Finding The Goddess In Me

The boss sent us home today at noon because of yet another snow storm in the area...
So, here's what I've done with my time:

Shortbread Cookies with Toblerone Tops



The Cathedral Windows



Hope the kids enjoy it!!!! :)

It's December 22nd, and only a couple of more days until Christmas! I cannot face another mall or ANY store for that matter any more! I am DONE as far as shopping is concerned..well, minus the groceries part - which I still have to get for my planned Family Christmas Dinner at my place with my parents and my brother...I can't wait :)...
I am not going to ruin this post by my negative feelings, or how I have had some hard time during the past few days...it's enough to know that I am holding VERY high hopes for 2009, where I hope to trully find that Goddess, and not just get some glimpses here and there....
I can't help but chuckle as I remember the Seinfeld episode where George proudly announced that that summer was going to be "Summer of George" LOL....because that is what I keep telling myself in my head - 2009 is going to be "The Year of Mirela"...I am sure many of us are telling that to ourselves, how next year is going to be "our" year...but I am actually believing it this time - that things are REALLY going to be different for some reason...if not for anything else, but for a fact that I just can't go on like this! Anxiety, negativity, stress, helplessness, etc. all have to go - because that is no way to live these days...and I am alreayd feeling the effect of all of it on my health! I have to do something, and it has to be fast!!!
...

So, here is to a New Year of 2009...a new chapter in all of our lives, and a new opportunity to live healthier, happier, all-around-better lives!!!

Peace to all...

So..last week lost 1.2 lbs..meh. No, don’t think I am not happy about it – but I know that I have not done anything to really lose it, so I am not feeling as excited as I would if I knew I “deserved it”, kind of thing.. Motivation has been dwindling and I’ve been struggling with the whole thing yet again – but as always, I am not giving up. This week is another week of more exercise and doing the “couch25k” program. We’ll see what the scale says on Friday.
It’s not helping that I am baking all kinds of Christmas treats this week and I can’t help but sample some, even though I am giving them all away! Lol
All in all – not doing too bad this week – but as I said, we’ll see!

The new plan “Momentum” has been revealed at WW and I am excited that there are no more 2 plans, and that they have taken the best out of both worlds – I have always thought that that would be a GREAT thing! So, I am happy! However, I am losing focus off journaling, so I really need to get back to that!

It’s funny, but my hubby has JUST gotten it! He has finally realized how unhappy I am about my weight, and only NOW does he actually want to be a part of my “support” system and cheer me on! He’s actually all into “planning it out for me” – so we’ll see how long he keeps that up! LOL I am not optimistic that it’ll hold him for long…but I can be wrong!?!

Hello there…
I have not posted for a while, because to tell you the truth, there’s nothing to post about! I don’t feel like writing when I feel “blue”, even though I may need it the most at those times – but since this is a public forum really – I am disgusted to “make” anybody read negative things…but, here I am today, trying to “explain” it all – but not really…I just wanted to update my blog, because I am tired of looking at that piggy stuffing its face!
Anyways – what’s new? Nothing really…my last WI was a disaster again, as I gained another 1.6 lbs…although in my mind that was “stayed-the-same” because I missed the WI before that, where I already gained that weight…so I am 0.2 lbs shy of my STARTING weight of 210.6 lbs…which disgusts me :( Granted I was sick most of those weeks, and my body was just trying to cooperate with keeping up with my weight loss attempts at eating better food, drinking more water, less calories, etc….and then also being sick at the same time and trying to hold on to whatever it could…Yeah, yeah..blah, blah..I understand it all, but I still believe I could have done better. Could have tried harder….
It’s not even about the scale anymore, I am just so sad when I look at the mirror now…I have LITERALLY been crying for the past 2 days whenever I would come home from work and look at myself in the mirror…I am constantly surprised at how big I’ve gotten…at how big I look on the outside, because on the inside I don’t feel that way, darn it! My mind cannot connect with this physical apparition of myself. I have started to hate my clothes, to hate my CLOSET, hate getting up, hate being intimate, hate walking around like that..just HATE everything! What drives me even more nuts is that you would think that this “hate” would now make me do better things and maybe even want to STARVE (not that I would ever do that) in order to not look like that any more…but I am just NOT doing what I need to be doing! Would ANYBODY explain to me why that is??? How in the world can you want something so much, but do everything NOT to get what you want???? I have tried so many times to explain that to myself…trying to dig deep, blah, blah…but I don’t think my logical mind can comprehend such an absurdity! Who would???

Of course, it hasn't helped when my ex boyfriend contacted me after a very long time, couple of days ago, and has seen some pictures of me and said: "When were these pictures taken? Cause you look like a little fatty (and then he put in the smiley there). What have you been doing these years? Eating everything in sight? (insert "lol lol" here)"..and then he brilliantly added, when I was silent in disbelief: "just joking...you know you'll always be beautiful to me"...yeah right buddy, ef-off!

Anyways…that’s where I am at…
I have not given up…every day I start my day eating right, and taking my portioned lunches, and counting and counting…but I get hungry…I start craving…sometimes I can succeed in not succumbing to those, but sometimes I do…and of course I feel guilty and disgusted, and I cry again because “it’s not fair”…but it’s ridiculous really!
I keep watching those shows like “Biggest Loser” and “X-Weighted” and what-not…and they’re even making me more frustrated, because why wouldn’t “I” do those things! Why can’t I be successful ONCE in my life at this!?! At least KEEP AT IT for longer than a week!
I just don’t get it…not even a bit…

Wow…Time sure does fly!
I was not able to write anymore last week since I’ve been sick! This was not “any” sickness my friends…this was something which I have not experienced in a loooong long time! I was coughing for 10 days STRAIGHT! And even though I got antibiotics and an inhaler at the end, I didn’t stop until Saturday really. Even today, I am still coughing a bit here and there…but oh man! I thought my chest would explode at one point….Not to mention the low-grade fever, which was CONSTANT for 5 days! I have no idea what I would call that..It’s not a “common cold” as that was way worse than any cold I have ever experienced…but I am not sure if it was a flu either….I am thinking “mild pneumonia” would describe it the best..so I’ll stick with that!
Due to this “sickness”, I didn’t attend my WW meeting on Friday, and therefore did not weigh in….I am not sorry for that, as I would have probably gained again! Well..I have still gained…but I have an opportunity for it to not go in my WW record …isn’t that pathetic? As if I am losing this weight for anybody else but myself! Another thing that should change in my mind…
You would think that because I was sick I wouldn’t have an appetite! LOL…But seriously…I have never been more “starved” in my life! I could have eaten a MOUNTAIN if I had it! Have no idea what’s up with that, but no excuses really…The worst thing is, is that I started feeling the motivation dwindle away, and I had no care in the world to get it back! As if my body was hurrying to get back to its original weight as quickly as possible, so it can be comfortable again! I have really tried to think of “WHY” that is, but I can’t find a logical explanation in my head for it. Maybe because the answer is not logical at all??? We all want to look great and self-confident, so I am not sure why my mind would go against such a beautiful perspective and goal!?! I don’t think I even want to go there….
The point is..I got “back” on track…and I *AM* getting sick of all the “failures” in my trek on losing this weight. I am thinking of eliminating all refined sugars for at least a week to see if that will speed things up a bit? Not sure…not sure how I’ll do it either, as I seem to depend on low-point cr@p, like WW peanut butter bars…I mean REALLY! And I know it’s 1 pt. only for a piece….but my body just doesn’t deal well with stuff like that…so I am thinking maybe “core plan” would be more suitable for a body like mine…but not sure if I want to do that to myself either…
Let’s see how “no refined sugars” plan will go…

Oh..almost forgot…I have decided to also start the “Couch to 5K” running program. It’s basically a plan to get you moving from being a “couch potato” to jogging 5 Km in 9 weeks! It’s a 9-week program, where you work on interval trainings (walking and jogging) on a treadmill, increasing your endurance and effort every week. You can check out the whole program and what the deal is at:

http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml



So, this week (my 1st week) I am to do the following:

“Brisk five-minute warm-up walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.”

Well, my friends, believe it or not, I have done this for the first time yesterday, and I have actually completed the 30 minute mini-workout on the treadmill very successfully! I thought I could probably NOT do well with jogging even for 60 seconds so many times, since I just wasn’t (I still don’t believe I am) the “running type”…but it actually wasn’t that hard?!? Go figure! I have actually underestimated myself in what I am capable of! Since I have done this yesterday, and since they recommend taking a day off in between, I will repeat this workout on Tuesday, and then on Thursday…before I move on to a Week 2 program! I am also seeing PT today again…and on Wednesday, so I will be in full workout mode for 5 days straight!...Let’s see how I deal with that!

Till next time…xoxo

What a weekend!
So Friday was a “shot” day for me…I gave myself permission to rebel and eat what I want, thinking “why not? It doesn’t make a difference if I do or don’t!” Unfortunately, it didn’t end at the end of day Friday! My parents came Friday night (from another town) to stay for the weekend, and there is something about my parents being “here” that sends me running to stuff myself with whatever I can find! I honestly do NOT know what that is! I have tried to think about it – is it because I am nervous? Or maybe because my parents are people who use food for everything in their life: to celebrate, to mourn, to distress, to..whatever! They always bring some sweets into the house, AND they bring a lot of guests over too! When they come, we love to have people around and coming to the house to just “get together”….There is always food, and the food is not low on points! But the biggest reason, I think, of why I stuff my face when my parents are here, is because I feel inadequate! I don’t think this blog is the “place” for what would come out of me if I tried to explain the relationship between my mother and me, but let’s just say that my mom is my biggest critic! It is NOT easy to satisfy that woman! That is all I am going to say about that…(at least for now LOL)…
All in all…a very VERY “bad” weekend, as far as being “on plan” is concerned! I did it very consciously, and it didn’t bother me one bit. The only thing I do hate is that I still look the way I look..and am almost frustrated with “the world” of why I look like this….Never asking myself: “well how did you get here?”….So dumb…yet it just happens!

I have always been fascinated with psychology! And if I could have one wish, I would wish to have means and opportunity to go back to school and get a psychology degree this time….I would be the one to go ALL THE WAY – to get a PhD and be a full- fledged clinical psychologist! Our minds are sooooo powerful, yet so “unknown”…what we are able to do with our minds, is just incredible! Physiological stuff is just a byproduct of what our mind does! What it makes us do….
To reach my body…. I will first have to reach my mind! …and so, the journey continues!

What does one need to do to lose weight??? Because *apparently* eating right and exercising will NOT do it! :(
I can't believe I actually GAINED this week! I have been perfectly OP, and even went to the gym 2 times to meet with PT! He KICKED MY BUTT and I worked out as hard as ever!
Yeah..I got the spiel from my WW leader how that is "normal" after you start exercising and introducing more activity in your life - how the sclae suddenly shows a gain...they have no clue why! Please don't tell me I actually built muscle because I've been in the gym 2 times this week..PFFT!!!
Amazingly enough, I don't feel like quitting...What I *am*, is sick of being fat...and it's bothering me more and more each passing day. I can't stand it anymore...can't stand my look in the mirror, and can't stand the way I feel! This fat has GOT TO GO!

That's all I gotta say about THAT!

Days are going by so fast, that it constantly amazes me when I look at the date on the calendar and see that a year has gone by since I started this blog…Yet, I am in such a different place right now! So much has happened…so many thoughts had run through my head..emotions expressed and ‘secrets’ revealed…And I conclude that at this time, I am content!
Based on my previous post, you would maybe wonder how that is possible, but don’t we all expect “ups” and “downs” in our life all the time? Yes, I have been dealing with a lot of stuff lately, stuff that has made me question my sanity and ability to go through a lot of things ….However, I can’t help but feel victorious in a way. I have accomplished some HUGE things that I set out to do in the last year!

• I have gotten a new job – and not just “any” new job – but the exact job that I WANTED! I have switched my career from being a Mechanical Engineer, to a career in Project Management! I am slowly climbing my way to exactly where I want to be…
• I have gotten OFF medication, and even though that has been a roller coaster ride with my emotions and physical being, I have done it, and I feel really good about that achievement!
• And even though I have started many, many times, I have finally been consistent on the path to losing this extra weight I have piled on over the years and in my last pregnancy – and that has to be good for something! :)

Since the last time I wrote, I have felt nothing but peace with myself. No… “problems” and challenges have not suddenly disappeared, but they really never will – as I have recently realized, it is not situations that ever change, it is how we behave towards those situations and take them on, that determines if we are happy or not…if we are content or not…And ever since the last time I dumped my frustrations and fears on this blog, I have slowly taken that turn for the better. Just writing the “insanity” down, has opened my eyes and helped me realize that only *I* can make that happen. Yes, having a therapist can always help, but as my first ever therapist (a lady I’ve dealt with just after my second pregnancy when I first started feeling anxious) told me – “I do not hold all the answers for you, nor will I tell you ever what to do….I am just here to be your sounding board, so you can actually HEAR yourself through me…”….So, instead of paying some crazy money to get my sounding board, I have decided that I really do have the ability to realize how and what needs to change….if I ever get to the point where I find myself struggling, I will definitely ask for help (I am not the one to run from obvious and logic). Friends can also help greatly in this situation – serve as our sounding boards…but, as with everything, you need a friend that you can trust, and I don’t mean trust in a sense that they won’t run off with that information and blabber it to someone else…but trust in a sense where you feel comfortable enough to open up – to trust your sanity with that other person, that they can intelligently provide you with feedback and give you that picture of yourself that you are drawing! That is not easy to find…but I think I have been blessed in many ways, and that is one of them….I have a whole network of ladies that are my sounding board and my support…as well as a few people around me that I trust in this way also.

To finalize, I had a little chat with my husband also :) We’ve talked about how we both lose tempers very often lately, and 90% of our interaction becomes frustration and literally “yelling” around the house at different things that need to be done, or about things that are lost, kids, etc…thankfully, no denials here….So, we decided that we will have a “code” word for when one of us starts “losing it”, to “yell” it out and so alert the other one that it’s time to “chill” and maybe change the approach! My brilliant husband decides that we should use the word “orange” LOL for the code word….Don’t know why – he was talking about “amber alerts” and stuff…not sure how this is really “orange” – but we both liked the sound of it…:)
Let me tell you – I have never heard the word “orange” MORE in my life than over the last weekend! LOL But amazingly enough, IT WORKED!!!! Not only have we corrected our manners every time that one would yell out “orange” when another starts “yelling”, but we would also start laughing, as that word is just cracking us up, no matter what mood we were in at that particular moment!

Haha….jokes on the side though….I feel such an unbelievable difference from being off the medication…I don’t know if it’s just me “wanting” it to be different (cause mind can do amazing things like that), but I feel free! It’s as though I have been carrying over a mask and bandaid to cover every emotion that I have been feeling! When I told you last time that I cried, it was SUCH AN AMAZING FEELING! Because I had realized then that I haven’t been “able” to cry for sooooooo long!!!! There were many times when “old me” would have cried…but I just didn’t….I was secretly terrified that I had “hardened” into this “robot” that cannot express any emotions….but I hadn’t! It was just the medication masking and not letting me feel anything! Yeah..it didn’t let me feel anxiety…but the meds can’t chose that particular emotion…they didn’t let me feel ANYTHING!....And so now, I feel free….Free to laugh AND cry when I want to….I was worried that I was losing myself and didn’t know anymore who I was…wondering if I’ll ever know again…..and I think I am starting to get glimpses of my old self…of what once was….and so I am always getting back to this analogy of “finding the goddess in me”…but boy is it nice to get those peeks and “see”….

As you can see – lost 2 lbs this week!
Total of 3.6 lbs lost in 5 weeks…I won’t lie…I feel a little “meh, whatever”….I mean, come on…first week I was on WW EVER (in 2004), I lost 4 lbs ! So, now to have a loss of “only” 3.6 lbs in 5 FREAKIN' WEEKS is a little discouraging…but I will try not to think about that, and think about the goals which I accomplished this week, and there are definitely some to talk about! FINALLY!

So…last week’s WW meeting was about “voting for yourself”…so, choosing something to do only for yourself and actually DOING IT!
So..I voted for myself to do 2 things:

- Earn 3 Activity Points for the week (this seems “little”, but for somebody who hasn’t ‘moved’ in a while – this is HUGE!)
- Go to a yoga class!

I am happy to say that YESTERDAY (the last day of my week), I accomplished both! I went to a “Yoga Fever” class at my gym (doing yoga in a very hot/heated room and sweating like crazy!). That class alone would earn you anywhere from 3-4 AP’s. And also while waiting for the class to start, I had 15 minutes, which I spent on the gym bike!! Earned 1 AP right there also!
AND, for 5 straight days, I’ve been taking stairs instead of elevator, to go to a 3rd floor of the building (and down whenever I needed to) I work in! As my leader Jacqui would say: “That is exactly why you had such a wonderful loss of 2lbs this week!”…so I am a little proud..and happy!

I am very determined to kick this weight to the curb…which brings me to another tale…


Yesterday was a little weird day for me (to say the least)…I was very determined to go to the gym straight from work, which I did. However, when I got there and waited for my yoga class, sitting on the gym bike and biking for 15 minutes – there were mirrors “there”…and I could see myself and my body in full “spandex glory”…I will not lie – I was SHOCKED! Shocked of how fat I look…but more shocked that I have allowed myself to come to “this”, and to even THINK that “I don’t look that bad really….”…I couldn’t shake that shock and that picture of my 2,3-fold belly and huge thighs! :( Disappointment and sadness was all over my face! Even while doing Yoga later, and seeing myself doing all the poses as they should be done and feeling “comfortable” in that body, I was still disgusted….the feeling was so strong, that I didn’t really enjoy and give myself to relaxation that Yoga is supposed to bring…and as soon as it was done and I was exiting the gym, I started feeling physically SICK! I don’t know if it was because I was doing some activity after some time, or if my sugars crashed (they shouldn’t have…I ate…), or the change in temperature (from going from a hot room to cold outside), I just felt plain sick and very shaky! With me, it escalated to anxiety and panic very quickly, and by the time I got home, I was “done”! Anxiety started to subside as soon as I got home, but the shaky feeling continued and it transferred to my whole night being shot as far as my mood went! I was very grumpy, barking at kids and my husband….The little voice in my head said: “you are behaving like a real b*tch”..but I still did it anyways…I went and took a shower, came back..still felt the same….gone to bed..watched “Ugly Betty” and “Grey’s Anatomy”…still felt the same...Anxiety, at this point, was coming in waves…But I don’t know if I can certainly call it anxiety, I just felt like I was completely LOSING IT! Not like I was “dying” (which panic usually feels like), but more like: “I am having a nervous breakdown, and I am going to lose it and they will have to put me in a mental institution”….
Isn’t that awful?
I started to cry out of sheer frustration….I so desperately wanted for somebody to understand, not that I have shared this with anybody really….but this feeling of how I am just somebody who I don’t know at this point, and I know that I don’t like….It’s driving me NUTS! And this is the first time that I am going to write/say this, but both, my husband, and my kids are suffering because of it! :(
The most stable place that I feel in is currently my work – this is where I get things done, and so far I think I am doing it well…..everywhere else, as soon as I step out – I am so uncomfortable, and so unsure of myself…I am questioning everything about myself – who I am..what I want…if I am a good person, or “bad”…I can only see bad qualities in me…the side of me I hate…and my whole demeanor changes as soon as I am faced with duties of a mother…and a wife….I am drowning in hatred toward myself and how I present myself in those roles, and I don’t know how to fix it?! The thing that drives me crazy is that I am aware of it, and still doing it….isn’t that awful???

Don’t know what to tell you….Wish I ended it with a “happy” note, since I had such a good WI today…but I am not sure if WI and all that is “enough” right now….I need more! I definitely need more…

Found this recipe last night before going for a weekly grocery shopping! I also made the recipe last night (double amount) and am taking it for my launches this week!!!
IT'S DELISH!


Black Bean Couscous Salad



Makes 4 servings

This salad is very portable and is great for lunch. It is also a good source of whole grains and beans, a healthy alternative to meat.

Ingredients

¾ cup (175 mL) sodium reduced chicken stock or water
¾ cup (175 mL) whole-wheat couscous
½ cup (125 mL) no added salt canned corn or thawed frozen corn
½ cup (125 mL) diced green pepper
½ cup (125 mL) cherry tomatoes, cut in 4
1 cup (250 mL) canned black beans, drained and rinsed
¼ cup (50 mL) green onion, chopped
1 tbsp (15 mL) finely diced cilantro, packed
Juice of 1 lime
1 tbsp (15 mL) olive oil
1 tsp (5 mL) cumin
½ tsp (2 mL) black pepper
Directions

In a small pot, bring the chicken stock or water to a boil. Turn off the heat and add the couscous. Let it sit for 5 minutes and then fluff with a fork and transfer it to a large bowl.
Add the rest of the ingredients and toss.
Chill for 1 hour and up to 2 days.


Nutritional information per serving
(1 cup/250 mL)

Calories: 256
Protein: 10 g
Total fat: 4 g
Saturated fat: 1 g
Dietary cholesterol: 0 mg
Carbohydrate: 47 g
Dietary fibre: 9 g
Sodium: 209 mg
Potassium: 451 mg

4 POINTS PER 1 CUP! :)

I hate this roller coaster ride..It’s not like I was surprised; but I was still disappointed when I saw it…half of my weight loss to date cut! It sucks…but it does kind of kick my butt into “let’s get it on” mode for next week!
*sigh* Why does this have to be such a slow and agonizing process???

This week I also got a box of those “WW Peanut Butter Mini Bars”..mmmmmmm…so delish for 1pt! I also got their 2pt. pretzel packs. We’ll see what they are like later in the week!
I am keeping all these snacks here at work, for when the “2:00p.m. munchies” strike!
So..let’s get it on for Week #5!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the “anxiety and dizziness” front…you won’t believe it…Last night it was time to take my antibiotic (which I got for my strep throat last week)…I’ve been taking it for 8 days now – and had 2 more days of 3 pills per day…So anyways….I am all dizzy again, and it’s time for another doze, and I am thinking: ‘what if I don’t take this one?..could it be….???”…
So, I don’t take the pill I was supposed to take last night…and I wake up and don’t take the pill I was supposed to take in the morning….and GUESS WHAT!!! I AM NOT DIZZY, NOR ANXIOUS, NOR ANYTHING!!!!
Could it be???? Antibiotics??? REALLY? I mean, I knew there were all kinds of antibiotics out there with all the “routine” side-effects, but I’ve never had any before! I was always doing great with antibiotics..especially pure penicillin, which I got this time too!...But there you go….dizziness, GONE…and so my anxiety about it all and insecurities..GONE! I am feeling so good today, it’s not even funny! Just when I imagine what I went through for a whole week thinking that I was going through “SSRI discontinuation syndrome”, and that my panic attacks were coming back because I got off the meds….MAN! The timing of everything is just freaky!

Anyways…I am just glad it’s “over”.

As I said..LET’S GET IT OOOOON!

Feeling very embarrassed and foolish the past couple of days. Yes, I am still dizzy and feeling very “blah” as the day progresses, but I am hanging on and plowing through whatever anxiety, panic, or confusion I am feeling…however, I am dealing with all of it mostly through EATING! And here my friends is where we get to the bottom of all of my problems! I have been literally FEEDING my anxiety, for it to not escalate to anything more…Just as if you would feed and stuff the hungry lion, so you can then enter his cage and do whatever you have to do with him, so he doesn’t eat *you*! To me, this has not been a secret…but this week it has literally SLAPPED me in the face, as in the past 2 days I have been STUFFING my face with little things here and there. “Why, oh WHY!”, I would ask myself whilst chewing some crap I’ve given in to, and the answers come as clear as day:

“You’ve never had a panic attack on a full stomach!”


How enlightening…

Bah...

Anyways, it is true - the more you go “off plan”, you feel like you already messed up enough, and now you give yourself even more freedom to stuff your face, since you’re writing off this week anyways….Darn it…the worst is, I know how it goes..yet I still do it! I have even contemplated NOT going to the WW meeting tomorrow, and not weighing in, because I KNOW I have gained….My little loss of “3.2 lbs” over 2 weeks will crumble to even smaller numbers, as I weigh in tomorrow and admit my “out of control” behavior….I am DEFINITELY not proud. However, I will go. I have to. They say that this would be the time that you actually need the WW meeting the most! So, let’s see if what they say is true…

What a day yesterday! If I were to have written this post last night, I would have probably been a mess! But, let me start from the beginning…
So yesterday was my first day back at work after being off for a week, due to being sick, etc. Being that I am also going through a rollercoaster ride since completely going off my medication, I was still very dizzy and a “weak” feeling was over me whole day, with some ups and downs. The understanding between my husband and I was that he was going to pick up both kids from school and daycare, respectively, and I will go home and start dinner. By the time I got home I was very shaky and felt worse than the whole day….I changed into my pajamas and started heating up a soup we made and also frying up some sausages…I couldn’t wait to finish and sit down. In the midst of me standing over the oven and cooking, the phone rings at 5:10 p.m. – it’s my dear husband. He informs me that he has just locked his keys in his office, so he can’t leave, and could I please RUSH OUT and pick up both kids, because it’s already 5:10 and school/daycare close at 6:00 p.m.! I don’t think I comprehended the full message until I hung up with him and realized what I need to do now! The panic starts creeping in me…insecurity of how well I am feeling to rush out now and pick up 2 kids from school….It’s dark out now, cars are literally crawling on the main street due to rush hour….and I am starting to shake from panic! I will not go through all the details of the next hour….but I have gone through a “little” hell and back while picking up the kids and coming back home! It is enough to tell you that my hands were starting to deform and clench from all the panic that struck me. But…as my husband would say, after I told him all this, I did it….I went…got the kids…came back….and lost about 10 years of my life in one hour!
After I have stepped into the house after all that, my eyes started swelling up with tears! “Oh, look at you now!!! Panic all gone, is it??? You damn fool!!! When are you going to start to believe yourself and trust yourself that YOU ARE GOING TO BE JUST FINE!”….(this was my inner dialogue with myself that has transpired).
Thousand and one thought went through my mind that night….What did that mean??? Am I NOT supposed to go off medication?? Are the panic attacks back? Is this what my life will be like again after a whole year??? Am I not DONE with this already??
I was feeling so helpless…so sad…so desperate to get the clear answer from someone….from somewhere….that I am doing the right thing! …that I am on the right track with all this!
I do NOT want to go back to medication! NO! Meds in the case of anxiety are only masking the symptoms, they are not HEALING, and are certainly not hitting the source! I have to do this on my own – with my own mind!
….
Today I am feeling better…New day always brings another perspective into things. I am now thinking that last night wasn’t really THAT bad…I’ve had worse! It doesn’t mean anything, for sure, to tell me that I am going in the wrong direction with all this. On top of it all – this morning I have also gotten my period, so we all know that we are all susceptible to “incoherent” behavior during PMS..right? Yes, I am dizzy again this morning, but going on as if I am not even noticing it. It’s going to go away! It has to….
Tonight I also have to do the presentation of my project for the class I am taking at the local college, so one more thing I just have to go through today! There is no TIME to think about stupid things, such as anxiety, panic, going off of meds, etc…..Life goes on! It doesn’t wait…

Through it all (and being that I have been going through PMS all week), I have had a huge desire to stuff my face with any food at all. Last night was absolutely the worst time, since I started WW, that I have felt this way! I’ve been literally standing over the Halloween candy last night and CLAWING at the kitchen counter, so as not to reach for ANY chocolate. Going back and forth multiple times to take it…then coming back….then I finally had that little conversation with myself that they are teaching us about in WW meetings: “Why do you want that chocolate? Are you hungry? What are you REALLY “hungry” for? Peace? Calm?...is that chocolate going to help? Are you going to feel better?”….Then I finally started to trust myself when that little voice said: “nope…you’re not going to feel better, TRUST ME! You will open that little two-bite chocolate and gulf it down in literally a SECOND. You’re not even going to feel any satisfaction of having that chocolate in your mouth! You’re not even going to taste it! The “pleasure” will be over in 2 seconds, and you’re just going to be left feeling “hungry” again, with addition of feeling guilty for caving in….Trust me…you don’t want this crap!”…..so I did…I trusted….and I didn’t take it…
But boy, was it hard!



In the end, after the whole day, I was left with a little pride in myself again…another day over….here we go again! New day, new chance to make it all even better!

I feel as though I am floating...somewhere in between stable ground and vast skies...This feeling is not comfortable or enjoyable, since this is how I can describe the "SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome" ride that I have been on since 10 days ago, when I completely stopped taking my anti-depressants. I feel as though I am starting to sound crazy to people when trying to explain to them that I am ready to go off of them. They don't trust me - especially now when they see me so "spaced out" and going through vast majority of withdrawal symptoms all the books write about. But no! I am determined to continue on! Post-partum cannot be called post-partum anymore! My son is 2! As these pounds that I've gained during second pregnancy are not "pregnancy weight" any more - so is my anxiety not "post-partum" any more, and I am ready...I am SOOOOO ready!
I will probably sound a little "masochist" now, but even though I have felt horrible with all the dizziness and nausea and lightheadedness, feeling of being spaced out and as though my brain is shutting off and rebooting every so often - I have felt FREEDOM at the same time! Freedom that I haven't felt for a long time! I am finally in control of all of my moods and feelings and actions...I am taking control!

Weird...based on how I've been feeling for the past week, I thought this post would be extremely negative and sad...but with every letter I type, I feel stronger! More determined! :)

As I've said...weird... :)

WW? Meh...I have dipped pretty deep into my allowance points already (since starting my new week on Friday), so I am not very proud of that, but I think I've had a nice little "non-scale-victory" today! We decided to order Swiss Chalet for dinner tonight, and instead of ordering my fave quarter chicken dinner (dark meat) with FRIES, I actually ordered chicken breast with rotisserie vegetables and garden salad on the side!!! Not only that! When the order came and all the other members of my family opened their fries filled portions, I didn't take ANY from them to "sneak a taste"! I was amazed at my self! Soooo proud! I think I am finally reaching that place in myself when I recognize the choices that I need to make in order to make this happen!! In order to find myself again underneath all this "fat"...

I hope tomorrow brings a little more of stable ground, rather than vast skies...

Well...
HAPPY HALLOWEEN to all! :)



I just came back from my 3rd WI, and I lost another pound!!! That is totalling a 3.2 lb loss in the past two weeks! I won't lie, I was a bit disappointed when I saw just "one" pound show up on the scale, but then when I thought about it - it made sense! Even though I was perfectly OP and everything, I *didn't move* for the past 5 days! I am home sick a whole week now..on antibiotics...and lying in bed most of the time! It's a wonder I lost that pound!!! So, I am happy!

Now..the big question is - how will I avoid the chocolate that's all around me tonight?! I guess I'll just find a way to "trick" myself, instead of "treat"! Bwaaahahahaha I kill me... ;)

I haven't even noticed until just now that all this week I am just waiting for that next weigh in! This thought hasn't even occurred to me, since I've been sick all week, battling with some low-grade fever and general awful feeling. I have finally found out that I have strep throat, and now I am on antibiotics and home for the rest of the week...however, I still plan on making that WI at work tomorrow! I wouldn't miss it for the world!!!
This has become an obsession, I am starting to think. I have faithfully tracked points all week, and now I am ready to face the scale again tomorrow. When I step on my scale at home, it shows such varying numbers throughout the day, that I don't know what to believe any more! Sometimes it's a loss, sometimes it's a gain...but I have been so good, that I can't imagine not seeing another victory on the scale tomorrow...We'll see...til' then, we're waiting.
..
I am amazed that I would rather talk about this and not about the fact that as of last Thursday, I am OFF MEDS completely! Yes, my friends...I have been off for a week now! I guess I am hesitant to talk about that because I feel the pull to go back to what once was...my anxiety filled days...It is so hard to resist the pull, but I am battling every day. I have not had a panic attack yet, but I have had a couple of episodes of dizziness and fear starting to creep in...not to mention the constant anticipatory thoughts of "is it coming yet?? is this it???"...I know I shouldn't be doing this to myself, and I am trying not to. The only reason why I haven't had a panic attack yet again is because this time "I know better"...I know that I have that control, and let me tell you - I am practicing it every week!
I will not lie and say that I am still not afraid - I am! I am terrified of falling into "old ways" - but I can't go back to meds. Not because they didn't work for me, or because I had some horrible side effects from them - I haven't had none..but because taking meds to me is just giving up...giving up on faith in myself. Panic attacks ARE mind over matter...mind over mood! And until I face these fears head on - I will NEVER be free! Meds are just prolonging the inevitable...

I am feeling very vulnerable these days...Some form of melancholy coming over me and rocking me into this state of wanting to be "alone" and "with myself"...and I know that I will have to "wake up" soon..but for now I am enjoying it...I am trusting it, that it is exactly what I need right now.

Here's to tomorrow...for MANY! reasons...

Oh, I am sooo happy! :)
Finally a loss! But hey, I expected that! I was sooo good this week! Really!
Although, this morning when I weighed in, I was down 5 lbs on MY scale..but yeah, I weighed in just wearing my bra and panties...
I think I finally understand the craziness people go through when somebody else will weigh them! I actually took my jeans that I wanted to wear today and WEIGHED them! Do you know how much a pair of jeans weighs???? Anywhere between 2-3 lbs!!!!! MY DOD!!! Needless to say, I wore a "light" pair of grey work pants..man!..

I am leaving with the quote that slapped me in the face this week quite hard, and which our WW leader showed on the board today:

"If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution."

shocking..isn't it?...hmmmmm....

It’s been a while..but a lot has happened!
Truthfully, I can’t even begin to remember what happened in the past month, but the main “change” in my life is that I have finally FULLY committed to following the Weight Watchers program. Mainly, I have joined “WW at Work” program, where every Friday, a bunch of people (all women, btw) from my company are getting together in one of our meeting rooms and with the Weight Watchers leader and having a regular WW meeting, complete with a weigh in! I have welcomed this “change” in my life, because I think that I so desperately need that accountability toward somebody! I mean – somebody else weighing you – if that will not do it, what will???
So..I have had my first meeting 2 weeks ago when I have had a first WI (weigh in), and 210.6 lbs started back at me from the scale…..
I was *NOT* impressed…But I was not surprised either. I am weighing myself almost daily for the past 2 years, so I KNOW where I am at…but just “sharing” that number with somebody else makes you want to throw up…Here I was, admitting it to the world my exact number from the scale…AND fully dressed, might I add?! Blasphemy! LOL
Anyways…the first WI after that I weighed in with the same number! I was so happy, because that was the week of the long weekend and Canadian Thanksgiving, so I was VERY thankful that I have not gained! This week however, I am in the “GAME ON!”mode, and so far, so good! I am trying not to peak at my scale on the home, so I am not getting discouraged if I am not seeing a loss right away…but I know that I have changed so many things in my diet. I *KNOW* how excruciating it was to pass up all the goodies showing up here at work at all times in order to be “on points” and faithful to the program…so I better SEE the darn loss this Friday…I will report of the results, of course!

In other news? Tomorrow marks the day when I will take my last ¼ of my medication, which will begin my last round of “getting of the meds” process – taking ¼ of the pill every other day….
I am so proud of myself on how I have handled this process! I have basically taken my own approach to this and have gone off these pills even slower than my doctor has suggested, in hopes of lowering any withdrawal side effects one might have. And I have DONE IT! I have not had *ANY* side effects since starting this withdrawal process in August (I can’t even believe I have stuck to this so long…). It’s been slow..but the end is coming! Thoughts were showing up of “how will I take it?”..and “will I get panic attacks again??”…but I am so pleased to report, that I have never felt better! Somehow everything I’ve read about anxiety and panic attacks in the past 2 years has crystallized in my mind, and I have finally taken that “mind over mood” approach and am gaining more and more confidence in myself that it is I who is in control of myself and my moods and emotions, and hence anxiety and panic, which used to grip me.

So..here I am…finding myself once more…in good, in bad…no turning back!

So, I am a bit verklempt about this whole "withdrawing from the meds" process. I expected much worse, actually, the whole opposite!...again, I am afraid to jinx the whole thing, but honestly, I am so giddy, and happy...and excited about life, it's almost NUTS!???? All of a sudden I am dressing up, putting on makeup everyday, made an appt. to get a little haircut and colour, thinking of having a manicure...following fashion and embracing it! It's like I have lived in this "lulled" state for a year, and now I have suddenly woken up! Everything looks different all of a sudden! The life is soooo beautiful! (even though nothing special is happening!) I don't know if it's being on half a pill now, or books I am reading and kind of taking to heart on practicing what they preach (being positive and working on a lot of positive visualisation)....but it's just all phenomenal!
Anyways...GOOD! That's all I gotta say about that!

Fall is proving to be such a crazy busy time for me! Tonight I start with my classes at a local college. This semester I am taking 2 courses, so that will take two of my week nights! Loooong days for sure! We'll see how I'll take that...but so far I have noticed that I do good when I am busy and distracted by activities!
I am not going to lie to you - walking in the early morning has only happened 3 times by now, mostly because I do not seem to function by the late afternoon when I get up at 6:00 a.m.! I am fine in the morning, but once we get to about 2:00 p.m., I am DEAD~! So...I am trying to be as active as I can be otherwise, but soon I will have to resort to either going to the gym again, or walking at a different time! We'll see....
Eating has been much better and I seem to lose steady every week...Nothing big, but a loss is a loss! Past few days I have given myself more freedom than usual, but the biggest thing for me is that I am just not that hungry any more!! (another side-effect of withdrawing from the meds??? I'LL TAKE IT!!)...

All in all...doing very good...Almost too good for my taste! LOL...at least for now...

Looking and feeling fab today:

For some reason I feel just FABULOUS today! I have no idea why, or how? Yesterday was such a "blah" day for me, since I went to bed with a headache the day before, and then woke up yesterday morning with that same headache...it was very weird, so I stayed and worked from home whole day. Thankfully, I can do that! I was very tired..took a nap...woke up feeling even worse...I am thinking it could be because of the fact that I am withdrawing from the meds, but not sure...
Anyways! Last night was the first night that I took 1/2 the pill, and so far, so good! I was freaking out a bit last night with anticipatory anxiety - expecting "what will happen now that I have taken only half a pill!"..Had hard time falling asleep...but then I woke up, and the whole morning at work has just been great! What's even more weird is that whole day I am just not HUNGRY! It's amazing!!! I can't remember when was the last time I felt like this..but I am just like "whatever" about food today! I even went out with a colleague out for lunch - just through drive through at Harvey's, and here I was thinking I was going to have hard time not ordering junk...but I was so "matter-of-fact" and ordered myself a veggie burger with a salad and bottle of water! I was SO PROUD of myself! Later on I didn't even really enjoy my veggie burger as I usually savour every bite of delish "junk", I just ate and stabbed at my salad a few times...and threw away the rest! OMG! Me throwing away food??? BLASPHEMY!!! *gasp*
But yeah...amazing! If this is another "side effect" of withdrawing from the meds - I am LOVING IT! :)
So, today is Friday...it's been raining all day, but surprisingly not affecting my mood! The weekend promises to be more of the same! My parents are coming to town, so it's going to be some family time...I like that...Kids love it, so that makes me happy!

Have a great weekend everybody!...

Got this award today..


Thank you, Tracy!!!! *mwaaah* I still remember the EXACT moment when you called me when I first posted about anxiety and panic attacks on the boards...I remember every little detail - where I was sitting..how I felt...how Filip was just a tiny baby sleeping in the crib at the time...I will never forget it!You deserve it right back!..and thank you once again!

HI!!!!
Sorry for not writing sooner! I am ashamed...
After I left for my vacation, and then after I came back..I just didn't know what to write and where to begin, even though I had so much on my mind..And then because I am slightly "senile" and can't remember things lately, I just put off writing because I couldn't remember what I wanted to say, and so the days went on by and by...and here we are...a month later??? Don't even know..but I have finally decided enough is enough, and I am getting back to it! So, HERE I AM! :)

What's new???
Hmmmm....let's see - vacation was FABULOUS! I love the beach so much! I love being on the beach, laying on the beach, walking on the beach, smell of the beach, EVERYTHING ABOUT THE BEACH (you get the picture!). I was in a bikini every day, which I am sure is not a pretty sight, but it sure made me feel free! I really didn't care about my body and only conencentrated on having fun with the kids! It was well worth it, because I truly got a rest! From everything! From my mind, work, weight, everything!

In other big news though, at some point since my last post, I have decided to get off my medication! Yep...the meds that I have been on for anxiety, for a year now..I have decided that enough is enough, and that medication, while it really did do its purpose, will not get me anywhere! I also suspect it to be a really BIG reason why I am not losing more weight than I should when I watch what I eat and exercise so much! SO, on August 21st I have started taking 3/4 of a pill! I figured the slower approach I take to going off the pills, the better I will take it, and less chance of withdrawal symptoms to occur! So..3 weeks of taking 3/4, then 3 weeks of 1/2 a pill, 3 weeks of 1/4 of a pill...and then finally MEDICATION FREE!..Although I am thinking I should maybe incorporate 3 weeks of 1/4 every other day or something like that...we'll see!
SO FAR SO GOOD! This Thursday I should begin taking only 1/2...very excited about that!
In the meantime I am busy reading books that have suddenly come my way! Currently I am reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.



I am LOVING IT! I am also reading a book on Anxiety and Panic Attacks, which is in turn very practical and leaves me feeling like I've just had a good talk with some therapist. All in all - these two books go very well hand in hand, because they almost speak of the same thing...If we want to get rid of our anxiety and panic attacks, we have to reprogram our unconciouss mind which we usually don't have any control over, because we don't think about it! This uncouncious can only be influenced in the "alpha" state of the mind - which is that state when you are just about to fall asleep, or you are just waking up...that feeling of being not really "here" and not yet fully "there". This is where positive visualisation can do *wonders* for our mental health! "The Power of Now" talks almost of the same thing! Going into that state and realizing that we all live in the Now...life is ALWAYS happening Now, so we better enjoy it! Of course, it goes into much more detail than that and explains why that is important, as you may imagine...I mean, am I the only one who always lived in the past??? I am ALWAYS carrying with me some moments of the past, those lingering feelings and emotions that I am thinking "made me who I am today"....It is such a profound theory this book offers, that I can't wait to read more through it and see what else it says! If you want to know more about it, you can read about it here:
http://eckharttolle.com/the_power_of_now

Well...after all this phylosophical talk, you are probably also wondering if and what I am doing about my weight! Heh! :) Don't worry, I am still on it!! I almost feel like I don't want to talk about it, because I may jinx it! But the fact is..I am doing very well! Believe it or not, I have started waking up at 6:00 a.m. and actually WALKING outside for an hour! I even mapped the walk I take and figured I make 3.41 km in that walk alone! I even bought a pedometer to keep track of the steps I take daily, and trying to get on top of the "10,000 steps for the day" which they say is what we should all aim for! I have to admit, I only make the 10,000 steps when I go for that walk - so I better make it a habit! Last week I did that 2 times...this week I have already be out there 2 times, and today I will try to go after work to make up for it! I am also faithfully counting points again on WW online, AND, what's even more important, I am actually making my own lunches and trying to follow the whole food guide thing, where I actually get 5 servings of veggies or fruit each day, and so on....Last week alone I have lost 2 lbs...So, we'll see what this week says! I won't lie, this new found motivation didn't just occur like that...While I was under the impression that I already understood that I needed to lose weight, I never truly embraced it and follwed it whole-heartedly! This time I can feel it's different because I AM out there walking and trying to be active..I AM taking food literally in my own hands and making myself home made meals instead of buying convenient food which I think is healthy for me...This time it HURT when I realized that I was really in denial of how big I actually am! Yep, that's right....I am not just overweight, I am *OBESE*! The BMI says so, but not even that is important right now...it actually took a friend that I haven't seen for a while TELLING ME how fat I really got :(...No, don't feel sorry for me! This was not a friend who meant anything bad...This was a friend who was honest with me because I wanted him to be honest to me about it. He opened up to me to tell me what I look like to the outside world and pointed a couple of problem areas on my body which he's never seen before on me...I was dumb-struck if I can even call it that...I shouldn't have been so surprised, but I was...I wasn't even hurt..I was just sad...sad that I have let myself get to this point. No more excuses, man! I did this to myself, and I kept doing it to myself day in and day out! Even all these days when I wrote here about it, talking about all the exercising and everything, I still wasn't doing everything I needed to actually be successfull in losing weight! Sad thing is, I was only fooling myself...
So...in a way...this is a very new thing for me - starting REAL!...I know, I know..haven't I started like "3 times already" on this blog alone??? Well...I really don't care about that! The point is, I started...and I am proud of myself for once, because I KNOW I am doing it right this time!

I am trying hard not to say "watch me go", because that's what I said before...but Yes, I am holding high hopes for this journey...as I am living in the Now..let's see what "Now" will bring!

Well, the day has finally arrived!
We are *finally* going on vacation! This one has been long over due, since the last time we were on vacation was November 2005, when we went to Dominican!!! My husband and I are soooo ready for this one, it's ridiculous!
This time we are renting a cottage for a week in beautiful town of Bayfield on Huron Lake! I am praying for sunny and warm weather, since I plan to spend ALL OF MY DAYS at the beach and swimming as much as possible!

To all the people reading this blog, have a wonderful week, and I'll see you soon!

*mwaaaaaah*
xoxoxo

Heck - I spent the whole day with her! Yep, you guessed it! The Goddess in me! She was amazing and magnificent, and I was soooo happy to see her!
It happened yesterday - on my 31st birthday! That day I decided to take a vacation day off work, and schedule a half a day at a spa for me! All I can say is OH MY GOD! This was THE BEST thing I have EVER done for myself IN MY LIFE!
This place was just amazing! But given that I have never in my life enjoyed anything like that except an occasional manicure or pedicure, it was a day of many firsts!!! And what a day it was!
This is where I arrived:



Once led in, they took me to the changing room where I took all of my clothes off and put the robe I was given...let me tell you - it was like wearing a cloud! It was sooo soft and comfortable! They also provided slippers, and led me to a "waiting room" which means that you sit on a comfy couch with your feet in a little tub filled with warm water, whose surface is laden with rose petals! You are in heaven from a get-go! Once there I filled a form with my name, etc. During my wait they got my sea weed soak ready for toning, cleansing and detoxification! They led me to this room:



As you can see, in the corner of that room is a tub (by the fireplace) in which I sat for 25 minutes of BLISS! Water was THE PERFECT temperature..again, water surface laden with rose petals which caught on my body in such perfect places that I couldn't help but stare at the obvious beauty of my skin against such perfection of water, rose petals and candle light. At that moment it didn't matter that I was overweight...that my butt and hips were huge, or that my belly hang...it was just all PERFECT! That's when I saw her! The Goddess emerged in all its glory, and all I could do was just smile! The smile didn't leave my face for the whole day!
I closed my eyes and enjoyed the bliss...the perfection...the magnificence of the moments I was given.



After the soak I was led to another room and a bed where I was wrapped in a cocoon of most delicate creams and lotions. While my whole body was enveloped in such obvious "nirvana", one of the ladies massaged my face with silk, or that's what it felt like - the actual cream felt like SILK against my face! It all must have lasted for more than an hour, because after that and after my shower (which itself was again - perfection!), I was led for a 10 min. of sauna, after which my lunch - the most Delicious and fresh Mango Salad I ever tasted - awaited for me in this room:



Lightness of the lunch was perfect innuendo for what awaited next - my 90 minute full body massage by an RMT! OMG!!!! Yes, in 31 years of my life, I have never before that moment experienced another's hands on me in that way! Ok...no joke...this was seriously the first time I have ever had a massage, and it was all I expected and MORE! This woman was amazing! She applied just enough pressure for me to have all the benefit from the massage, but not to feel attacked on - as she said described it :)..It was a PERFECT end to a PERFECT day! In one second I literally fell asleep during that massage, and felt myself jump out of it quickly so I don't start to snore or something! :)
All of that took just over 4 and a half hours!
After I have gone out of the spa doors, I felt like I have spent ages in another world. As I have already mentioned, smile has not left my face for the whole day, even though I returned to reality pretty quickly after that, as my kids and my husband came home.
Needless to say, I fell asleep by 9:00 p.m. that night and could HARDLY get up this morning at 7:00 a.m.!

So, now that I have seen her, I can't wait to see her again, and then make her stay...forever!

Well, here I am! Still going strong after a whole week! This is a first! ;)
Last week I've been to the gym 4 times! This week I plan to do the same: 2 times with PT (with whome I have just about 10 sessions left *sniff* :( ), and then 2 times by myself! I am doing a regular Friday noon class of "Limber Limbs" (deep tissue massage usig a foam roller, and stretching) and then the spinning class on Saturdays - which I still die in, but I am attending in all of my 'sweaty glory'! :>
Oh, and I also bought new running shoes! They look exactly like this:



They are beauuuuuuuutiful! It's amazing what just a nice little piece of "wear" can do for you!
All in all - a good week, and I predict that this one will be even better! So, let's get it oooooooooon!!!!!