Finding The Goddess In Me

Well...
HAPPY HALLOWEEN to all! :)



I just came back from my 3rd WI, and I lost another pound!!! That is totalling a 3.2 lb loss in the past two weeks! I won't lie, I was a bit disappointed when I saw just "one" pound show up on the scale, but then when I thought about it - it made sense! Even though I was perfectly OP and everything, I *didn't move* for the past 5 days! I am home sick a whole week now..on antibiotics...and lying in bed most of the time! It's a wonder I lost that pound!!! So, I am happy!

Now..the big question is - how will I avoid the chocolate that's all around me tonight?! I guess I'll just find a way to "trick" myself, instead of "treat"! Bwaaahahahaha I kill me... ;)

I haven't even noticed until just now that all this week I am just waiting for that next weigh in! This thought hasn't even occurred to me, since I've been sick all week, battling with some low-grade fever and general awful feeling. I have finally found out that I have strep throat, and now I am on antibiotics and home for the rest of the week...however, I still plan on making that WI at work tomorrow! I wouldn't miss it for the world!!!
This has become an obsession, I am starting to think. I have faithfully tracked points all week, and now I am ready to face the scale again tomorrow. When I step on my scale at home, it shows such varying numbers throughout the day, that I don't know what to believe any more! Sometimes it's a loss, sometimes it's a gain...but I have been so good, that I can't imagine not seeing another victory on the scale tomorrow...We'll see...til' then, we're waiting.
..
I am amazed that I would rather talk about this and not about the fact that as of last Thursday, I am OFF MEDS completely! Yes, my friends...I have been off for a week now! I guess I am hesitant to talk about that because I feel the pull to go back to what once was...my anxiety filled days...It is so hard to resist the pull, but I am battling every day. I have not had a panic attack yet, but I have had a couple of episodes of dizziness and fear starting to creep in...not to mention the constant anticipatory thoughts of "is it coming yet?? is this it???"...I know I shouldn't be doing this to myself, and I am trying not to. The only reason why I haven't had a panic attack yet again is because this time "I know better"...I know that I have that control, and let me tell you - I am practicing it every week!
I will not lie and say that I am still not afraid - I am! I am terrified of falling into "old ways" - but I can't go back to meds. Not because they didn't work for me, or because I had some horrible side effects from them - I haven't had none..but because taking meds to me is just giving up...giving up on faith in myself. Panic attacks ARE mind over matter...mind over mood! And until I face these fears head on - I will NEVER be free! Meds are just prolonging the inevitable...

I am feeling very vulnerable these days...Some form of melancholy coming over me and rocking me into this state of wanting to be "alone" and "with myself"...and I know that I will have to "wake up" soon..but for now I am enjoying it...I am trusting it, that it is exactly what I need right now.

Here's to tomorrow...for MANY! reasons...

Oh, I am sooo happy! :)
Finally a loss! But hey, I expected that! I was sooo good this week! Really!
Although, this morning when I weighed in, I was down 5 lbs on MY scale..but yeah, I weighed in just wearing my bra and panties...
I think I finally understand the craziness people go through when somebody else will weigh them! I actually took my jeans that I wanted to wear today and WEIGHED them! Do you know how much a pair of jeans weighs???? Anywhere between 2-3 lbs!!!!! MY DOD!!! Needless to say, I wore a "light" pair of grey work pants..man!..

I am leaving with the quote that slapped me in the face this week quite hard, and which our WW leader showed on the board today:

"If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution."

shocking..isn't it?...hmmmmm....

It’s been a while..but a lot has happened!
Truthfully, I can’t even begin to remember what happened in the past month, but the main “change” in my life is that I have finally FULLY committed to following the Weight Watchers program. Mainly, I have joined “WW at Work” program, where every Friday, a bunch of people (all women, btw) from my company are getting together in one of our meeting rooms and with the Weight Watchers leader and having a regular WW meeting, complete with a weigh in! I have welcomed this “change” in my life, because I think that I so desperately need that accountability toward somebody! I mean – somebody else weighing you – if that will not do it, what will???
So..I have had my first meeting 2 weeks ago when I have had a first WI (weigh in), and 210.6 lbs started back at me from the scale…..
I was *NOT* impressed…But I was not surprised either. I am weighing myself almost daily for the past 2 years, so I KNOW where I am at…but just “sharing” that number with somebody else makes you want to throw up…Here I was, admitting it to the world my exact number from the scale…AND fully dressed, might I add?! Blasphemy! LOL
Anyways…the first WI after that I weighed in with the same number! I was so happy, because that was the week of the long weekend and Canadian Thanksgiving, so I was VERY thankful that I have not gained! This week however, I am in the “GAME ON!”mode, and so far, so good! I am trying not to peak at my scale on the home, so I am not getting discouraged if I am not seeing a loss right away…but I know that I have changed so many things in my diet. I *KNOW* how excruciating it was to pass up all the goodies showing up here at work at all times in order to be “on points” and faithful to the program…so I better SEE the darn loss this Friday…I will report of the results, of course!

In other news? Tomorrow marks the day when I will take my last ¼ of my medication, which will begin my last round of “getting of the meds” process – taking ¼ of the pill every other day….
I am so proud of myself on how I have handled this process! I have basically taken my own approach to this and have gone off these pills even slower than my doctor has suggested, in hopes of lowering any withdrawal side effects one might have. And I have DONE IT! I have not had *ANY* side effects since starting this withdrawal process in August (I can’t even believe I have stuck to this so long…). It’s been slow..but the end is coming! Thoughts were showing up of “how will I take it?”..and “will I get panic attacks again??”…but I am so pleased to report, that I have never felt better! Somehow everything I’ve read about anxiety and panic attacks in the past 2 years has crystallized in my mind, and I have finally taken that “mind over mood” approach and am gaining more and more confidence in myself that it is I who is in control of myself and my moods and emotions, and hence anxiety and panic, which used to grip me.

So..here I am…finding myself once more…in good, in bad…no turning back!