Finding The Goddess In Me

Well, it's almost Christmas!
Days are really flying by, as I try to figure out my future! More and more I feel that this is really it - the "turn of the century" for me...that big things are going to happen...and some possibly worse to be able to get better!..but it's going..it's moving...and I think I am just holding my breath!

I have been studying like crazy! Finished my two courses for project management - enrolled into a thrid one starting January..Also, now that my nutrition books are here - I have written a paper on "Shiatsu Therapy", finished a test on "How to give nutrition advice legally"...and am dug deep into Biology, as well as Holistic Approach to Nutrition! HA!..See, I am not just sitting on my behind doing nothing ;)...

Don't ask me about my weight! While I want to get there and get skinny and beautiful, and healthy...I am really not in a position to concentrate on it right now. Who has time for weight loss when your life is changing?? Jokes on the side though, I just don't have the strength to do it now...To give it the attention it deserves...I think I am mostly just not ready to love myself yet!..That is all it really comes down to. It is *that* simple! And I will not love myself until I bring my life to order by figuring out who I really am and what I want to do with my life. It is scary that it all boils down to my profession (pretty much), but isn't it what I spend my time doing the most in my life?? An average person spends about 8.5 hours at work every day!...Out of 16 wake hourse, we spend more than half of it working!...and don't forget the drive to and from work, which takes at least an hour of my day also...So, basically about 60% of my life is just work!..and 40% has to spread on family, friends, hobbies, WHATEVER! No wonder...

One other thing...
Isn't it amazing how when you open one door, other doors appear?... Nooks and nieches you've never seen before, suddenly appear, as if out of nowhere! Again, I really believe it is the Law of Attraction at work...Once you start to show an intrest in something, the life just presents more of the same, and you're drawn into it more and more...
Be it some new area of study, your new hobby, the book you've read and loved, so you just suddenly start finding more and more of the same theme everywhere...I believe that that is exactly what's been happening to me. I have shown an intrest in nutrition, and not just "nutrition" - but a HOLISTIC approach to it...a whole other realm on some higher frequency, which ecnompasses our bodies into one whole being...Where the body is treated overall, and not just a particular organ or "disease"...All the while, while I am studying the analytical side of it, I feel the presence of this higher energy, which lays undiscovered, but by a few...and it's scary, yet fascinating, and I think I belong!

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Well, the books for module 1 of my nutrition studies have arrived! I can hardly wait every night, after my kids have gone to bed, to start studying and working on my tests! I hope this enthusiasm lasts! LOL For now, it's going great!
Yesterday was such a happy day too! I took a vacation day off work, and went into my nutritionist's office and worked with her for the entire day! Just calling the clients to reschedule appointments, taking inventory of different homeopathic remedies, and pricing them, has made my day. Throughout the whole day though, I have talked to R. (which is how I will refer to my nutritionist from now on) about nutrition, and business! I took in so much, and have felt a great energy around myself the whole day! It's amazing how such things as changing what you do in a day can make or break your whole feeling of happiness! It then hit me how doing something you dread every day can make you SO SICK! I guess my only solution for now would be to try and convince myself that I have to do my job in order for me to be able to enjoy "nutrition". That's what it really falls down to - at least for now.
I have also talked to R. about food and how I had not been able to concentrate on losing weight, and she has completely understood my problem.
I have told her, it's not about the food anymore at all! It's all mental and connected to our emotions. I have understood the reasons of why I eat what I eat and how much - it's because I feel so "unwell" all the time! Be it anxiety, or just plain "not great" feeling, I have tried to bring myself up to par by eating, thinking it will give me "energy"..."fuel to continue with my duties"...."fuel to be a mom....a wife...a good employee..." Yet, I have been failing miserably, totally aware of the fact that the more I disregard my diet, I will continue to feel unwell, and will probably then continue to gain weight too...
The "compassionate observer" in me has also reminded me that I am on medication! I mean, it's amazing that I am even holding steady at a certain weight, considering that I am taking medication which completely slows down my metabolism and works against everything in my body to lose weight.
The simple fact is - I need to somehow maintain my focus, and I NEED EXERCISE! Now we just have to find the time for me to actually *do* it!

On a completely different topic - I am enjoying this Christmas season. Although I have not yet put up my tree, nor bought any presents - I am excited to start! This coming weekend will all be dedicated to starting off a Christmas season in my home! :) Can't wait!

As you may have noticed, I have not written in a while. The reason is simple, really...My mind is in overdrive, and I am all over the place! At the same time, I do *NOT* want to be negative, nor give off a "negative energy", so I am not writing...because there is, unfortunately, nothing good to report, or say! Well, not yet!

Weight-wise, I have not progressed at all. If anything, I have taken about 10 steps back! I have no idea why! I am trying to understand myself...my logic of things!? I have found this great way to LOSE IT..yet I have no desire to follow the plan and stick to it for longer than a few days! And as much as I know how this weight loss journey can have so many ups and downs, I am still trying to understand it, and the psychology behind it. How can someone who wishes so much to be healthy and at a healthy weight, work so much against it?? Explain it to me! I am trying...but I am also starting to give up understanding....
It sucks - I really thought I was ready this time... *sigh*

However, everything else that is happening to me seems to be working on some higher level! (I am sure you're confused as heck, trying to understand what I am talking about :)...but trust me, I'll get you there.) I have started to ask a lot from the Universe - maybe too much at once, because I am being bombarded with all kinds of things falling in my lap! Mainly, I have started on this road to try and completely change my life, as you now know it. My logic is this - I am extremely unhappy about some things...and I have let my life lead me wherever for years....getting myself stuck in 'unhappiness' even further...deeper...It's all mostly connected to my profession - trying to find my purpose in life. Although I have children, no, I do not think that my purpose is solely to be a parent...and although I am a wife, that too does not define me. So what is it? A Mechanical Engineer? pfft! PLEASE! Even a combination of all of those....I am just getting further and further from who I really am! I am getting LOST! So, my quest now for the optimal connection of body, mind, and soul, has reached magnificent proportions!
Ever since walking into my nutritionist's office, I have felt a strange energy vibrating through me. It suddenly seemed that every step I took, and every person that I met, was DESTINY! Mainly that whole field I have touched..."nutrition"! But not just nutrition in the pure physical, analytical sense: knowing what and how to eat....but nutrition as a way of HEALING! That strange and vibrating energy suddenly tickled me: "Could this be what I am meant to be doing?? Am I really considering that inside myself I can find a person who could be able to lead someone ELSE on a road and quest to optimal health?"...I know - irony is jumping at me too, with all the bells and whistles! Here I am, overweight and anxious....considering that I just may have been born to really be a nutritionist! But isn't it perfect??? Don't we really understand somebody perfectly ONLY when we have gone through something similar?? I am starting to consider the possibility that all these hardships that I am going through, are really meant for me to just gain the ability to understand these problems so well, so I may be able to help someone else, who may suffer from the same, or similar problem!
So, what have I done? I have researched schools on nutrition throughout the country, and have found a school that will give me the ability to finish all of the required courses through distance education. Even more perfect is the fact that I can completely finish this at my own pace, with absolutely no deadlines! (Although, I really do plan to finish this as soon as possible)....At the same time, my nutritionist and I are talking, and she mentions that she would love to have an intern! HA!...While I may not be able to just quit my job and intern with her....we *are* in the talks of me doing some things for her that may qualify as me working a bit in that profession, and helping with the business in general!
So...here I am....applied to and enrolled at the School of Nutrition...awaiting my books to come any day now....dabbling with internship at my nutritionist's office...still being a mom, a wife...AND an engineer, who is taking courses at a local college to enhance her project management skills! LOL And I am wondering why I cannot concentrate on losing weight??? Hahaha!

Somewhere in the Universe, I am seeing the file on my life being edited - someone out there is brain-storming, crumbling papers, erasing stuff, writing, adding, subtracting, pondering - I am definitely making them work for their "eternal contentment". *wink*

Today started of with a BANG!
I was getting ready for work this morning, and was actually running late, when the phone rang! I look at the display, it says "91.5 THE BEAT" - I am already excited, but want to hear it before I can believe it! It's Adele from the morning show from my favourite radio station - and she's calling me to tell me I won the "professionally catered dinner for me, 5 of my friends, and Mocha and Adele IN MY HOME!"...I can't believe it, yet I do! Deep down inside me I am shouting - YES, I KNEW IT! I have not said this aloud yet - but I KNEW I would win it! Which is amazing, because I've never really won anything in my life...but when I entered this contest online, I just knew it was mine! I was imagining it..I was making the guest list..already figured my husband wouldn't be into it so much, so I comprised a list of my girlfriends which I would invite...it was just MINE and I knew it...I just waited for that call to confirm what I already knew!..Even when I talked to one of my girlfriends at lunch, I said: "when I win this dinner...."....not IF I win it...but WHEN!...
Then it hit me - I have used and PROVED the "Law of Attraction" - THE SECRET!
I know it may be out there for people to grasp that concept, thinking that it can't be that easy that you really get everything you believe you'll get. If that were true, wouldn't we all be rich, healthy, looking and feeling great every day?? But, you'll be surprised that it is not that easy believing that you already got something when you doubt yourself every step of the way.
Since reading the book "The Secret" - I have tried to have faith, and use the power of positive thinking into making me "thin"...that is, trying to believe I can, AND WILL, do it! That I will lose this weight just like that..But it just didn't work...Why??? I really did imagine the number on the scale forever, yet it didn't work like the books said it would! I almost threw the book in the garbage, when I actually realized: It can't work, because I am still doubting myself every step of the way...I really don't believe that I can, and will do it...It is just not easy believing and trusting the universe when you think you know yourself too well for it to ever change!
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It is weird though, now that I have proved that the "Law of Attraction" really works on little things - by winning this dinner (I refuse to believe it was just a coincidence! lol), it has given me a little nudge to start believing in myself a bit more...To dare and expect things that I thought were impossible....To even dare to think that me, Mirela, am worthy of receiving and witnessing miracles!

I am in awe.

No wonder I have been messing up with food these past few days - It is "that time of the month" and I haven't even realized it before! Well, I feel a bit better now...but I do still cringe at the thought of tomorrow's weigh in! Oh, that won't be a pretty picture...I stepped on my scale this morning and I almost cried - gained more than a pound...don't know how much for sure - it will all be revealed by tomorrow....*oy vey!*
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Oh, but yesterday I had a blast! Went to my daughter's "observation class" at JK - I was there for half an hour, and she just sat there and read books in the book centre....alone....I knew right away it was a "show" she put on for me LOL...I mean she loves books, but seeing her so "important" in her little world yesterday, really made me smile as I watched her...It reminded me of myself greatly...her back was so straight as she sat on that little mat on the floor...head held almost too high for her to be able to actually "read" books LOL....You could see - she thinks of herself as "royalty"...and in a weird way, I was proud. :) She's truly a "princess".
...Oh..and then I went shopping! Found great button-down shirts for cheap at Winners (and still managed to spend over $180!)...I have to stop doing that! Talk about "retail therapy"! I *invented* the stuff!
Then came the best part of the day - haircut! I had my scalp, my shoulders, and my hands thoroughly massaged, as I sat there and joked with Lara (my hairdresser). She was great...I didn't do anything "big" to my hair, but I did decide for bangs - "side bangs" that is...They really look great! She then proceeded to cut my hair in layers and then roll my hair around velcro rollers ...so when she was done, I had this posh, wavy, "only-for-special-occasions" do, that I told her I feel like a "sex kitten"! *Purrrrrrrr*
And so, looking like a Victoria's Secret Model (minus the fabulous body), I proceeded to go home and make dinner. Oh-so-glam! LOL

Again, on a completely different note:
I noticed something...When I do not eat properly, my garbage can at work is overflowing with garbage! Various wrappers, papers, leftovers...yet, when I am eating right, I hardly have anything in there! Conclusion - to eat healthy, actually means eating foods you prepare, rather than foods you buy wrapped and processed!..Ok, ok...I have not invented warm water here...but the clarity with which it struck me was just so overwhelming! That simple thing I noticed, just told me everything about myself...who would think your "garbage" can talk to you!!! *shocked*

I am so scared about tomorrow...but yet excited at the same time, cause I am sensing a change coming over me! Like something big is about to happen....

Guess who's been to the grocery store yesterday and bought all the "right" foods to eat?! Oh, and now guess who's been eating everything "WRONG" while having perfectly "right" foods available??? Yeah, me....*double sigh*
No, I won't be negative anymore or philosophical and ask "why, why, why?"...I will just accept the fact that I messed up and will pick myself up, dust myself off and continue on a hopefully good track this time!
I am taking tomorrow as "vacation day"..and while I still have some stuff to do tomorrow - I will use that day to "rejuvenate" and gather some new stregth to go on! I am also thinking of a new haircut?? To "bang" or not to "bang"? That is truly the question..... LOL
I am thinking bangs..but I am not sure...I may bounce this idea on some friends of mine...
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On a completely different note,
I've been told today that I am quite "defensive"! And I admit that in a given situation I was overly defensive...but am I really like that in general? I like to think of myself as being "fair" and saying what I truly believe - admit that I am wrong when I am wrong, and say that I am right when I am right....so I am thinking - how do you still say what you mean, and not come through as being "defensive"??? What if that person is always accusing you of things that you see as being unfair or just plain not true! Won't you keep saying they're wrong and keep trying to convince them otherwise??? What does defensive mean anyways - is it a "negative" trait??
In Webster's Dictionary word "defensive" is described as:

"devoted to resisting or preventing aggression or attack "

Well, I don't see that as negative at all...I would rather be defensive, than meek and taken advantage of! Thank you very much....

Am I being defensive again??? bwaaaaaaaahahahahahaha... :>

I gulfed down an oatmeal raisin cookie....

*sigh*

OK...so I am messing up on all fronts! My eating is terrible, to say the least! ...and I don't even know why!!! I fully understand that my nutritionist will weigh me on Thursday night, yet I have regained some of my pounds lost already! I really thought that having to be accountable to someone else will really keep me on track..but it turns out I gave myself permission to be "bad", and I didn't even deserve it! What gives????
I am really confused...and confusion leads to more stress...more stress leads to being terrible with my food choices...In fact, I am PUNISHING myself??!!! Can that be it??? Gosh, this is so complicated...
So, when am I going to stop doing that? When am I going to realize that I *do* deserve all the good things life has to give! When am I going to realize that I do not need that protective layer of "fat" to shield me from the world! What am I afraid will happen???
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I realize I am being so negative, but I really don't know how to turn it around just yet...What do I say to myself? "Tomorrow I'll be good again?"...But no, let's think - what would I say to a good friend of mine if they needed some help with this?? I would say: "No, don't wait till tomorrow! Turn it around in the next breath you take..that next step you make!...Why wait??"
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I went to my "sanctuary" last night - Chapters! :) ...and while browsing new books I found this book called "LIFE - Selected Quotations" by Paulo Coelho....my favourite writer! It was the most perfect thing I could ever find in that store! I bought it right away of course, and now feel like reading the little quotes over and over again...They're so inspiring! I remember reading "The Alchemist" he wrote and how wonderful I felt about being alive then! It's amazing how some one's written word can influence your whole life!
So, one of the quotes from "The Alchemist" says:

"A search always starts with Beginner's Luck and ends with the Test of the Conqueror."

Ha! Well I definitely began with the "Beginner's Luck"...and I am nowhere near the end, yet I feel tested to my limits!
This will *obviously* be an interesting journey!
Feel like sticking around? ;)

Well, I am here! I've read so many of my friends' thoughts, even strangers', all the time fighting the urge to try and do it, too! I've started to write so many journals (you should see how many unfinished notebooks I have!)...but I would get bored. Honestly? After so many hours spent on the computer and typing becoming that main mode of communication - I am just not into *writing* any more!...So here it is...I am going to try and *type* my thoughts onto this imaginary 'paper'...
Reason for this? I think I am at major crossroads in my life! After giving birth to my son last year, I have completely lost myself...who I was, what my purpose in life was! I have gained this huge amount of weight during pregnancy which stuck with me to this day, and not only that...I have become this anxious, major-panic-attacks, tired, overweight, losing-my-mind, just-plain-LOST person....
For a whole year on maternity leave I have battled anxiety and panic attacks by plain "psycho-therapy" - meaning I have gone to a counsellor at the post-birth clinic here in my hometown and chatted every week...I had very good days...and then very bad days! I would think I am getting better, and then something would happen and I would hit the rock bottom! After the whole year, I have finally admitted to the world and myself I need more help..and started taking anti-depressants...and yeah, I've gotten "better"....better in a sense that physically I don't get panic attacks any more...but psychologically, I don't think I am even close to finding what set me so bad in the first place!
All the while I am 'flipping' at the fact that I can't lose any weight and that everyone that knows me has basically lost trust in me that I can do it! No, no one has said it to my face....but somehow I read it...friends telling you "you can do it!!"..."hey, great job on that pound lost!"...but deep down I am seeing: "poor you...you will just fail again"...or is that just my reflection in them??? I think I really don't trust myself that I am able to do this and THAT is the main reason for my inability to stick to something and follow it through!
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It's been 3 months that I have started taking anti-depressants, and fine - I am less anxious..but hardly there to call myself "a healthy" person! Over the years I have come to recognize that it's not just important to look good, but to FEEL good! And that's what I want..oh GOD, how I want to FEEL GOOD! ...Yes, I've done "Weight Watchers Online" and it worked for me great after the first pregnancy...but after this second one, it's just not cutting it! I am losing the interest in it after the first week of counting the points and trying to make myself move and earn some "activity points"! My blood sugars are crashing left and right because I really don't know what, when, and HOW to eat!..So, what do I do? I decide that I will seek the guidance of a registered nutritionist! I think that was the best thing that happened in my LIFE! Not only have I found someone who will truly guide me through this maze of "achieving your optimal health" - but I have found a friend who BELIEVES IN ME!..and when I read her words of encouragement she writes in her e-mails to me, I almost want to shake her and tell her: "Come to your senses! It's me! Mirela! Person who starts out great but it's just a mirage! It's not a true picture...the will will be lost, and she will be a disappointment again! It will just be another thing she will add to her list of failures!"....
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OMG...Do I really think this of myself??? By creating this blog - I think I have created a *monster*!!! A reflection of myself I don't want to see!!!! But I think I will have to...after all I can't give up again!!! I just can't!
This will be it! I will find her! I will find the goddess in me and let her out for the world to see!!!
Just you wait...