Finding The Goddess In Me

This truly sucks!
I got sick. AGAIN! For fluck's sakes!!!
Stomach bug again..6 lbs gone in a day...4 lbs came back this morning...Oh well - at least I am feeling better!
Oh..and I am COUGHING again! I have no idea what's up with this season??? Is it because the winter was/is so long, or what???? I am officially sick of winter and am DEMANDING for spring to come. SOON! Thank you very much.

Other than all that...Everything else pretty much continues to be the same...I am getting my exercise in with PT 2 times a week..but I am starting to think that's not enough. Not enough exercise, and certainly not enough work to lose any weight, by itself! Yes, I feel stronger and stuff..but really, nothing has changed! I have to SERIOUSLY rethink my eating and all that...although if I think, I really, honestly, do not eat that much...but I guess I eat enough not to lose..or my body has just gotten really FINE with the way I eat and won't budge! I need some DRASTIC measures to get me moving! Of course..being on metabolism-slowing-pills doesn't help :(

*sigh*

Work is going great and I am truly loving every minute of it! I just hope I can continue at the same pace! Boss tells me he got great feedback on me, so my fingers are crossed...although, what's coming won't be so easy on me - 11 projects and all on me!!! Oh well, one step at a time!

On another note..I am still trying to figure myself out...Things I've noticed by now?
- I am really scared of life...of everything!...
- I do not "do" lonely well..
- I am so self-suggestive...it's driving me nuts!
- For some reason or another, life has thrown a real curve ball at me, and I am trying to figure it all out...
- I need a mental vacation! Seriously.
- I am thinking about death...a lot...No, I am not suicidal, but I am thinking of what if I die? I am getting this sensation that death is for some reason close to me these days..and I know that it may seem crazy to anybody reading this...but I need to get it out there...
I do not WANT to die...but for some reason subject of death seems to come up for me these days...a friend that's in the hospital who just had a stroke, to remembering people that already died...to thinking of what if I die? How does it feel?...I think I am mostly dealing with the FEAR of death because of my anxiety...I mean - why do I get anxious in the first place? Because the physical sensations I get make me think that some kind of a disaster is coming, and I am dying...so to overcome that, I think I am trying to deal with the subject of death, so that I can get "over it"...And somehow I am finding peace with it....Although, to tell you the truth, I don't think we are ever really "over it"...It's human nature to fight for the survival and so be afraid of death...but if I could just win over the anxiety of it all - it would be great...am I asking too much? Am I making any sense at all?? LOL

I should probably just go and take a shower, quit whining, and start living! (no pun intended) ;)

"14-day eating plan" has turned into a "3-day try out" and then I just quit :( To tell you the truth, I don't know why...Days just got hectic...I didn't eat much or "wrong" - I just didn't eat what the plan said, and I felt so bad for doing so, but I avoided facing myself and just continued on...I was too busy at work; life got in a way...I got sick again...and I just got tired of following "the rules"... :( I am so ashamed right now. I didn't really want to write, but I have to let it out and confess. What is the alternative? I am so afraid of staying fat forever. My whole life just TRYING to lose weight, but never succeeding. Can't I follow ANYTHING through for once??? This *really* bothers me. What can that say about myself?? It can't say much about my character...and this is yet ANOTHER thing I am ashamed of...
The only thing I can possibly be "proud" about is the fact that I just cannot give up! Here I am changing my life over and over again! I've had so many downs, but I would always pick myself up again very fast! I am not letting it keep me down...Otherwise I would just drown in my own misery of different inabilities....
So, tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow the slate is clean again and I can possibly try over.
Yes, that is exactly what I will do. Come Monday, it's "Day 1" all over again!

p.s. I cut my hair real short on Friday, and I LOVE it! :) Will post a pic as soon as I figure out where the cable for my camera is locaated! :>

So, I've started my 14-day "Nutritional Lifestyle Modification Phase 2" yesterday!
So far, so good! One thing I've discovered about myself though, I *hate* eating egg whites without bread! Also, liquid fish oil with a lemon taste still tastes like FISH, and I can hardly swallow it anymore (will have to look into capsules); I *love* pumpernickel bread; I like Almond Butter; and I can definitely drink 3 L of water without spending every minute of the day in the washroom! (Although I probably sweated most of it out in the gym yesterday working with my PT!)
Speaking of the gym - I think my body is changing...It's these subtle differences that I can notice in how my clothes feel now - I think I am a bit slimmer, although the scale doesn't show much yet..I am assured it's the muscle gain, but we'll see....I am actually amazed that I can keep at it with such positivity without seeing so many results so far, since usually I would bail on whatever I was doing and try to ruin it somehow...quit already, and so on....But this time I am haning on! It must be all the good endorphins running through my body these days from exercise! ;)

As far as meditation is going - I am falling asleep every night before I can really make it all out in my head. I really have to try doing this sometimes during the day. I just wish I could find the time! Speaking of which, I do not think I have mentioned here that I am planning on making a yoga/meditation room in my home. I am SO EXCITED about this idea! We will soon do some work in the huge basement of our house, and I have gotten a little corner of it for myself to do whatever I want with it - so I am making this room!!! I still have to work a lot of details in my head of what it will look like! This is so exciting for me, that I keep daydreaming about it regularly! If anybody has any ideas of what a yoga/meditation room should contain or look like - please feel free to make suggestions in the comments area! :)

I have also sent another "wish" to the Universe! This time for someone else (and for me in a sense)...We'll see what comes out of that one! :)

Uummmm...aren't sore muscles supposed to last like once after a good workout, and then you get used to the exercising and it never happens again??? I have had 4 sessions with my PT by now, and all 4 times I have had sore muscles for 2-3 days after that! That's CRAZY! PT laughs whenever I tell him this, because he's just more proud of himself for working me so hard every time!
So...today was another session. 1st one after being sick for 3 days...so he was sliiiightly easier on me this time, but still "beet-red-face-worthy"! LOL
I think my body is already showing some progress from that little "boot camp" I am doing, I just wish the scale will catch up now!
Speaking of the scale...As of Monday I am on a "Nutritional Lifestyle Modification Phase 2" specifically prepared for me by my PT!..Which when translated means - "You will starve for the next 14 days" :) Ok..so maybe not starve...but this is STRICT high protein, low carb, insulin regulating program which should kick my butt and kick me into fat burning machine FAST! I'll just think of it as a 14-day-cleansing program, and hopefully I'll survive! I start my regimen on Monday, March 10th. Oh, the plan also says I should drink 3L of water daily! bwaaaahahahaha! Well, we all know where I will be spending the most of those 14 days!!!

Otherwise, doing good...Feeling better about so many things going on. Trying to forget some things (until they resurface again! &%^$%$#$@!, pardon my French)...and then trying to make some other things a LOT better! Like my LIFE, for example :)....
Speaking of Life - I picked up some great CD's the other day at Chapters (have I mentioned that this is my Holy Place, already?) - "The Law Of Attraction" (Audio Book)...and "Meditations For Entering The Temples On The Other Side". These are both GREAT! I am particularly happy with "meditations" cd, as I have experienced some great new sensations while meditating to it!
..and speaking of the "Law of Attraction" - I have bought another book which has been showing up here and there for me for days now! The first time I saw it in the movie "Serendipity"...The book is called: "A Love In The Time Of Cholera".....and then I see it at Chapters staring at me from the bookshelf! I picked it up; and read this summary:

Here I am..home sick today, as I probably got another virus from my son. A stomach bug again which has kept me sitting on a "white throne" for most of the day today! I really do not wish this on anybody!
Today was supposed to be my weigh-in day too - but I skipped it because of the said virus. It would not have been a true picture of my progress anyways...

So, I had some revelations about dreaming! I wrote to my friend in Norway, who is a psychologist...We go way back - we lived in the same building I grew up in, played in the dirt together, walked to school together, and she has spent most of my teenage years comforting me about some boyfriend or another :)....So here I am years later writing to her, still complaining, and she still comes back with the wisdom of a hundred-year-old!
So, to get back to our subject: "dreaming"..
She tells me that it is basically GREAT that I dreamt some things because it definitely means I am working on those issues! (where have I heard that before??? LOL)..but now she goes further to tell me that all the people we dream about actually represent US! Different parts of us...We play ALL the parts in our dreams...the good, the bad, and the ugly! This has REALLY set my mind in motion as I tried to think of what these various parts of "me" told me in my dream, and I was dumbfounded by the simplicity of it all...when you look at it that way - IT REALLY MAKES SENSE! You start connecting the dots...you see yourself through the eyes of these supposedly other people, but they are actually YOUR perceptions of what those people are thinking! She also told me that if we dream something really awful, for example if someone in our dream really hurts us - we are only giving ourselves opportunity to go through that experience through a dream so we may deal with it better in reality! See, those things only help us accept and understand some things that may be too hard to accept in real life, because they would just plain hurt too much!
So, armed with this new knowledge, and stuck in bed for most of the day today, I have really thought about these things, and I can say again that I am letting some things go...
Yes, it may not seem like I am, but I am working on it; and that is enough for now...At least I am really, really trying! *sheepish grin*