Finding The Goddess In Me

What a day yesterday! If I were to have written this post last night, I would have probably been a mess! But, let me start from the beginning…
So yesterday was my first day back at work after being off for a week, due to being sick, etc. Being that I am also going through a rollercoaster ride since completely going off my medication, I was still very dizzy and a “weak” feeling was over me whole day, with some ups and downs. The understanding between my husband and I was that he was going to pick up both kids from school and daycare, respectively, and I will go home and start dinner. By the time I got home I was very shaky and felt worse than the whole day….I changed into my pajamas and started heating up a soup we made and also frying up some sausages…I couldn’t wait to finish and sit down. In the midst of me standing over the oven and cooking, the phone rings at 5:10 p.m. – it’s my dear husband. He informs me that he has just locked his keys in his office, so he can’t leave, and could I please RUSH OUT and pick up both kids, because it’s already 5:10 and school/daycare close at 6:00 p.m.! I don’t think I comprehended the full message until I hung up with him and realized what I need to do now! The panic starts creeping in me…insecurity of how well I am feeling to rush out now and pick up 2 kids from school….It’s dark out now, cars are literally crawling on the main street due to rush hour….and I am starting to shake from panic! I will not go through all the details of the next hour….but I have gone through a “little” hell and back while picking up the kids and coming back home! It is enough to tell you that my hands were starting to deform and clench from all the panic that struck me. But…as my husband would say, after I told him all this, I did it….I went…got the kids…came back….and lost about 10 years of my life in one hour!
After I have stepped into the house after all that, my eyes started swelling up with tears! “Oh, look at you now!!! Panic all gone, is it??? You damn fool!!! When are you going to start to believe yourself and trust yourself that YOU ARE GOING TO BE JUST FINE!”….(this was my inner dialogue with myself that has transpired).
Thousand and one thought went through my mind that night….What did that mean??? Am I NOT supposed to go off medication?? Are the panic attacks back? Is this what my life will be like again after a whole year??? Am I not DONE with this already??
I was feeling so helpless…so sad…so desperate to get the clear answer from someone….from somewhere….that I am doing the right thing! …that I am on the right track with all this!
I do NOT want to go back to medication! NO! Meds in the case of anxiety are only masking the symptoms, they are not HEALING, and are certainly not hitting the source! I have to do this on my own – with my own mind!
….
Today I am feeling better…New day always brings another perspective into things. I am now thinking that last night wasn’t really THAT bad…I’ve had worse! It doesn’t mean anything, for sure, to tell me that I am going in the wrong direction with all this. On top of it all – this morning I have also gotten my period, so we all know that we are all susceptible to “incoherent” behavior during PMS..right? Yes, I am dizzy again this morning, but going on as if I am not even noticing it. It’s going to go away! It has to….
Tonight I also have to do the presentation of my project for the class I am taking at the local college, so one more thing I just have to go through today! There is no TIME to think about stupid things, such as anxiety, panic, going off of meds, etc…..Life goes on! It doesn’t wait…

Through it all (and being that I have been going through PMS all week), I have had a huge desire to stuff my face with any food at all. Last night was absolutely the worst time, since I started WW, that I have felt this way! I’ve been literally standing over the Halloween candy last night and CLAWING at the kitchen counter, so as not to reach for ANY chocolate. Going back and forth multiple times to take it…then coming back….then I finally had that little conversation with myself that they are teaching us about in WW meetings: “Why do you want that chocolate? Are you hungry? What are you REALLY “hungry” for? Peace? Calm?...is that chocolate going to help? Are you going to feel better?”….Then I finally started to trust myself when that little voice said: “nope…you’re not going to feel better, TRUST ME! You will open that little two-bite chocolate and gulf it down in literally a SECOND. You’re not even going to feel any satisfaction of having that chocolate in your mouth! You’re not even going to taste it! The “pleasure” will be over in 2 seconds, and you’re just going to be left feeling “hungry” again, with addition of feeling guilty for caving in….Trust me…you don’t want this crap!”…..so I did…I trusted….and I didn’t take it…
But boy, was it hard!



In the end, after the whole day, I was left with a little pride in myself again…another day over….here we go again! New day, new chance to make it all even better!