Finding The Goddess In Me

I can't wait until 6:50 tonight, when all the lights in the movie theatre will dim down and that well known theme of the series starts! *big grin*
Sex & The City movie is finally out - and I am going to see it with 5 of my girlfriends!! 6 of us are going for the first show at Galaxy Cinemas, followed by Cosmos at Wildcraft, after the movie! wooohooo!!!! I am sooo excited!
I may even dare to put on my new heels and some "extra" makeup! LOL
Just joking...but yeah - I am DEFINITELY in the mood for this tonight!
Food wise, I am doing just "ok"...not overly cautious, but not overeating at all! I am still watching what I eat and all, I just wish there was some more activity included. Oh well....
Days are so hectic though - how am I supposed to do it all??? Seriously! I wonder, how do we do it all??? Work, home, kids, friends, and keeping our sanity in check?! I am so overwhelmed by all the responsibilities I have on my shoulders these days - and guilt is the *worst* you can feel when you have a *slight* problem with "disorderly eating"! Guilt makes us do some very bad things and does a number on our sanity! It is the worst of the feelings, because it lingers for so long, and it's hard to get rid of....If you find the way - let me know!

Meanwhile, you know where to find me! I'll be the one in black peep-toe heels! ;)

Lost 2 lbs in a week!
Not a big "woohooo" - but very good for a change! I am finally LOSING!
As always - that first day when you weigh in - you give yourself freedom to eat a bit more - so I have had a crazy day...I still tried to eat well - but it was the "going out with people from work" that did me in! However, I am hoping that won't have a huge influence on my next week! Onward we go! ;)

I gotta say - I am proud of myself!
I don't know how I did it, but somehow I have reached that point where "enough is enough" and I have really started to pay attention! And believe it or not - that is all that is needed!!!
So, my parents were visiting for the weekend, and that is usually the time where I just pig out, because mom is cooking home made meals, and our whole socilizing concentrates around food! We had a "seafood bbq" on Saturday with some friends, then we were invited to another BBQ on Sunday...all in all - I had plenty of opportunity to pig out - BUT I DIDN'T! I ate just enough to not be hungry, and didn't snack all the time like I usually do when we are all together, because someone is eating AT ALL TIMES! But let me tell you, it wasn't so easy! I had to really think of my every step, every minute...I had to remind myself what I want, why I am not taking that cookie, or picking up an extra serving of something delicious we had on the table...It is WORK! ..and at some point I am probably going to get sick of it and will wonder how one is supposed to live like that their whole life...but at this point, that is what I have to do! I told you that for me, this is not going to be one day at a time - but one SECOND at a time! And it is exactly that! Watching and reminding myself all the time!
I saw my PT again today - first time in 2 weeks (he was on vacation), and told him that I have taken things into my own hands this time. Told him how I stepped on the scale and saw that I was 10 lbs. over my initial weight, when I first joined the gym!..and how that is just NOT ok! He gave me all of his support, so I have exactly 17 sessions more with him, to make some difference!! I hope that with this new plan I do something....that I finally see some results!
And one more small "victory" if you please - after the workout I usually get a "Berry Blitz" from the little cafe that is RIGHT THERE by the gym - which is just a protein smoothie - berries, non-fat yogurt and a spoonful of protein powder...but this time I didn't! First of all - it's darn EXPENSIVE! (almost $6 for a medium shake!), and second of all - I DIDN'T NEED IT! I already had some non-fat yogurt at my desk that I brought from home to have for snack..so I just had that and some almonds - and I am not hungry!!! so, YAY! :)

All in all - expecting to see some results on Wednesday - that would be exactly a week since I started this little "diet plan"...which I wouldn't even call a diet - because I am eating really well - but just watching portions and eliminating junk and processed sugars.

Thankfully, I only had headache for that one day - all other days - pain free! Actually, ask me tomorrow, after all of this exercising from today kicks in! ;)

HUGE headache!
My body is SHOCKED by all this "good" (or should I say "orderly") behaviour!
Day 2 is a pure success! (so far)...
I did a huge grocery shopping yesterday and got all the right stuff - lots of veggies..lots of fruits! Then came home and made a good dinner with a big salad!
Today, I have planned my snacks...low-fat yogurts and fruits, walnut halves and almonds, lots of veggies for lunch with some grilled chicken! No juices today, well-portioned breakfast, no modified sugars of any kind except those found naturally in fruit, and my body is stunned! This huge headache I am currently writing under is just a proof of how badly I was doing before! The sugar withdrawal - the first symptom of anybody starting to eat healthy and taking out processed sugars! HA! Take that!
Strangely enough, I am happy...in pain, but happy!
One more revelation from yesterday --> brushing teeth helps immensly! with managing boredom eating! I went to the dentist yesterday and had some cleaning done, etc...so I brushed my teeth maybe 3-4 times yesterday! Anyways - once you get your mouth all squicky clean and smelling minty-fresh, you really think of keeping it that way and not divulging in obsessive and mindless eating! So - great strategy!
Other than some heavy house work I did yesterday, activity is still going to be something I have to strive for to get in my day. Yes, I will still see PT twice weekly - but it is hardly enough to get this much fat off any time soon! I still have 18 sessions with him, and in order to do it justice and see some real results - I will have to kick my bum into gear to exercise on those days when I do not see him! I am thinking of walking as a start?! Climbing some stairs instead of taking the elevator at work (since I work on the 3rd floor)...All great ideas - we'll see when I will find it necessarry to incorporate!?!
I am always good on talk; action is another matter altogether! *sigh*

So, here I am!
Day 1. So far, so good...
I can't say I am following any "plan" - my plan for now is to just stay "neutral" - to not overeat, and eat only when I am hungry...no junk...lots of water...and get some moving in there somewhere - some activity! I am writing down what I am eating, to notice any bad habits, and what I am eating and NOT eating...That is a big one! Like no fruits or veggies? Unless they are mixed in some "ready-to-eat food"...I also think I am overeating on cereal and soy milk - some portion control is in need! ..and I need fat-free dairy products. :-S
So..as I am sitting here and thinking of "Day 1" - I cannot but wonder what I have been doing and how I've been getting out of control. I think, NO - I KNOW!, that a lot of my overeating has come from my anxiety and panic attacks issues...For a long while I thought that my blood sugars were crashing and that was the reason why I got those attacks and that awful feeling of being "unwell" - so I would get something to eat at the first sign of starting to feel that way....and I've been feeling like that A LOT! Later on it just became a habit - simple game of association - I associated food with feeling good, comfort in the situations where I felt weak, unwell, shaky, scared....even when I just hated myself and was sad, etc...I know this is nothing new to anybody who has ever dealt with weight loss, or just plain read about it; but to tackle those issues head on, is so complex! It's weird to say, but it is true - weight problems are the least associated with actual food! It is our emotional issues behind the eating that make us gain all that fat!!!
"The Food Stress" as I found one woman call it (will give you another quote (with her name) later). That stress that is connected with eating - stress from so many things that can go wrong in life; from things we are disatisfied about, even the stress of stressing of what to eat and when to eat, and why we are gainig weight!
It is too much for anybody to take! The body has NEEDS! If those needs are not met, the body makes us do crazy things! If you do not give your body all the nutrients it needs to function at its optimum, all the organs in our body start to protest! It is this disorderly behaviour of our body, that makes us manifest this "disorderly eating"...This is one viscious cirle that is so hard to get out of, if not properly addressed! You just HAVE to take these things slow, otherwise, you will overlook just one simple reason, of so many that make us eat and gain weight! So, for now I will be my "compassionate observer" and just observe myself - try to do my best and observe.

Here is the quote from one really smart woman I stumbled upon:
"I wish you could be a fly on the wall of my office, and listen as I interview patients about their eating habits. It is rare to find a single soul who is not experiencing what I call food stress, or disorderly eating. One cannot help but feel sorry for the poor body parts sitting before me. These body systems and cell groups are locked up, unable to get what they need to survive. Imagine someone carrying a hungry baby in their arms, and refusing to feed it. When individuals refuse to feed their body correctly, it is very much the same. The person with the baby could be arrested for child abuse. It’s unfortunate that there isn’t a law against self-abusing one’s body. Perhaps if there was such a law, people would begin to pay attention to what they are doing to themselves." Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht


Keeping in mind that I do indeed have the control, I am just compassionately observing...It may just be the time that I should finally start to like myself, if not love...yet.

I just read Emily Giffin's new book over the weekend..."Love the One You're With".
I bought it not because I've read this author before (even though I've seen her books all over the place), but only based on it's title..of it's "theme"...
This book has so closely written my thoughts, so many thoughts I would not or COULD not write down ever...it presented all the questions I've had for so long..but it also provided answers to those questions.
It may be silly to say, but over the course of the 2 days that it took for me to read this book - I was set free! The truth in it, has set me free!
I feel like the light bulb appeared over my head when I read the last page!
If you have ever wondered "what if" in your life, I recommed this book!

How many times have you heard that one? Saying it to yourself, or your friends, or anyone! I begin the diet tomorrow! I'll start on Monday!.....

I stepped on my scale this morning and lost all the colour from my face! I was dumbfounded looking at the ugly number on the scale! How can it be??? What have I done??? I weigh more than EVER (and not being pregnant)...almost as much as I weighed when I was 8 months pregnant with my daughter...that is DISGUSTING! Where the heck is that weight?? I honestly don't see myself as being THAT fat when I look in the mirror! WTF???
It's so ugly I can't even say the number...just trust me - it's UGLY! 10 lbs more than when I began training with my PT???? HOW IN THE WORLD CAN THAT BE????

So, what do I say to myself???
"I begin tomorrow"...

And so tomorrow will come..well, tomorrow. In the meantime - I need to prepare myself mentally, to realize what that will mean...what changes have to occur. My very good and old friend (not "old" in age..just how long I know her LOL) commented on my last post and plainly told me - "you have the control"...That's all that is! It's your control...your doing! YOU decide that you want this..that you will do a), b), and c)...and you'll get there! So here I am, trying to think what a) will be...and what b) and c) I have to do to do it right!
It's not like I don't know what to do to lose weight - gosh - I am a walking encyclopedia on weight loss! In theory I am a GD wiz! It's the "practical" part of it - the one where you have to DO stuff to make it happen, that I have a problem with....
So..here I am, trying to dust off my old brain and remember all the right things...

I know some smartypants would say - why wait for tomorrow - begin right now...today! That next moment....but I can't! For me - this will not be "one day at a time"....I am so deep in now that this will have to be "one step at a time"..heck "ONE SECOND AT A TIME"....I am an addict! Food is my drug of choice - the one that makes me feel safe and warm and loved and comforted, but only while I eat it...that is a big BUT! (LOL...no pun intended)....

So, I begin tomorrow...



God, please, make it be my last one!!!

Ok, so I haven't blogged in more than a month. Please do not blame me. I really have NO idea where the time went, but also, I think the biggest reason for it would be that I am embarrassed that I have had NO real losses...no real results..no NOTHING! :( Yes, I have exercised in the gym 2 times per week as usual, and I have "tried" to watch what I eat, but I noticed that for the most part I didn't really cared and ate whatever the heck I wanted!
I really REALLY do not understand myself anymore - SERIOUSLY! I am trying to comprehend how someone can go against EVERYTHING they truly desire - but then it of course begs the question "do you really desire what you think you do?"....Like the obvious "I desire to be at a healthy weight! To be "skinny"...to be able to wear any clothes I want and look good in it!"....To me this is soo obvious! Without a doubt - this is what I *truly want*...so HOW COME I am doing everything to not get there??? Do I really like to eat more than I would like to lose weight? I mean, isn't' that what it comes down to? If so, how awful is that??? Isn't that like one of the "sins"? Gluttony?
The scale is AWFUL to me too....It says I weigh more than I weighed at the beginning of my weight loss journey, which by itself is just too depressing to think of! PT tells me that I shouldn't look at the scale at all - go by how I feel, etc. And yeah, I truly feel stronger and "leaner"..but I don't see it in the mirror, and the scale certainly doesn't show it...so, what's the point?! I ask myself that question every day!
Every freakin' day I think of how I want to lose weight. Every day I think about food. If I eat what I shouldn't I feel extreme guilt and failure - which is what I feel like most days - and it's driving me nuts! I am starting to feel worse physically...my old fears creeping up...anxiety here and there....insecurities about anything and everything! How long can I stand this???

I am so embarrassed....I don't want anybody to know how bad I am doing, so I have immersed myself into work and have disappeared from all other aspects of my life! My salvation is work these days as I am sooo busy, and I love it! One bright light among it all.....yet again...I am walking around the office and feeling like a "fat girl" of the group....and it's NOT ME! I am trying to explain to everyone I meet: "oh, this is my post-pregnancy weight still on me that I am trying to get rid off...you know, I am going to the gym!"...and all of them are: "oh great! Good for you!".....How long can I use the "post-pregnancy" excuse??? Uuuuum, my "baby" will be 2 soon!
..
*sigh*

I am not sure if this is what you wanted to read. I would have loved to give you another philosophical piece to ponder your minds and to leave you with a good feeling after reading this blog...but I just got nothing for you right now.

I got nuttin'!