live these days...and I am alreayd feeling the effect of all of it on my health! I have to do something, and it has to be fast!!!
...

So, here is to a New Year of 2009...a new chapter in all of our lives, and a new opportunity to live healthier, happier, all-around-better lives!!!

Peace to all...

So..last week lost 1.2 lbs..meh. No, don’t think I am not happy about it – but I know that I have not done anything to really lose it, so I am not feeling as excited as I would if I knew I “deserved it”, kind of thing.. Motivation has been dwindling and I’ve been struggling with the whole thing yet again – but as always, I am not giving up. This week is another week of more exercise and doing the “couch25k” program. We’ll see what the scale says on Friday.
It’s not helping that I am baking all kinds of Christmas treats this week and I can’t help but sample some, even though I am giving them all away! Lol
All in all – not doing too bad this week – but as I said, we’ll see!

The new plan “Momentum” has been revealed at WW and I am excited that there are no more 2 plans, and that they have taken the best out of both worlds – I have always thought that that would be a GREAT thing! So, I am happy! However, I am losing focus off journaling, so I really need to get back to that!

It’s funny, but my hubby has JUST gotten it! He has finally realized how unhappy I am about my weight, and only NOW does he actually want to be a part of my “support” system and cheer me on! He’s actually all into “planning it out for me” – so we’ll see how long he keeps that up! LOL I am not optimistic that it’ll hold him for long…but I can be wrong!?!

Hello there…
I have not posted for a while, because to tell you the truth, there’s nothing to post about! I don’t feel like writing when I feel “blue”, even though I may need it the most at those times – but since this is a public forum really – I am disgusted to “make” anybody read negative things…but, here I am today, trying to “explain” it all – but not really…I just wanted to update my blog, because I am tired of looking at that piggy stuffing its face!
Anyways – what’s new? Nothing really…my last WI was a disaster again, as I gained another 1.6 lbs…although in my mind that was “stayed-the-same” because I missed the WI before that, where I already gained that weight…so I am 0.2 lbs shy of my STARTING weight of 210.6 lbs…which disgusts me :( Granted I was sick most of those weeks, and my body was just trying to cooperate with keeping up with my weight loss attempts at eating better food, drinking more water, less calories, etc….and then also being sick at the same time and trying to hold on to whatever it could…Yeah, yeah..blah, blah..I understand it all, but I still believe I could have done better. Could have tried harder….
It’s not even about the scale anymore, I am just so sad when I look at the mirror now…I have LITERALLY been crying for the past 2 days whenever I would come home from work and look at myself in the mirror…I am constantly surprised at how big I’ve gotten…at how big I look on the outside, because on the inside I don’t feel that way, darn it! My mind cannot connect with this physical apparition of myself. I have started to hate my clothes, to hate my CLOSET, hate getting up, hate being intimate, hate walking around like that..just HATE everything! What drives me even more nuts is that you would think that this “hate” would now make me do better things and maybe even want to STARVE (not that I would ever do that) in order to not look like that any more…but I am just NOT doing what I need to be doing! Would ANYBODY explain to me why that is??? How in the world can you want something so much, but do everything NOT to get what you want???? I have tried so many times to explain that to myself…trying to dig deep, blah, blah…but I don’t think my logical mind can comprehend such an absurdity! Who would???

Of course, it hasn't helped when my ex boyfriend contacted me after a very long time, couple of days ago, and has seen some pictures of me and said: "When were these pictures taken? Cause you look like a little fatty (and then he put in the smiley there). What have you been doing these years? Eating everything in sight? (insert "lol lol" here)"..and then he brilliantly added, when I was silent in disbelief: "just joking...you know you'll always be beautiful to me"...yeah right buddy, ef-off!

Anyways…that’s where I am at…
I have not given up…every day I start my day eating right, and taking my portioned lunches, and counting and counting…but I get hungry…I start craving…sometimes I can succeed in not succumbing to those, but sometimes I do…and of course I feel guilty and disgusted, and I cry again because “it’s not fair”…but it’s ridiculous really!
I keep watching those shows like “Biggest Loser” and “X-Weighted” and what-not…and they’re even making me more frustrated, because why wouldn’t “I” do those things! Why can’t I be successful ONCE in my life at this!?! At least KEEP AT IT for longer than a week!
I just don’t get it…not even a bit…

Wow…Time sure does fly!
I was not able to write anymore last week since I’ve been sick! This was not “any” sickness my friends…this was something which I have not experienced in a loooong long time! I was coughing for 10 days STRAIGHT! And even though I got antibiotics and an inhaler at the end, I didn’t stop until Saturday really. Even today, I am still coughing a bit here and there…but oh man! I thought my chest would explode at one point….Not to mention the low-grade fever, which was CONSTANT for 5 days! I have no idea what I would call that..It’s not a “common cold” as that was way worse than any cold I have ever experienced…but I am not sure if it was a flu either….I am thinking “mild pneumonia” would describe it the best..so I’ll stick with that!
Due to this “sickness”, I didn’t attend my WW meeting on Friday, and therefore did not weigh in….I am not sorry for that, as I would have probably gained again! Well..I have still gained…but I have an opportunity for it to not go in my WW record …isn’t that pathetic? As if I am losing this weight for anybody else but myself! Another thing that should change in my mind…
You would think that because I was sick I wouldn’t have an appetite! LOL…But seriously…I have never been more “starved” in my life! I could have eaten a MOUNTAIN if I had it! Have no idea what’s up with that, but no excuses really…The worst thing is, is that I started feeling the motivation dwindle away, and I had no care in the world to get it back! As if my body was hurrying to get back to its original weight as quickly as possible, so it can be comfortable again! I have really tried to think of “WHY” that is, but I can’t find a logical explanation in my head for it. Maybe because the answer is not logical at all??? We all want to look great and self-confident, so I am not sure why my mind would go against such a beautiful perspective and goal!?! I don’t think I even want to go there….
The point is..I got “back” on track…and I *AM* getting sick of all the “failures” in my trek on losing this weight. I am thinking of eliminating all refined sugars for at least a week to see if that will speed things up a bit? Not sure…not sure how I’ll do it either, as I seem to depend on low-point cr@p, like WW peanut butter bars…I mean REALLY! And I know it’s 1 pt. only for a piece….but my body just doesn’t deal well with stuff like that…so I am thinking maybe “core plan” would be more suitable for a body like mine…but not sure if I want to do that to myself either…
Let’s see how “no refined sugars” plan will go…

Oh..almost forgot…I have decided to also start the “Couch to 5K” running program. It’s basically a plan to get you moving from being a “couch potato” to jogging 5 Km in 9 weeks! It’s a 9-week program, where you work on interval trainings (walking and jogging) on a treadmill, increasing your endurance and effort every week. You can check out the whole program and what the deal is at:

http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml



So, this week (my 1st week) I am to do the following:

“Brisk five-minute warm-up walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.”

Well, my friends, believe it or not, I have done this for the first time yesterday, and I have actually completed the 30 minute mini-workout on the treadmill very successfully! I thought I could probably NOT do well with jogging even for 60 seconds so many times, since I just wasn’t (I still don’t believe I am) the “running type”…but it actually wasn’t that hard?!? Go figure! I have actually underestimated myself in what I am capable of! Since I have done this yesterday, and since they recommend taking a day off in between, I will repeat this workout on Tuesday, and then on Thursday…before I move on to a Week 2 program! I am also seeing PT today again…and on Wednesday, so I will be in full workout mode for 5 days straight!...Let’s see how I deal with that!

Till next time…xoxo