Finding The Goddess In Me

Heck - I spent the whole day with her! Yep, you guessed it! The Goddess in me! She was amazing and magnificent, and I was soooo happy to see her!
It happened yesterday - on my 31st birthday! That day I decided to take a vacation day off work, and schedule a half a day at a spa for me! All I can say is OH MY GOD! This was THE BEST thing I have EVER done for myself IN MY LIFE!
This place was just amazing! But given that I have never in my life enjoyed anything like that except an occasional manicure or pedicure, it was a day of many firsts!!! And what a day it was!
This is where I arrived:



Once led in, they took me to the changing room where I took all of my clothes off and put the robe I was given...let me tell you - it was like wearing a cloud! It was sooo soft and comfortable! They also provided slippers, and led me to a "waiting room" which means that you sit on a comfy couch with your feet in a little tub filled with warm water, whose surface is laden with rose petals! You are in heaven from a get-go! Once there I filled a form with my name, etc. During my wait they got my sea weed soak ready for toning, cleansing and detoxification! They led me to this room:



As you can see, in the corner of that room is a tub (by the fireplace) in which I sat for 25 minutes of BLISS! Water was THE PERFECT temperature..again, water surface laden with rose petals which caught on my body in such perfect places that I couldn't help but stare at the obvious beauty of my skin against such perfection of water, rose petals and candle light. At that moment it didn't matter that I was overweight...that my butt and hips were huge, or that my belly hang...it was just all PERFECT! That's when I saw her! The Goddess emerged in all its glory, and all I could do was just smile! The smile didn't leave my face for the whole day!
I closed my eyes and enjoyed the bliss...the perfection...the magnificence of the moments I was given.



After the soak I was led to another room and a bed where I was wrapped in a cocoon of most delicate creams and lotions. While my whole body was enveloped in such obvious "nirvana", one of the ladies massaged my face with silk, or that's what it felt like - the actual cream felt like SILK against my face! It all must have lasted for more than an hour, because after that and after my shower (which itself was again - perfection!), I was led for a 10 min. of sauna, after which my lunch - the most Delicious and fresh Mango Salad I ever tasted - awaited for me in this room:



Lightness of the lunch was perfect innuendo for what awaited next - my 90 minute full body massage by an RMT! OMG!!!! Yes, in 31 years of my life, I have never before that moment experienced another's hands on me in that way! Ok...no joke...this was seriously the first time I have ever had a massage, and it was all I expected and MORE! This woman was amazing! She applied just enough pressure for me to have all the benefit from the massage, but not to feel attacked on - as she said described it :)..It was a PERFECT end to a PERFECT day! In one second I literally fell asleep during that massage, and felt myself jump out of it quickly so I don't start to snore or something! :)
All of that took just over 4 and a half hours!
After I have gone out of the spa doors, I felt like I have spent ages in another world. As I have already mentioned, smile has not left my face for the whole day, even though I returned to reality pretty quickly after that, as my kids and my husband came home.
Needless to say, I fell asleep by 9:00 p.m. that night and could HARDLY get up this morning at 7:00 a.m.!

So, now that I have seen her, I can't wait to see her again, and then make her stay...forever!

Well, here I am! Still going strong after a whole week! This is a first! ;)
Last week I've been to the gym 4 times! This week I plan to do the same: 2 times with PT (with whome I have just about 10 sessions left *sniff* :( ), and then 2 times by myself! I am doing a regular Friday noon class of "Limber Limbs" (deep tissue massage usig a foam roller, and stretching) and then the spinning class on Saturdays - which I still die in, but I am attending in all of my 'sweaty glory'! :>
Oh, and I also bought new running shoes! They look exactly like this:



They are beauuuuuuuutiful! It's amazing what just a nice little piece of "wear" can do for you!
All in all - a good week, and I predict that this one will be even better! So, let's get it oooooooooon!!!!!

Aaaaaaah!
There is nothing in this world that feels better than FEELING GOOD! You know that feeling when all kinds of things are going well for you? When you have a fairly full social calendar, when you are with people you love and you feel loved back! AND when you hit your goals you've set up before yourself..The feeling is just priceless!!!
Well, that's how I feel right now! I am SO sore from working out just an hour ago with my PT. He's been working me harder than ever, but I feel great! We only have 10 more sessions left, and I am a bit sad thinking about it..but again, that's 5 more weeks of working out with him! woohooo! :)...I better put them to good use!
Weight-wise, I am still out there with the numbers! It's very cruel how those numbers sneak on you when you're not careful - but I am at peace with it. For a long while my old digital scale didn't work, and I was getting so frustrated when it would show a LOSS, and a week after, a dramatic gain, which just couldn't have happened! So, I decided to spring some money for a new scale, and got myself a new "professional mechanical scale", which looks exactly like this:



I LOVE IT! Yeah, the initial number is *ugly*, but I love that it is constant now ALWAYS! And you can actually recalibrate to zero whenever you want! It also comes with 5 different colour markers, so you can mark your previous weight on it - it's quite playful :)....All in all - the best scale I've ever had, so I hope it will be kind to me from here on!

In other news, I have had so much fun with going to the gym fairly regularly over the past few weeks! I have gone to a lot of classes, and actually found that I enjoy SPINNING! Which is so amazing! First off, you spend TONS of calories! I sweat buckets too! But the biggest accomplishment for me was just trying out that class, considering I HATE the stationary bike, as I have always gotten so tired on it, and felt like I could just never do it! This is so much different! And with a great trainer, it feels like a breeze!!! 45 minutes just go by so quickly, that you feel like you could go all over again! I have seriously found the best class in the gym there is! I have done it 2 times by now, but I definitely plan to go whenever I get a chance! My gym is also bringing tons of new classes as of September, as well as offering Yoga and Pilates for free with my membership (which now it is not), so I am definitely looking forward to that!
Eating is getting better also. I am bringing fruit for my snacks, and trying to choose wisely when going out for lunches, and when eating dinner. One thing that has amazed me, is that for the last week or so, I have just NOT BEEN HUNGRY at all, after dinner! That means that from 6:00 p.m. or so, I do not eat again until breakfast the next day!!! I have no idea how this happened, as I used to go nuts if I am not eating every 2-3 hours...and would ALWAYS need at least a bite of something before bed, but something has definitely shifted, and I am just not that hungry anymore!!! I am just LOVING THIS! I feel an impassable amount of freedom because of this! Freedom from food! Freedom from HUNGER!

Also...don't think that I am forgetting "Malia"!! That technique I talked about in my last post is just amazing!!! More, and more, I am learning to talk back to her! That negative voice in my head is just not getting a chance to talk to me anymore as much as it used to! What it actually does, is that as soon as I feel upset, sad, emotional or ANYTHING that would lead me to mindless eating or feeling beaten down, I now TAKE TIME to analyze it...Talk back to it...Understand where it is coming from...and then I finally realize that food is definitely not an answer to that! Where before I would look at myself in the mirror, decide I was too fat, and go grab the first cookie that would sit out there in the cafeteria for everybody to take, I am now looking in that same mirror, noticing whatever negative I would think..and then CHANGING IT! Talking back to it! Deciding that I am on my way of doing something about it, and even noticing that I look a bit better already...and walking out of there and filling up a cup of green tea, or water!

I am working it...and LOVING IT!

Summer is finally here, the sun is shining, and I have a full schedule of very pleasant things on my plate! WOOOHOOO! :)

"Malia" is a cruel woman. Her pure existence is pathetic, and her whole purpose is based on putting me down and feeding of my weakness in her presence. Although perfectly beautiful on the outside (as she needs to taunt me with her physical perfection), her soul is black and purely malicious (hence the name). She wears many masks of this perfection, but underneath all that plastic is an old, grumpy, green-with-envy, and ugly decomposing face! Her power is overwhelming at times, as she uses anxiety, fear, and low self-esteem as her power and feeds off of my every "blue" emotion! I absolutely hate when she talks, and I definitely want to make her just SHUT UP! I want to destroy her, ridicule her, strip her of her many "beautiful" faces, and expose the ugly truth of her, that she is simply NOTHING...lower than pond scum...to be dispersed into thin air into non-existence!
...
You must think I have gone crazy...but no, my friends, this is a "Buddhist technique vipassana, or mindful mediation, used to treat stress, chronic pain and an array of emotional and physical disorders!" (Taken from the "SELF" Magazine and the article "Talking myself up", as written by Deanna Kizis)
Supposedly, Buddhists have long known of the power you can gain by humanizing a critical inner voice. So, they practice a principle known as apostrophizing. "You take your feelings, treat them as if they have their own identity and speak directly to them"..."This will give you detachment, according to the Buddha."...
And hence the existence of "Malia"...my evil twin...my "negative self"...
I have given her a name, character, and even physical appearance....To tell you the truth, once I have exposed her in such plain site before all of you, she has already lost some power over me! It's amazing! These Buddhists definitely knew what they were talking about!

"Malia" was the one who tells me that I am a "fat pig" when I give myself a glimpse in the mirror of the office bathroom! She says I can't really commit to anything, and that everything I am doing is a scam and a lie for myself - to think I am something I am not..Oh, man - she's evil! Definitely a pathetic existence!
So, I am learning to talk back to her! That is the whole purpose. Once I have drawn her up in front of me - I can distance MYSELF from her pathetic existence, and address her as a separate entity that she is, and beat her down!

By mentally naming all negative feelings and thoughts - you dilute their power to bring you down. Naming an emotion, seems to zap it right away! For example, when you are scared and you say to yourself: "This is fear!" ..it somehow dissipates into much less than what you first thought of ...what you first felt about it!
I will definitely try this when that anxiety strikes...or panic...
Imagine experiencing a full blown panic attack and suddenly saying out loud: "this is panic"....I imagine it jolting you right up into REALITY of the fact that NOTHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU!

Wow, "Malia", you have no idea what's coming to you! *evil laugh*

I am feeling blue a LOT these days...Which is so ironic, seeing that I have spent numerous blog entries talking about being positive, turning the page, "Loving Yourself" lessons...
I just don't get it! I am so desperately trying to see past that number on the scale which, for me, is getting uglier by the day! :( Am I in some kind of denial, that I am eating way too much and thinking I am OK??? Because to me it seems I am just gaining weight and have no reason to justify it at all! :( I am not eating *that much*, am I???
Tracking in WW has weaned off after the first week when I have lost a pound...afterwards I seemed to "know" what I was eating and "know" that I was being "on plan", without having to track it...but it seems it doesn't really work that way! I even went to the gym numerous times since then...sweating my butt off, thinking I am seeing results...only to step on a scale and see an even bigger number than last time!?!
I am clueless, and I feel like crying this whole morning today!
The road seems so long and the end unreachable...and I am getting tired! :(

I feel so guilty for dumping this "negativity" again on here, because this seems to not be a "happy" blog I wanted it to be...the one where I would mark and track my successes in finding that beautiful person inside - both physically and psychologically!...but I just can't hold it in anymore!
This life is turning out to really not be so "peachy and rosy" as I thought it would be! This journey particularly is just plain HARD! And it's full of let-downs...I am sick of how this has an effect on my self-confidence...of the GUILT I feel for failing over and over again...for disappointing not just myself, but everybody around me!
But how long can I live with such a guilt and succeed in this??? I don't think those two can go together...

Yes, I KNOW I am the one who has control! But it is *ME* who is disappointing ME over and over again....and I am just full of fear....fear of staying this way..fear of getting worse....fear of losing myself completely, because I don't even recognize myself any more - I have no idea who this girl is with all this fat around her...and I am not sure how to deal with her, at all!

Le BIG *sigh*...

..sorry...

So, a dear friend posts this today and I absolutely fall in love it it:


You are worth it!
You are worth the trouble and effort required to make your life the best it can possibly be. There is so very much you have to express, to give, to experience and to contribute to the magnificent fabric of life.

You are worth the discomfort and frustration that you'll regularly need to get through. You are worth the pain that the world will sometimes offer.

For within you is the capacity for great joy and astounding achievement. Within you are beautiful and worthy dreams that long to be fulfilled.

You are one of a kind and you are filled with a driving purpose. You are worth whatever it takes to give that special purpose a lasting and meaningful expression.

Yes, the disappointments, inconveniences, pains, problems and annoyances will surely and steadily come. Yet they are indeed quite trivial compared to the precious possibilities that live within you.

Make whatever efforts necessary, endure whatever setbacks you must, move forward through whatever challenges may come along. For there is no question that you are worth it.

-- Ralph Marston

I have seen people on some TV shows falling to tears when they say or finally understand what it means to BELIEVE that they are WORTH IT to be healthy, to be happy - that they deserve everything their heart desires! Even I sit here, reading these words, and I don't really believe it! Yes, I can say to myself 1000 times "I am worth it"...but I am not sure if it reaches me to that level where I truly comprehend that I do deserve it..that I am *worth it*! Does it take a trained psychologist to make you realize this?? Do we need special instructions on how to comprehend this and for it to reach us completely, so we embrace it and BELIEVE in it?

I am worth it.

See...I wrote it...I believe I am worthy...but it does nothing for me...I probably don't really believe that I am then...and there probably lies the reason for my failures. Huh...

eating, that is! :(
By now I have eaten "37.5 pts" (WW-speak) worth of food...and it's not even 4:00 p.m....
In the last 2 hrs. I have eaten 3 timbits (little round donuts) and a whole box of Swiss chocolate covered wafers....I feel SICK to my stomach, but if I had anything more to eat right here at my desk - I would!
WHAT THE HECK IS THAT????
I am really trying to understand this process; and I've been "studying" myself for too long to be so clueless, but yet I still am! And it makes me absolutely livid!
I feel like I am betraying those of you who are cheering for me and have been saying: "so glad you're doing so good..I knew you could do it.."..and so on! I feel like such a fake and am embarrassed in front of you...and it's partly the reason why I can't be quiet at this point when I am everything BUT!....

I am speechless. I don't know what to say anymore. I wish I had the answer. I hate to be that classic case of a food addict - a person who is trying to fill some emotional void with food - but I am! I am not in denial! I am just clueless as to what that void is! I wish I could find out, so I can fix it!

*sigh*

If you know what this is, or how to get through this madness, please share!....

If I can get to the gym tonight, I will be much happier, but I may not have a chance to do that tonight, so I may be stuck with this yucky feeling until I regain some sense and stop behaving this way!...maybe tomorrow???