Finding The Goddess In Me

Days are going by so fast, that it constantly amazes me when I look at the date on the calendar and see that a year has gone by since I started this blog…Yet, I am in such a different place right now! So much has happened…so many thoughts had run through my head..emotions expressed and ‘secrets’ revealed…And I conclude that at this time, I am content!
Based on my previous post, you would maybe wonder how that is possible, but don’t we all expect “ups” and “downs” in our life all the time? Yes, I have been dealing with a lot of stuff lately, stuff that has made me question my sanity and ability to go through a lot of things ….However, I can’t help but feel victorious in a way. I have accomplished some HUGE things that I set out to do in the last year!

• I have gotten a new job – and not just “any” new job – but the exact job that I WANTED! I have switched my career from being a Mechanical Engineer, to a career in Project Management! I am slowly climbing my way to exactly where I want to be…
• I have gotten OFF medication, and even though that has been a roller coaster ride with my emotions and physical being, I have done it, and I feel really good about that achievement!
• And even though I have started many, many times, I have finally been consistent on the path to losing this extra weight I have piled on over the years and in my last pregnancy – and that has to be good for something! :)

Since the last time I wrote, I have felt nothing but peace with myself. No… “problems” and challenges have not suddenly disappeared, but they really never will – as I have recently realized, it is not situations that ever change, it is how we behave towards those situations and take them on, that determines if we are happy or not…if we are content or not…And ever since the last time I dumped my frustrations and fears on this blog, I have slowly taken that turn for the better. Just writing the “insanity” down, has opened my eyes and helped me realize that only *I* can make that happen. Yes, having a therapist can always help, but as my first ever therapist (a lady I’ve dealt with just after my second pregnancy when I first started feeling anxious) told me – “I do not hold all the answers for you, nor will I tell you ever what to do….I am just here to be your sounding board, so you can actually HEAR yourself through me…”….So, instead of paying some crazy money to get my sounding board, I have decided that I really do have the ability to realize how and what needs to change….if I ever get to the point where I find myself struggling, I will definitely ask for help (I am not the one to run from obvious and logic). Friends can also help greatly in this situation – serve as our sounding boards…but, as with everything, you need a friend that you can trust, and I don’t mean trust in a sense that they won’t run off with that information and blabber it to someone else…but trust in a sense where you feel comfortable enough to open up – to trust your sanity with that other person, that they can intelligently provide you with feedback and give you that picture of yourself that you are drawing! That is not easy to find…but I think I have been blessed in many ways, and that is one of them….I have a whole network of ladies that are my sounding board and my support…as well as a few people around me that I trust in this way also.

To finalize, I had a little chat with my husband also :) We’ve talked about how we both lose tempers very often lately, and 90% of our interaction becomes frustration and literally “yelling” around the house at different things that need to be done, or about things that are lost, kids, etc…thankfully, no denials here….So, we decided that we will have a “code” word for when one of us starts “losing it”, to “yell” it out and so alert the other one that it’s time to “chill” and maybe change the approach! My brilliant husband decides that we should use the word “orange” LOL for the code word….Don’t know why – he was talking about “amber alerts” and stuff…not sure how this is really “orange” – but we both liked the sound of it…:)
Let me tell you – I have never heard the word “orange” MORE in my life than over the last weekend! LOL But amazingly enough, IT WORKED!!!! Not only have we corrected our manners every time that one would yell out “orange” when another starts “yelling”, but we would also start laughing, as that word is just cracking us up, no matter what mood we were in at that particular moment!

Haha….jokes on the side though….I feel such an unbelievable difference from being off the medication…I don’t know if it’s just me “wanting” it to be different (cause mind can do amazing things like that), but I feel free! It’s as though I have been carrying over a mask and bandaid to cover every emotion that I have been feeling! When I told you last time that I cried, it was SUCH AN AMAZING FEELING! Because I had realized then that I haven’t been “able” to cry for sooooooo long!!!! There were many times when “old me” would have cried…but I just didn’t….I was secretly terrified that I had “hardened” into this “robot” that cannot express any emotions….but I hadn’t! It was just the medication masking and not letting me feel anything! Yeah..it didn’t let me feel anxiety…but the meds can’t chose that particular emotion…they didn’t let me feel ANYTHING!....And so now, I feel free….Free to laugh AND cry when I want to….I was worried that I was losing myself and didn’t know anymore who I was…wondering if I’ll ever know again…..and I think I am starting to get glimpses of my old self…of what once was….and so I am always getting back to this analogy of “finding the goddess in me”…but boy is it nice to get those peeks and “see”….