Finding The Goddess In Me

Oh, I am sooo happy! :)
Finally a loss! But hey, I expected that! I was sooo good this week! Really!
Although, this morning when I weighed in, I was down 5 lbs on MY scale..but yeah, I weighed in just wearing my bra and panties...
I think I finally understand the craziness people go through when somebody else will weigh them! I actually took my jeans that I wanted to wear today and WEIGHED them! Do you know how much a pair of jeans weighs???? Anywhere between 2-3 lbs!!!!! MY DOD!!! Needless to say, I wore a "light" pair of grey work pants..man!..

I am leaving with the quote that slapped me in the face this week quite hard, and which our WW leader showed on the board today:

"If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution."

shocking..isn't it?...hmmmmm....

It’s been a while..but a lot has happened!
Truthfully, I can’t even begin to remember what happened in the past month, but the main “change” in my life is that I have finally FULLY committed to following the Weight Watchers program. Mainly, I have joined “WW at Work” program, where every Friday, a bunch of people (all women, btw) from my company are getting together in one of our meeting rooms and with the Weight Watchers leader and having a regular WW meeting, complete with a weigh in! I have welcomed this “change” in my life, because I think that I so desperately need that accountability toward somebody! I mean – somebody else weighing you – if that will not do it, what will???
So..I have had my first meeting 2 weeks ago when I have had a first WI (weigh in), and 210.6 lbs started back at me from the scale…..
I was *NOT* impressed…But I was not surprised either. I am weighing myself almost daily for the past 2 years, so I KNOW where I am at…but just “sharing” that number with somebody else makes you want to throw up…Here I was, admitting it to the world my exact number from the scale…AND fully dressed, might I add?! Blasphemy! LOL
Anyways…the first WI after that I weighed in with the same number! I was so happy, because that was the week of the long weekend and Canadian Thanksgiving, so I was VERY thankful that I have not gained! This week however, I am in the “GAME ON!”mode, and so far, so good! I am trying not to peak at my scale on the home, so I am not getting discouraged if I am not seeing a loss right away…but I know that I have changed so many things in my diet. I *KNOW* how excruciating it was to pass up all the goodies showing up here at work at all times in order to be “on points” and faithful to the program…so I better SEE the darn loss this Friday…I will report of the results, of course!

In other news? Tomorrow marks the day when I will take my last ¼ of my medication, which will begin my last round of “getting of the meds” process – taking ¼ of the pill every other day….
I am so proud of myself on how I have handled this process! I have basically taken my own approach to this and have gone off these pills even slower than my doctor has suggested, in hopes of lowering any withdrawal side effects one might have. And I have DONE IT! I have not had *ANY* side effects since starting this withdrawal process in August (I can’t even believe I have stuck to this so long…). It’s been slow..but the end is coming! Thoughts were showing up of “how will I take it?”..and “will I get panic attacks again??”…but I am so pleased to report, that I have never felt better! Somehow everything I’ve read about anxiety and panic attacks in the past 2 years has crystallized in my mind, and I have finally taken that “mind over mood” approach and am gaining more and more confidence in myself that it is I who is in control of myself and my moods and emotions, and hence anxiety and panic, which used to grip me.

So..here I am…finding myself once more…in good, in bad…no turning back!

So, I am a bit verklempt about this whole "withdrawing from the meds" process. I expected much worse, actually, the whole opposite!...again, I am afraid to jinx the whole thing, but honestly, I am so giddy, and happy...and excited about life, it's almost NUTS!???? All of a sudden I am dressing up, putting on makeup everyday, made an appt. to get a little haircut and colour, thinking of having a manicure...following fashion and embracing it! It's like I have lived in this "lulled" state for a year, and now I have suddenly woken up! Everything looks different all of a sudden! The life is soooo beautiful! (even though nothing special is happening!) I don't know if it's being on half a pill now, or books I am reading and kind of taking to heart on practicing what they preach (being positive and working on a lot of positive visualisation)....but it's just all phenomenal!
Anyways...GOOD! That's all I gotta say about that!

Fall is proving to be such a crazy busy time for me! Tonight I start with my classes at a local college. This semester I am taking 2 courses, so that will take two of my week nights! Loooong days for sure! We'll see how I'll take that...but so far I have noticed that I do good when I am busy and distracted by activities!
I am not going to lie to you - walking in the early morning has only happened 3 times by now, mostly because I do not seem to function by the late afternoon when I get up at 6:00 a.m.! I am fine in the morning, but once we get to about 2:00 p.m., I am DEAD~! So...I am trying to be as active as I can be otherwise, but soon I will have to resort to either going to the gym again, or walking at a different time! We'll see....
Eating has been much better and I seem to lose steady every week...Nothing big, but a loss is a loss! Past few days I have given myself more freedom than usual, but the biggest thing for me is that I am just not that hungry any more!! (another side-effect of withdrawing from the meds??? I'LL TAKE IT!!)...

All in all...doing very good...Almost too good for my taste! LOL...at least for now...

Looking and feeling fab today:

For some reason I feel just FABULOUS today! I have no idea why, or how? Yesterday was such a "blah" day for me, since I went to bed with a headache the day before, and then woke up yesterday morning with that same headache...it was very weird, so I stayed and worked from home whole day. Thankfully, I can do that! I was very tired..took a nap...woke up feeling even worse...I am thinking it could be because of the fact that I am withdrawing from the meds, but not sure...
Anyways! Last night was the first night that I took 1/2 the pill, and so far, so good! I was freaking out a bit last night with anticipatory anxiety - expecting "what will happen now that I have taken only half a pill!"..Had hard time falling asleep...but then I woke up, and the whole morning at work has just been great! What's even more weird is that whole day I am just not HUNGRY! It's amazing!!! I can't remember when was the last time I felt like this..but I am just like "whatever" about food today! I even went out with a colleague out for lunch - just through drive through at Harvey's, and here I was thinking I was going to have hard time not ordering junk...but I was so "matter-of-fact" and ordered myself a veggie burger with a salad and bottle of water! I was SO PROUD of myself! Later on I didn't even really enjoy my veggie burger as I usually savour every bite of delish "junk", I just ate and stabbed at my salad a few times...and threw away the rest! OMG! Me throwing away food??? BLASPHEMY!!! *gasp*
But yeah...amazing! If this is another "side effect" of withdrawing from the meds - I am LOVING IT! :)
So, today is Friday...it's been raining all day, but surprisingly not affecting my mood! The weekend promises to be more of the same! My parents are coming to town, so it's going to be some family time...I like that...Kids love it, so that makes me happy!

Have a great weekend everybody!...

Got this award today..


Thank you, Tracy!!!! *mwaaah* I still remember the EXACT moment when you called me when I first posted about anxiety and panic attacks on the boards...I remember every little detail - where I was sitting..how I felt...how Filip was just a tiny baby sleeping in the crib at the time...I will never forget it!You deserve it right back!..and thank you once again!

HI!!!!
Sorry for not writing sooner! I am ashamed...
After I left for my vacation, and then after I came back..I just didn't know what to write and where to begin, even though I had so much on my mind..And then because I am slightly "senile" and can't remember things lately, I just put off writing because I couldn't remember what I wanted to say, and so the days went on by and by...and here we are...a month later??? Don't even know..but I have finally decided enough is enough, and I am getting back to it! So, HERE I AM! :)

What's new???
Hmmmm....let's see - vacation was FABULOUS! I love the beach so much! I love being on the beach, laying on the beach, walking on the beach, smell of the beach, EVERYTHING ABOUT THE BEACH (you get the picture!). I was in a bikini every day, which I am sure is not a pretty sight, but it sure made me feel free! I really didn't care about my body and only conencentrated on having fun with the kids! It was well worth it, because I truly got a rest! From everything! From my mind, work, weight, everything!

In other big news though, at some point since my last post, I have decided to get off my medication! Yep...the meds that I have been on for anxiety, for a year now..I have decided that enough is enough, and that medication, while it really did do its purpose, will not get me anywhere! I also suspect it to be a really BIG reason why I am not losing more weight than I should when I watch what I eat and exercise so much! SO, on August 21st I have started taking 3/4 of a pill! I figured the slower approach I take to going off the pills, the better I will take it, and less chance of withdrawal symptoms to occur! So..3 weeks of taking 3/4, then 3 weeks of 1/2 a pill, 3 weeks of 1/4 of a pill...and then finally MEDICATION FREE!..Although I am thinking I should maybe incorporate 3 weeks of 1/4 every other day or something like that...we'll see!
SO FAR SO GOOD! This Thursday I should begin taking only 1/2...very excited about that!
In the meantime I am busy reading books that have suddenly come my way! Currently I am reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.



I am LOVING IT! I am also reading a book on Anxiety and Panic Attacks, which is in turn very practical and leaves me feeling like I've just had a good talk with some therapist. All in all - these two books go very well hand in hand, because they almost speak of the same thing...If we want to get rid of our anxiety and panic attacks, we have to reprogram our unconciouss mind which we usually don't have any control over, because we don't think about it! This uncouncious can only be influenced in the "alpha" state of the mind - which is that state when you are just about to fall asleep, or you are just waking up...that feeling of being not really "here" and not yet fully "there". This is where positive visualisation can do *wonders* for our mental health! "The Power of Now" talks almost of the same thing! Going into that state and realizing that we all live in the Now...life is ALWAYS happening Now, so we better enjoy it! Of course, it goes into much more detail than that and explains why that is important, as you may imagine...I mean, am I the only one who always lived in the past??? I am ALWAYS carrying with me some moments of the past, those lingering feelings and emotions that I am thinking "made me who I am today"....It is such a profound theory this book offers, that I can't wait to read more through it and see what else it says! If you want to know more about it, you can read about it here:
http://eckharttolle.com/the_power_of_now

Well...after all this phylosophical talk, you are probably also wondering if and what I am doing about my weight! Heh! :) Don't worry, I am still on it!! I almost feel like I don't want to talk about it, because I may jinx it! But the fact is..I am doing very well! Believe it or not, I have started waking up at 6:00 a.m. and actually WALKING outside for an hour! I even mapped the walk I take and figured I make 3.41 km in that walk alone! I even bought a pedometer to keep track of the steps I take daily, and trying to get on top of the "10,000 steps for the day" which they say is what we should all aim for! I have to admit, I only make the 10,000 steps when I go for that walk - so I better make it a habit! Last week I did that 2 times...this week I have already be out there 2 times, and today I will try to go after work to make up for it! I am also faithfully counting points again on WW online, AND, what's even more important, I am actually making my own lunches and trying to follow the whole food guide thing, where I actually get 5 servings of veggies or fruit each day, and so on....Last week alone I have lost 2 lbs...So, we'll see what this week says! I won't lie, this new found motivation didn't just occur like that...While I was under the impression that I already understood that I needed to lose weight, I never truly embraced it and follwed it whole-heartedly! This time I can feel it's different because I AM out there walking and trying to be active..I AM taking food literally in my own hands and making myself home made meals instead of buying convenient food which I think is healthy for me...This time it HURT when I realized that I was really in denial of how big I actually am! Yep, that's right....I am not just overweight, I am *OBESE*! The BMI says so, but not even that is important right now...it actually took a friend that I haven't seen for a while TELLING ME how fat I really got :(...No, don't feel sorry for me! This was not a friend who meant anything bad...This was a friend who was honest with me because I wanted him to be honest to me about it. He opened up to me to tell me what I look like to the outside world and pointed a couple of problem areas on my body which he's never seen before on me...I was dumb-struck if I can even call it that...I shouldn't have been so surprised, but I was...I wasn't even hurt..I was just sad...sad that I have let myself get to this point. No more excuses, man! I did this to myself, and I kept doing it to myself day in and day out! Even all these days when I wrote here about it, talking about all the exercising and everything, I still wasn't doing everything I needed to actually be successfull in losing weight! Sad thing is, I was only fooling myself...
So...in a way...this is a very new thing for me - starting REAL!...I know, I know..haven't I started like "3 times already" on this blog alone??? Well...I really don't care about that! The point is, I started...and I am proud of myself for once, because I KNOW I am doing it right this time!

I am trying hard not to say "watch me go", because that's what I said before...but Yes, I am holding high hopes for this journey...as I am living in the Now..let's see what "Now" will bring!

Well, the day has finally arrived!
We are *finally* going on vacation! This one has been long over due, since the last time we were on vacation was November 2005, when we went to Dominican!!! My husband and I are soooo ready for this one, it's ridiculous!
This time we are renting a cottage for a week in beautiful town of Bayfield on Huron Lake! I am praying for sunny and warm weather, since I plan to spend ALL OF MY DAYS at the beach and swimming as much as possible!

To all the people reading this blog, have a wonderful week, and I'll see you soon!

*mwaaaaaah*
xoxoxo