Finding The Goddess In Me

That white $#@& is falling. AGAIN!

I give up.

So, apparently, I was wrong! I have not let go of ONE thing that was bothering me.
Last night I had a dream SO VIVID that I can't seem to shake off the whole day today. I will not describe it, as it is too personal...but I seem to be breaking down whenever I think about it. Darn it! How can something that happened 7 years ago bug me so much, to the point of immobility!..so bad...I don't even think about this consciously, I really don't!
Can my EGO really be that big to keep onto something like this??? I wish I could just let go...This is nothing but pure pain! *sigh*
Excuse me for not being clear about this - I am just dumping it here in hopes it will pass!

On a better note - saw my PT again! I feel tired now sitting here at my desk at work - but GOOD tired! He tells me I constantly surprise him of how good I am doing...meaning - he shows me the exercise once, and I do it without mistakes (dying! but no mistakes people!) :) Proper posture and everything..So I guess that is something I should be proud of?? ...He repeatedly challenges me to do more, and I have to say I am good at taking those challenges! One of these days, I will kick HIS butt! LOL It's funny, when we get to stretching, he can't do anything to challeng me, as I am quite "bendy and stretchy" let's say, so he's quite boggled with that one! tee hee I guess that Ballet long ago, and Yoga recently, has done SOMETHING right! LOL
All in all, good stuff!

Work is treating me good - but it's getting *CRAZY* with meetings a bit! I am wondering when do I actually have time to do some WORK?! So...that has led me to conclude that you really have to be careful of what you wish for! :> I have wanted variety in my work day for so long, but now it's getting RIDICULOUS!!!!

I also have to say I've gotten some good comments about my work up to now, so I hope I can continue with that pace and get even better!

Ok...so writing all this has made me feel a LITTLE better than at the start of this message....but still, I obviously have a lot to work on. And, as I've concluded in my tag-line on MSN Messenger - dreaming really SUCKS for me lately!...Yes, I am releasing stress, but some things I wish I didn't know...SERIOUSLY!

p.s. Can't wait for "Grey's Anatomy" to come back! :>

Uummmm, how many times can you have sore muscles in a week???
I thought I already went through this the first time I had a session with my PT, when I couldn't walk for like 3 days! Yesterday I had another session with him, and now I am in pain all over again!!! WOW! He is kicking my butt! (I can say "butt" on here....can I??? lol)
Well...you should all be proud of me! I definitely am! I am sticking to this one, getting myself to the gym for most of my lunches...and then seeing PT 2 times a week...not bad at all!
I definitely feel different about everything this time...so, we'll see if it sticks!

Since starting meditation on a regular basis, I have had even more weird dreams than usual...Not weird in a sense that I am dreaming about aliens or something...just weird about the situations and people I am dreaming about..I was told during a meditation course that when dreaming we're just releasing all the stress we accumulated, and sometimes what you dream about can pinpoint what you have been unknowingly stressing about! I can honestly say I feel a lot better about some things in my past, as I've let go of so many "why's"? in my dreams....I feel like I can finally go on.
As one of my favourite quote said once "I have given up hope of having a better past"...so have I let go of some things that were bothering me...
Just one thing, though - no, it doesn't mean that you forget things. As my meditation teacher has wisely said - situations don't change, it is YOU who changes and your relationship to that situation...You let go! It is out of your hands...Yet once more, you become a compassionate observer...and THAT my friends, is what it is all about! :)

So, I am in the washroom today at work and I am washing my hands...I look in the mirror in front of me and give myself a full body scan. Disgustingly I throw a look at myself and whisper "fat pig" under my breath, and I turn and walk away.
...
..
.
WTF??? Would I ever treat my friends like this?? ANYBODY I care about??? Would I even think "fat pig" if I saw an overweight person passing by??? NO! So, why do I treat myself like that???
After I got out of the bathroom, it hit me like a ton of bricks - I really do not LIKE myself - not to mention LOVE! No wonder I am in shape that I am, and in STATE that I am....
So, I gave myself a good talking to, and promised myself I won't do it anymore! This is the first time I am dealing with this. I have done it for so long - it was even UNDERSTANDABLE for me to hate how I look...to hate all the little things that are not just *perfect*...What the heck was I thinking?
I think that people in general have this problem, because if we all loved ourselves - we would all be the healthiest we can be! We would all eat right, walk right, behave right...We would be like pampered babies! None of us would have any doubts; our self-esteem would soar and nobody would be able to bring us down...We would be our own best friends, and life would just be great!
So, do you know a person like that???? I can honestly say I've NEVER in my life met a person that truly loved themselves...
Yes, you can meet people who are self-confident when they talk to you...who you think nothing can touch...but then those people go home and fuss about something they hate about themselves...
How in the world do we approach this??

Ok...I am on it!

Note to myself: Learn how to love yourself, Mirela! Truly, madly, deeply!

Yes..I know I am quite late with "New Year's Resolutions"...but so much has happened since the last time I've written anything, that I simply do not know where to begin!
First of all, now I am free to write what REALLY was the problem of my deep melancholy and frantic search for "that something" that could explain my life. It was my darn old job! While it was a great company and good people that I worked with, I just didn't like the JOB! Mechanical Design? Are you kidding me? 8 hours in front of the computer staring at the same screen the whole day - I was just wasting away (and I do not mean physically - I wish!)...
That said, I didn't know if I had it in me to find the new job and start anew.
I started looking at job search websites and have sent a few resumes out expecting nothing really, but then I got THE call! Actually - I got THE e-mail LOL....It was for the position of a Project Lead at RIM, and they were interested in having me for the interview...To make the long story short - I GOT THE JOB!...And I am basically on cloud 9, ever since... :)
This new turn of getting to do something I actually like every day, has given me newfound strength to really attack my weight and do it right this time.
While I still follow everything I've learned in nutrition, I have turned now to what I think I lacked, and that is excersise! That was one part of it all that I have struggled to begin again, after so many years....Starting to work at RIM has really pushed me to do that, because they pay a considerable amount of my gym memebership, but then I went even a step further and got myself a Personal Trainer! ;) (whome I'll call PT from now on...) Now that is a TREAT! Expensive treat!..but a treat non-the-less :)...
I have only had one session with him by now, but after it, I couldn't walk for 3 days straight! HA! Muscles hurt that I didn't even know I had! So, I guess that was a good sign! :>

So...I am working on this:

• Eating as per WW points plan and nutritional guide I had from before
• Working out with the PT 2 times per week
• Working out by myself in the gym 3 times per week
• Being kind to myself
• Meditating and finding inner peace for it all

Not bad...

I have NEVER been fatter, and not pregnant..so I can't say enough how sick I am of all of this - of draging around this extra weight that has now put me in the OBESE range (according to my BMI)...I do not recognize myself anymore...I have become this "fat girl" in the group...people around me do not know me as I was before...they do not know that I've been slim once, so I have established this perception in my environment which is just not right, and I feel cheated of everytihng that I deserve! That I can BE!

But I am getting there...Just watch me!