Finding The Goddess In Me

Ok, so I haven't blogged in more than a month. Please do not blame me. I really have NO idea where the time went, but also, I think the biggest reason for it would be that I am embarrassed that I have had NO real losses...no real results..no NOTHING! :( Yes, I have exercised in the gym 2 times per week as usual, and I have "tried" to watch what I eat, but I noticed that for the most part I didn't really cared and ate whatever the heck I wanted!
I really REALLY do not understand myself anymore - SERIOUSLY! I am trying to comprehend how someone can go against EVERYTHING they truly desire - but then it of course begs the question "do you really desire what you think you do?"....Like the obvious "I desire to be at a healthy weight! To be "skinny"...to be able to wear any clothes I want and look good in it!"....To me this is soo obvious! Without a doubt - this is what I *truly want*...so HOW COME I am doing everything to not get there??? Do I really like to eat more than I would like to lose weight? I mean, isn't' that what it comes down to? If so, how awful is that??? Isn't that like one of the "sins"? Gluttony?
The scale is AWFUL to me too....It says I weigh more than I weighed at the beginning of my weight loss journey, which by itself is just too depressing to think of! PT tells me that I shouldn't look at the scale at all - go by how I feel, etc. And yeah, I truly feel stronger and "leaner"..but I don't see it in the mirror, and the scale certainly doesn't show it...so, what's the point?! I ask myself that question every day!
Every freakin' day I think of how I want to lose weight. Every day I think about food. If I eat what I shouldn't I feel extreme guilt and failure - which is what I feel like most days - and it's driving me nuts! I am starting to feel worse physically...my old fears creeping up...anxiety here and there....insecurities about anything and everything! How long can I stand this???

I am so embarrassed....I don't want anybody to know how bad I am doing, so I have immersed myself into work and have disappeared from all other aspects of my life! My salvation is work these days as I am sooo busy, and I love it! One bright light among it all.....yet again...I am walking around the office and feeling like a "fat girl" of the group....and it's NOT ME! I am trying to explain to everyone I meet: "oh, this is my post-pregnancy weight still on me that I am trying to get rid off...you know, I am going to the gym!"...and all of them are: "oh great! Good for you!".....How long can I use the "post-pregnancy" excuse??? Uuuuum, my "baby" will be 2 soon!
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*sigh*

I am not sure if this is what you wanted to read. I would have loved to give you another philosophical piece to ponder your minds and to leave you with a good feeling after reading this blog...but I just got nothing for you right now.

I got nuttin'!