Finding The Goddess In Me

I haven't even noticed until just now that all this week I am just waiting for that next weigh in! This thought hasn't even occurred to me, since I've been sick all week, battling with some low-grade fever and general awful feeling. I have finally found out that I have strep throat, and now I am on antibiotics and home for the rest of the week...however, I still plan on making that WI at work tomorrow! I wouldn't miss it for the world!!!
This has become an obsession, I am starting to think. I have faithfully tracked points all week, and now I am ready to face the scale again tomorrow. When I step on my scale at home, it shows such varying numbers throughout the day, that I don't know what to believe any more! Sometimes it's a loss, sometimes it's a gain...but I have been so good, that I can't imagine not seeing another victory on the scale tomorrow...We'll see...til' then, we're waiting.
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I am amazed that I would rather talk about this and not about the fact that as of last Thursday, I am OFF MEDS completely! Yes, my friends...I have been off for a week now! I guess I am hesitant to talk about that because I feel the pull to go back to what once was...my anxiety filled days...It is so hard to resist the pull, but I am battling every day. I have not had a panic attack yet, but I have had a couple of episodes of dizziness and fear starting to creep in...not to mention the constant anticipatory thoughts of "is it coming yet?? is this it???"...I know I shouldn't be doing this to myself, and I am trying not to. The only reason why I haven't had a panic attack yet again is because this time "I know better"...I know that I have that control, and let me tell you - I am practicing it every week!
I will not lie and say that I am still not afraid - I am! I am terrified of falling into "old ways" - but I can't go back to meds. Not because they didn't work for me, or because I had some horrible side effects from them - I haven't had none..but because taking meds to me is just giving up...giving up on faith in myself. Panic attacks ARE mind over matter...mind over mood! And until I face these fears head on - I will NEVER be free! Meds are just prolonging the inevitable...

I am feeling very vulnerable these days...Some form of melancholy coming over me and rocking me into this state of wanting to be "alone" and "with myself"...and I know that I will have to "wake up" soon..but for now I am enjoying it...I am trusting it, that it is exactly what I need right now.

Here's to tomorrow...for MANY! reasons...