Finding The Goddess In Me

Well, I am here! I've read so many of my friends' thoughts, even strangers', all the time fighting the urge to try and do it, too! I've started to write so many journals (you should see how many unfinished notebooks I have!)...but I would get bored. Honestly? After so many hours spent on the computer and typing becoming that main mode of communication - I am just not into *writing* any more!...So here it is...I am going to try and *type* my thoughts onto this imaginary 'paper'...
Reason for this? I think I am at major crossroads in my life! After giving birth to my son last year, I have completely lost myself...who I was, what my purpose in life was! I have gained this huge amount of weight during pregnancy which stuck with me to this day, and not only that...I have become this anxious, major-panic-attacks, tired, overweight, losing-my-mind, just-plain-LOST person....
For a whole year on maternity leave I have battled anxiety and panic attacks by plain "psycho-therapy" - meaning I have gone to a counsellor at the post-birth clinic here in my hometown and chatted every week...I had very good days...and then very bad days! I would think I am getting better, and then something would happen and I would hit the rock bottom! After the whole year, I have finally admitted to the world and myself I need more help..and started taking anti-depressants...and yeah, I've gotten "better"....better in a sense that physically I don't get panic attacks any more...but psychologically, I don't think I am even close to finding what set me so bad in the first place!
All the while I am 'flipping' at the fact that I can't lose any weight and that everyone that knows me has basically lost trust in me that I can do it! No, no one has said it to my face....but somehow I read it...friends telling you "you can do it!!"..."hey, great job on that pound lost!"...but deep down I am seeing: "poor you...you will just fail again"...or is that just my reflection in them??? I think I really don't trust myself that I am able to do this and THAT is the main reason for my inability to stick to something and follow it through!
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It's been 3 months that I have started taking anti-depressants, and fine - I am less anxious..but hardly there to call myself "a healthy" person! Over the years I have come to recognize that it's not just important to look good, but to FEEL good! And that's what I want..oh GOD, how I want to FEEL GOOD! ...Yes, I've done "Weight Watchers Online" and it worked for me great after the first pregnancy...but after this second one, it's just not cutting it! I am losing the interest in it after the first week of counting the points and trying to make myself move and earn some "activity points"! My blood sugars are crashing left and right because I really don't know what, when, and HOW to eat!..So, what do I do? I decide that I will seek the guidance of a registered nutritionist! I think that was the best thing that happened in my LIFE! Not only have I found someone who will truly guide me through this maze of "achieving your optimal health" - but I have found a friend who BELIEVES IN ME!..and when I read her words of encouragement she writes in her e-mails to me, I almost want to shake her and tell her: "Come to your senses! It's me! Mirela! Person who starts out great but it's just a mirage! It's not a true picture...the will will be lost, and she will be a disappointment again! It will just be another thing she will add to her list of failures!"....
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OMG...Do I really think this of myself??? By creating this blog - I think I have created a *monster*!!! A reflection of myself I don't want to see!!!! But I think I will have to...after all I can't give up again!!! I just can't!
This will be it! I will find her! I will find the goddess in me and let her out for the world to see!!!
Just you wait...